To ask you to help me decide on whether to try for baby number 3?!

[longingforbaby3]

I have just turned 39 and I have 2 children already (albeit with quite an age gap and to 2 fathers - eldest 17 and youngest 3). I cannot shake the feeling that I want a third. I don't know why, it's such a strong urge. Financially, we would manage as youngest would be in school by time the new child needed nursery so we'd not be paying 2 lots of nursery fees. Partner is on the fence about it. I'm about 70/30 in favour. Thoughts? Pros and cons? Is this madness? 😂

Going to university doesn’t necessarily mean your oldest is not coming home though - there’s an awful lot of graduates in their early twenties living with their parents. Financially if she’s going to be a student your 17 year old is not really close to out the nest/off your payroll, she’s going to need support for several more years.

Honestly I wouldn’t have a child with someone who was anything less than enthusiastic and committed. The fact he’s being a bit of an idiot about contraception doesn’t mean that if you do fall pregnant he’s necessarily going to think it’s marvellous, step up and enthusiastically and whole heartedly get on with it thinking this is in fact what he signed up for by having unprotected sex. I wouldn’t risk my child having a father that didn’t want them or resented them or me.

As for siblings to play with, sometimes that works out, sometimes it’s just siblings to fight with. Much depends on their personality. With a four year plus age gap they’re not going to be at the same developmental stage and they might play together a lot, or they very well might not.

I'm 44 pregnant with 3rd 💪

I wouldn't consider this if it were me.

Surprises happen, despite the best of intentions but why anyone would do anything other than prevent a pregnancy with a partner who isn't actively on board and excited by the idea is beyond me. It's all hard enough with someone who really wants a baby, why risk your lovely family for anything less?

@PolePrince55
Do you mind me asking if it took longer to conceive in your 40s? I'm not quite there yet but I will be next year. So I'm expecting it could take me longer to conceive. Saying that, I fell pregnant with my 2nd at 35 only 2 months after coming off the pill so who knows!

I felt very similar at 38/39. Didn’t act on it though, and looking back it was the start of peri menopause. Hormones having a last hurrah…

If you want a child so much that you've asked a bunch of random strangers to help you make a decision - probably not.

I wouldn't want to bring a baby into the world now tbh Everything's gone down the pan.

Similar situation and age gaps, and different dads here. I went for the 3rd. She's 2 now and has an amazing bond with her siblings, especially dc2 (dc1 is an adult and lives at home, but has his own life and doesn't come out on trips or holidays with us). Stopping at 2 would have been like having 2 onlies, but it's different with another younger one - they play together and enjoy playgrounds and funfairs and soft play together. It's a totally different dynamic.

I had dc2 aged 38 and dc3 aged 41, easy pgs and births (elcs) and no tiredness or sign of perimenopause. Financially we have no concerns but I appreciate we're lucky there. I would not have liked to juggle 3 young dc but I'm really just juggling 2 now.

@thisisright

Thank you for sharing your story. Do you mind me asking if it took longer to conceive in your 40s?

I think because your partner isn't totally thrilled at the idea, it's a no.

It took longer to conceive dc2 in my 30s than dc3 in my 40s, but I'd had gynae treatment (not age related) in my mid 30s which probably affected conceiving dc2. Took over a year for dc2 and 6 months for dc3 - but we weren't trying that hard and missed some months. DC1 was unplanned so I can't compare.

100% this

I think your DD will have flown the nest as she is going to Uni is optimistic wishful thinking. A large number of grads are coming back home to live with parents once they graduate as they can’t afford to live out. How will home life work with a new baby when DD comes home for every half term / summer break ? Will there be sufficient room or are you assuming her space will be the for the new baby ?

It’s amazing what even 2 or 3 years can make in terms of energy levels etc. , as explained in 2 other current threads on MN about having a third in late 30s early 40s. I would also seriously consider your own health , you mentioned yourself you weren’t a pregnancy unicorn with your second so unlikely you will be that unicorn with your third.

Also take a look at the statistics for giving birth when older. Sadly the odds of having a child with SEN , Downs etc go up exponentially, as do the odds of having twins ( even with no family history) and the fact that your two DC are ok is no guarantee the third would be and you and your DH need to think hard about how you would cope if your child had special needs / heath issues. They won’t go away and could become a huge burden as you age.

You have a nice life now and it will get better as DC2 grows and you can do more. I would think long and hard about the life and joy you have now and whether it’s worth trading / taking a bet.

I think I would go for it in your position, as long as you’re confident your dp would be happy with it and you can both handle it. Although you have 2 dc, you have a large age gap. It’s harder (although lovely) having them close ish so they will both need you hands on for many years. It’s just more chaotic and tiring having 2.

I don’t understand the urge for a third, so a no from me. Number 2 nearly tipped me over the edge, I wouldn’t survive doing it again

you sound like you really want this, but your husband doesn’t. Could cause problems down the track

he gets all misty eyed and nostalgic, but says "I don't want to do it again, I'm happy with the memories of her like that".

he doesn't feel horrified enough at the idea of another to use contraception. So, he can't be that strongly opposed?

I wouldn't be having unprotected sex with someone in that situation. You want another - he does not.

Has he ever been in charge of contraception? You mentioned you were on the pill before having your youngest.

I think it's a bad idea to proceed without an enthusiastic 'yes' from your partner. It sounds like he's banking on it not happening.

@Curiosity101

He doesn't like using condoms so we tend to use the withdrawal method or just have sex at less fertile times in my cycle. We've been doing this successfully for just over 3 years since the birth of our daughter. Many a time he's been happy to take a risk when I've said I'm around the time of ovulation - he's said he will use the withdrawal method. I've often responded with, "and if I end up pregnant?", to which his answer is "then we will deal with it as and when it happens".

To me, this isn't a man who is as dead set against another pregnancy as he makes out?

I don't understand what trying for a baby is if it's not this? To me, not using contraception is trying.

Anyway, I felt like you after my second. I was on the fence for a while as I was worried I'd never feel done. But after my third, I feel exactly like your partner. I love looking back to when DC3 was tiny but have no wish for another child. I'm so glad I feel like my family is complete now.

Must be a nature age thing as I’m 39 too and thought I was done, but trying for one last baby.
Been trying over a year though so thinking my age might be making it take a bit longer.

He may feel withdrawal is safe. Done properly, it's pretty reliable.

What if he decides he can't cope with another baby after you've both wandered into another pregnancy and decides to leave?

Have a proper grown up conversation about it. Agree what you are going to do. Or are you scared to do that because he's going to say "no, i definitely do not want another baby?"

We've had many a proper conversation about it. His stance is always "I don't actively want another one, but if you fell pregnant I'd stand by you and support you, we'd make it work". He hasn't wavered from that.

Not read the whole thread but my third was twins and that put us into financial difficulty

If you are not 100% sure about having another baby then use contraception - you are only in your late 30s, the chances are you will conceive sooner rather than later if you're having unprotected sex. I would not be risking a pregnancy with a partner who is at best 'on the fence' about the idea.