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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mt boyfriend the therapist does like my emotions

55 replies

Goldielockes · 25/08/2024 12:23

My boyfriend is a therapist. I love my boyfriend and most of the time he is great. But sometimes he really upsets me. I can't understand how he doesn't understand emotions given the job he does.

I am a human being and I am not perfect. Sometime I get upset with things and sometimes I get annoyed. Today I got annoyed because I said don't put a drink on the wall in the garden because it's windy and it will get knocked over. He made fun of me as if I'm being ridiculous so I said OK do it. Two minutes later both my drink and his drink are knocked over (the cups were plastic so didn't break). I know its not a big thing but I got annoyed for a few seconds and then I got to to make another drink. He was then angry about me getting annoyed. He said he wasn't angry. He said its nothing so I shouldn't have got annoyed and that I'm being unreasonable. It's like he wants me to be a robot.

Now I'm upset. It was something stupid. I was annoyed for a few seconds and then he gets angry. I asked him why he is allowed to have an emotional reaction towards me but I am not allowed to express any negative emotions. He said because I'm being over the top.

My boyfriend is a therapist. I don't understand how he can't see that having emotions, even negative ones are normal. It's not like I started throwing things or screaming at him. I was just annoyed and made a comment saying I said if would get knocked over.

Now he is not talking to me. AIBU.

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 25/08/2024 12:26

be he just like you is human and isn't perfect. But not a chance I would be with someone who ignored me. What did you do when you got annoyed?

JaxiiTaxii · 25/08/2024 12:29

Now he is not talking to me.

So, your emotions are invalid, but he's allowed to feel his & do a bit of stonewalling? Interesting.

Is he actually qualified or has he done a Wowcher therapy level 1 course type thing?

Original poster
Goldielockes · 25/08/2024 12:33

I told him I told you so. So I think that pissed him off more.

He was showing me something that he'd done in the garden. So I think he was annoyed that I didn't concentrate on what he was telling me. Instead, I was rushing to pick the cups up and clean the mess up.

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 25/08/2024 12:33

I'd forget the fact he's a therapist. His job isn't the issue. It seems your reactions to eachother are quite out of sync. He sounds quite bad tempered and I would say if this is the way you interact regularly then you're simply not very compatible.
I'd say he sounds quite difficult to get along with at times. If you want to continue seeing him, what would you like to see change?

EveryKneeShallBow · 25/08/2024 12:36

Hmm. He sounds very controlling to me and I question whether he’s actually learned techniques to make him even more effective at getting into people’s heads and getting his own way. Big red flags for me.

Original poster
Goldielockes · 25/08/2024 12:37

He is a fully qualified Therapist. He has his masters. He is not like this with his patients. I know he is well established at work and his managers say he is excellent.

I think it's just me that he does this too. It's only when I get annoyed or when I get angry which is very rare.

He doesn't like to agree with me. Or that's how it feels.

OP posts:
Raininginparadise2 · 25/08/2024 12:37

Sounds hard work OP. Can you live with constantly feeling analysed? Not talking to you shows he is immature and not fully in control of his own emotions. I'd rethink this relationship.

Original poster
Goldielockes · 25/08/2024 12:39

EveryKneeShallBow · 25/08/2024 12:36

Hmm. He sounds very controlling to me and I question whether he’s actually learned techniques to make him even more effective at getting into people’s heads and getting his own way. Big red flags for me.

It only seems to happen if I'm angry or annoyed. Most of the time when I'm annoyed I think it's appropriate. Not like I'm just getting annoyed all day or getting angry and being horrible.

He does come from a family where there was DV. Not sure if this contributes to him trying to suppress my negative emotions.

OP posts:
Sheeplesss · 25/08/2024 12:41

So you have a bullying boyfriend that tries to control your reactions.

Who cares if he is a therapist🙄, he is controlling and manipulative and you should take it very seriously that he dismisses you, and shuts you down.

Is this really what you want in a relationship?

If you do I suggest you do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk because your boundaries are poor.

Time to rethink this relationship because he sounds nasty and belittling of you.

I really hope you don't live with him.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

AnyThoughtsWelcome · 25/08/2024 12:42

There are many, many, many awful therapists.

Someone I know who trained said their experience was that ten percent of the people with them on the training course seemed like they would be good therapists - the other 90 percent were riddled with their own issues, unworked out, and not fit for the job.

Original poster
Goldielockes · 25/08/2024 12:42

BobbyBiscuits · 25/08/2024 12:33

I'd forget the fact he's a therapist. His job isn't the issue. It seems your reactions to eachother are quite out of sync. He sounds quite bad tempered and I would say if this is the way you interact regularly then you're simply not very compatible.
I'd say he sounds quite difficult to get along with at times. If you want to continue seeing him, what would you like to see change?

We live together. Most of the time it's great. It seems to be around any negative type of emotions that he reacts. When it's happened before he has apologised. But I haven't got to the bottom and what causes this.

I do need to leave him job out of it. I have brought his job up before when this has happened and said would you react like this if I was a patient. Which was not good and I should not have said this.

OP posts:
ComealongMartha · 25/08/2024 12:46

What type of therapy does he do? Therapist could be anything.

DadJoke · 25/08/2024 12:49

Therapists can misuse their knowledge of therapeutic techniques and language to manipulate people.

You were entirely reasonable to be annoyed in this instance. I would have laughed and said - you better clear that up and get us new drinks.

HoppityBun · 25/08/2024 12:49

He is a therapist but he is human, too. He’s not perfect, either. Perhaps you can learn to talk the talk in a way he understands? Use his language. Make sure to talk about your feelings and not about his behaviour

Gingerisgoodforyou · 25/08/2024 12:50

Therapists aren't good at sorting themselves out necessarily. But he should at least be willing to reflect on things and acknowledge patterns/ be willing to try and change.

If he knows it upsets you, eould he be willing to discuss it further?

Original poster
Goldielockes · 25/08/2024 12:50

I spoke to him just now. He walked off because he was annoyed. Looks like he's allowed to be annoyed.

OP posts:
Hardlyworking · 25/08/2024 12:51

My good male friends female ex is a therapist. (proper one with masters, etc.).

I've never known someone so oblivious to the feelings of others. Every argument they had centred completely around her feelings and emotions, and any emotions from him were dismissed as over the top.

She was by all accounts an excellent therapist, but just completely blind to how her own behaviour affected others close to her. I'm delighted she's now an ex, as he spent far too much time blaming himself when it was clearly much more a 'her' issue.

HoppityBun · 25/08/2024 12:52

Goldielockes · 25/08/2024 12:37

He is a fully qualified Therapist. He has his masters. He is not like this with his patients. I know he is well established at work and his managers say he is excellent.

I think it's just me that he does this too. It's only when I get annoyed or when I get angry which is very rare.

He doesn't like to agree with me. Or that's how it feels.

Can you reflect this back to him? Tell him what your noticing?

ActualChips · 25/08/2024 12:53

Would not not rather be single? It all sounds incredibly tedious.

xyz111 · 25/08/2024 12:54

Why was your drink on the floor too? If you thought they would fall, just move them. Maybe he feels like you're always on at him about something? It's hard when we only hear one side of the story.

foreverbasil · 25/08/2024 12:54

Some people become therapists trying to outrun their own issues. Some of them are not very aware and reflective of this. Sometimes their own baggage spills out into their personal relationships. A good therapist is aware of this and learns from it. I've worked with many who don't, and they are some of the most difficult and dysfunctional work colleagues. I can only imagine what they are like at home.

Lindjam · 25/08/2024 12:55

Dear God, this sounds bloody miserable.

Do you really want to live your one precious life like this?

takealettermsjones · 25/08/2024 12:55

Therapists can still be knobheads...

Justlurking101 · 25/08/2024 12:58

What was he showing you in the garden? Why didn't you keep your drink in your hand? Sounds like he needs to get over himself... he was wrong but can't see how it's even a big deal. no point crying over spilt Prosecco unless was the last of the bottle?

Apolloneuro · 25/08/2024 12:59

Move out. This will never improve and you will feel more and more invisible and downtrodden. Literally today make plans to exit.