Mt boyfriend the therapist does like my emotions

[Goldielockes]

My boyfriend is a therapist. I love my boyfriend and most of the time he is great. But sometimes he really upsets me. I can't understand how he doesn't understand emotions given the job he does.

I am a human being and I am not perfect. Sometime I get upset with things and sometimes I get annoyed. Today I got annoyed because I said don't put a drink on the wall in the garden because it's windy and it will get knocked over. He made fun of me as if I'm being ridiculous so I said OK do it. Two minutes later both my drink and his drink are knocked over (the cups were plastic so didn't break). I know its not a big thing but I got annoyed for a few seconds and then I got to to make another drink. He was then angry about me getting annoyed. He said he wasn't angry. He said its nothing so I shouldn't have got annoyed and that I'm being unreasonable. It's like he wants me to be a robot.

Now I'm upset. It was something stupid. I was annoyed for a few seconds and then he gets angry. I asked him why he is allowed to have an emotional reaction towards me but I am not allowed to express any negative emotions. He said because I'm being over the top.

My boyfriend is a therapist. I don't understand how he can't see that having emotions, even negative ones are normal. It's not like I started throwing things or screaming at him. I was just annoyed and made a comment saying I said if would get knocked over.

Now he is not talking to me. AIBU.

The relationship sounds childish and he is particularly immature.

Why waste time with a clown when you can meet a Prince?

Read up on abusive relationships OP, because you are in one.

Sorry to read that you live with him.
Do you really not realise how abusive it is to not be "allowed" to be annoyed.

He can get annoyed but not you.

You desperately need to access some support because he is toxic, as is this relationship, abusive and toxic.

Not surprised in the least.

From my experience it seems that many people get into this line of work because of their own personal problems.

Listen to your own intuition.
Don’t let anyone treat you badly.

I tried to talk to him but he's just being sarcastic with me. I'm heading out with my friend so I'll try to talk to him later.

He will probably apologise later but it's just a shame that it will take me going out for him to reflect.

I'm probably partly to blame because we are doing something in the garden for my sister who passed and he wanted to show me the flowers. I told him I appreciated what he had done I did look but then I was like there is s mess now on the patio.

I just don't like my feelings being invalidated. I did appreciate what he did in the garden. But not that he made fun of me and got angry after I was annoyed.

How long have you been together? Aside from love (which is never enough on its own), why are you still with him?

Definitely put his profession to one side when considering his behaviour in the moment. He is not your therapist after all, and no-one could be expected to stay in work mode 24-7.

There is an issue there though. Have you asked him if he'd be interested in some short term couples therapy to explore the chain reaction that seems to be set off every time you express some minor irritation? At this point his profession is important - I'm hoping that as a trained therapist he will be used to going to therapy and see it as a useful space to explore what is happening. Because something is happening.

If he is closed to the idea, I would be concerned.

It sounds like HE needs some therapy!

The silent treatment is very childish. He's trying to punish you so you eventually start self-censoring any negative emotions. It may be time to take a hard look at this relationship.

Sorry to hear about your sister. 💐

Even if he’s a therapist he can still be a twat and a rubbish boyfriend

I agree with this.

Emotional bypassing. I think it's ornament in people who are drawn to professionals where they can fix other people and avoid being responsible for their own emotions.

I think it can draw in some really emotionally immature people who have enough emotional intelligence to manipulate but not enough to have proper healthy relationships

I agree, how childish/abusive of him.

I couldn't bear to be with someone who gives me the silent treatment. Problems can't be resolved if one of the parties refuses to speak.

As a therapist he must know this as it is the whole basis of his profession.

In the kindest way, this all sounds a bit over the top. Little arguments over absolutely nothing.

As he's a therapist, he's probably so used to people offloading and dealing with all sorts of emotions that he's desensitised to it.

I'd let it go. Sometimes there are personality clashes, sometimes you annoy each other and irritated at their emotions. Realistically, he's not going to change. People are who they are. He doesn't sound like the most awful person in the world.

Lol Wowcher therapy course!🤣

But truthfully do they have them? Cause if I can get a job as a therapist after that, I'm not too proud 😄

Sorry OP...

My psychology lecturer wanted to be a psychologist, but didn't get accepted on the Clinical Psychology post grad training.

She told us that, years later she's glad she didn't get accepted. Why? Because you can't be an emotional person who feels heart wrung and identifies with your patients or you'll get burned out pretty quickly, especially with repeat clients. So I daresay that it's something similar with some therapists. They are analytical in therapy, but they might be crap with emotions in real life.

He sounds a bit controlling, and maybe not for you, perhaps your communication styles are different.

We are mostly a good team together. We get along usually. I can be an emotional person and it's not usually a problem. It's more the me getting annoyed that he's having a problem with. I'm not sure what the problem is.

We both live together and we share everything. We both contribute to the chores equally. We spend time together and we do a lot of fun things together.

We've been together 4 years

But isn't he being fully analysed and told not to put a drink somewhere, and I told you so? The whole thing sounds like they both have growing up to do.

Yeah I think now I have calmed down I agree. It's stupid. On the whole he isa great person. Maybe because he here's stories from people that are going through far worse he is dismissing this as silly. Maybe I need to tell him that I'm allowed to get annoyed and it's done now so we can get over it.

I suppose it's getting used to living with each pther and learning about our differences. Knowing when something is important or even to let it go.

Thank you for your advice. It's really helped.

On some boundary-setting coaching it was explained to me that if I'm a people pleaser then essentially I'm dishonest. So if I'm biting my tongue when I should be able to express my anger, because I'm avoiding conflict, I'm actually being dishonest. So maybe, if I don't like people expressing their anger around me, I'm basically asking them to be dishonest too. I'm still thinking about it, but I think there's some truth in it (for me at least)...

Yeah I think you are right. Our communication styles are different.

I think maybe we were both being a little petty and need to let it go.

So he can be nasty, sarcastic, ignore you and control you and shut you down??????
But you are allowed to express nothing?
Really fxxked up OP.

I am so sorry about your sister.
You are dealing with a lot no doubt.

Don't be tempted to tolerate a clearly abusive man because you are grieving your sister.

You deserve better.
Look up "sunken cost fallacy" and the "boiled frog analogy".

He will only get worse.

This is true for me too. I was always a people pleaser until I had counselling very recently. I am learning that emotions are ok, even if they are negative.

I think my partner also struggleswith negative emotions die to suffering from DV as a child

I'm probably partly to blame because we are doing something in the garden for my sister who passed and he wanted to show me the flowers. I told him I appreciated what he had done I did look but then I was like there is s mess now on the patio.

I’m sorry for your loss. With more context, I can actually see why your bf might have been upset. I don’t think in and of itself this sounds abusive. He shouldn’t be ignoring you, but maybe he needs time to calm down. Personally I need space after an argument.

Accredited therapists should all have their own regular therapist. If your boyfriend is having problems communicating effectively with you, suggest he discusses this with his therapist next time!

i do think it would be useful for you to discuss how this escalated. His response should help you. It might also be good to ask him what he thinks about stonewalling. Hopefully as a therapist he will know it's very toxic. And he's likely identified that maybe he had some of that directed to him as a child? Potentially learned behaviour and he's not self-aware enough to recognise it in his behaviour with you? I hope he'll have a massive "A-ha!" moment and apologise.

He doesn't like you does he.
Thankfully you are not married to him.

Move on, find someone else - you are worth it.