To really quite dislike my teenage DS?

[Alldressedup]

Really would welcome some views on this please. Just got home from holiday with DH, DS14 and DD13. Yet again it was spoiled in parts by DS constant foul mood, incessant moaning and whining, intolerance of anything and anyone who wasn’t British, nit picking at his DS, snapping at everyone. He was pretty much awful for 75% of his waking hours.

The holiday on paper was / should have been great. It’s not like we were forcing him to do anything he wouldn’t/ any other child wouldn’t ordinarily like. Plenty of time to rest and relax too mixed with some days sightseeing etc.

He’s been like this for the last 4 years or so. It’s incredibly draining, it’s as though he says every awful thing that comes into his head. He literally cannot stop moaning and complaining all the sodding time. And some things he says are just vile, especially about other people he doesn’t know, I don’t know where he gets it from or who he is. I know he’s a teenager and at the mercy of his raging hormones, it just seems very extreme and I don’t particularly like him if I’m honest which is upsetting.

Does this sound within the realms of normal teenage behaviour to you?

I've all boys and who are all now fully grown and this doesn't sound familiar to me. Not all the time.

Do he have a job or a hobby? Play sport?

What's he like at home? Does he help out? Is he different in school?

He is angry about something. Did, or could, something have happened to him 4 years ago? Something that he couldn't tell you about?
I speak from personal experience.
You need to do something. Speak to his teachers, explore counselling, consider possible health problems, diet, exercise, hobbies. What is he looking at online? Who are his friends?

My first thought is that your ds sounds anxious, which is manifesting as aggression. My 15 year old ds can be like this, but not to this extreme.

How is he at home and school?

The covid restrictions were 4 years ago....

My DD's could be scathing and moaned a lot but this sounds worse. What's his mh like? How is he with his friends?

Yes. Of course. I have lost track. So my question about online activity could be relevant. But so is everything else.

That sounds like a lot of anger and resentment.

If you asked how he would spend his perfect holiday, what would he say? Is he resentful that he's been taken away from his gaming pc? Is there something else he is 'addicted' to?

I recognise the xenophobia though. It irritates me too. I've resolved to ensure we travel more, city breaks etc, to broaden ds' mind because it can be pretty draining.

My initial advice would be to just sit and chat with him, regularly (i.e. just happen to be with him daily for a bit...chatting or just being together if he's not speaking). My DD at 14 was, and still is a one for her declaratives and is very much influenced by stuff she sees on social media, but once you get past the declarations, her actual thought out explanations are sensible and she doesn't mean any of what she said in the way she said it.

Speak to him, try to listen to what his actual thought out opinions are and in that way you can start to work out if there are some actual issues there (e.g. on incel blogs, homophobic, racist etc.). It could also be that he's trying to get a rise out of you, and that will also root out that. Make sure you don't blow your top; listen and have a reasoned, clam discussion if you can.

It sounds a bit like he's spouting nasty stuff from online with some ongoing aggression/anxiety that's making him oppositional (maybe the horrible attitudes are part of separating from family etc). I think it's important to voice your disagreement but can you also find opportunities to show him he's valued, useful etc, like chores or interesting discussion about non-family stuff? It can be a horrible age!

At home he is up and down. Moans if I ask him to do anything to help round the house. Does very little. Moans about school and has had some bullying issues with his peers which have been resolved. He does speak to me about these things which is great, we talk a lot.

Has a hobby which he loves which gets him out of the house a lot and has a group of friends related to that. Also a nice bunch of friends at school too. When at home spends most of him time in his room chatting with friends.

Parents evening is always glowing about his attitude and politeness etc - teachers love teaching him etc (even if his efforts could be improved in my view).

MH has been a previous concern and we’ve sought help for it and it seemed to be improving. The break has just highlighted how much he complains, all the time. DH manages to switch off / ignore better than me but I just find it incredibly selfish too. This is also my holiday and he wants to bring the rest of us down with him.

Sounds like a teenager.

He’s not addicted to gaming but he is very much obsessed with his hobby and would do that all the time if he could. Think along the lines of cycling/ skateboarding etc. I think there’s some truth in him feeling he’s been dragged away from it. But I don’t think its good being that focussed on just one part of life…

Also, we have travelled a lot with the DC to open their eyes to different cultures etc. So it’s not that he’s never experienced anything different. And we chat about his views a lot and they get challenged in a calm way but I am just taken aback by it all to be honest and his level of intolerance.

what's he looking at online? do you check?

How do you deal with his constant moaning? Have you ever pointed it out to him?

You sound like a lovely, supportive parent and that sounds really upsetting. How weird to be exposed to lots of different cultures since a young child and to have an intolerant and unpleasant attitude like that. Interesting that he's fine at school, so he can control it.

Not all teenagers are like this but it isn't uncommon.

I worked in education for twenty years and this type of teen was a frequent experience.

If he has had mh problems this would explain a lot.
You may find that planning around his anxieties rather than exposing him to more "enriching" experiences results in less stress.

In a personal level we travelled a lot with our kids and as adults they have told me they hated it. It may broaden the mind but they don't necessarily enjoy it.

Re online stuff - don’t totally know, I will admit. I know the majority of what he looks at is related to his hobby. Stuff on YouTube etc. Is definitely attached to his phone all the time which is an issue.

I do believe he can control it because he’s not like this at school or if his friends were here he’d act differently.

I have told him many times that his moods and behaviour spoils it for the rest of us. He knows that. He says he enjoys our holidays and looks forward to them but then moans non-stop when we’re away (regardless of where we are, UK or abroad).

Sounds exactly like my 14 year old DS. We are away at the moment. And his behaviour at home sounds pretty similar- ask him to clean up after himself and it’s a major drama. No advice to give - just sympathy 😬

It is so sad that teenagers are being exposed to such grim intolerant stuff, but it sounds as though you are doing and saying all the right things.
I remember a teenage DD ruining a foreign holiday pining for her boyfriend .... she laughs about it now and says she does not know how we pit up with her!
It is perfectly OK to not like your teenager ... especially when he is doing unlikeable things. Just keep on living him .... and telling him so. This too will pass.

The only concerning thing about this is the signs of potential racism. Check the history of every device he uses and deal with what you find there.
Then ignore him, tell him you don’t listen to whining. EarPods and a podcast/ music on as soon as he starts.

Loving, not living!

Thank you! The huffing and puffing I get when I ask him to bring his dirty pots down from his room is unbelievable. People say they come through the other side but I just can’t see any glimmers of light right now I’ll be honest. Don’t know where my lovely boy has gone.

I definitely recognise and can empathise with your situation. My ds is the same, he is not diagnosed but definitely has ASD. I see his attitude comes from a place of discomfort and heightened anxiety but painful to travel with 😔

Although I wouldn’t have dared spoil a holiday I do remember as a teen being incredibly critical of everything. I was always moaning and complaining. I honestly don’t really know why. I do remember a friend telling me I was always moaning and that jolted me (I don’t think I even realised). I felt so embarrassed I became very self conscious about it and stopped.