Asexual relationship

[imgreen]

Following on from a similar thread , I accepted many years ago that my partner doesn't like sex. Seems repulsed by the physical act but I think he has done it to please me. We do have sex now and again. Boring, fast and dutiful I think. He doesn't touch me with his hands or mouth down there. He is very affectionate and loving. Loves kisses and cuddles.
I somehow managed to get pregnant and we have a child.

I buried my own high sex drive. Tried everything to turn him on and took a major interest in my appearance back then. Now I've given up. I don't bother with make up, hair and don't dress up anymore. I did love all of that.

I love him but sex is now gone.

He told me early on that he had very little interest in sex and I accepted that as my self esteem was so low and had just come from an abusive relationship.
We adore our son, he is besotted and never thought he would be a dad . He loves our child much more than he loves me.

All of his relationships previous to ours ended due to his lack of sexual interest and performance, I guess.
I was a fool to bury my libido but I thought stability and love would see me through for our lives together.

He loves our family and is really happy but deep down I'm scared that my head will be turned and I will resent him later on in life.

Does this have any chance of lasting. What has your experience been please? I am only 30.

No sex is missionary . No foreplay and fast. I think he is repulsed by it/ me/ my bits.

If he is gay he isn't ever going to desire you. He may love you, like you, put a pizza in the oven if you are tired, be a great dad, be clever and kind, think up amazing holidays or trips. But he isn't going to want to have sex with you. But in a sense it's irrelevant whether he is gay or not because he isn't meeting your needs. The situation you are in may work for him but it isn't working for you. I would suggest, gently, that you consider leaving him. You can co parent perfectly well and not live with him. It may sound frightening but there are endless possibilities ahead. Good luck.

That sounds humiliating and utterly soul destroying.
It doesn’t sound like sex worth fighting for.

OP, I remember a late night radio phone in some years ago, where a young woman was telling her similar story to a relationship therapist/counsellor, and the therapist said, even after only hearing the young woman's side of the story, said that her "partner" was either gay or damaged.

I have 2 gay male friends ( married to each other). One was repulsed ( his word) by the idea of female bodies and has never had sex/ kissed/ fancied a woman. The other looked just like George Michael when young and got a lot of attention from women. His friends were all straight so he thought he ought to be too. He tried really hard to enjoy sex with women but he found female anatomy repulsive ( his word). Interesting that your husband appears to be repulsed by your body .

In all seriousness, he may just not be interested in sex full stop. You said it had crossed your mind as to whether he was gay. And there are a few things that might indicate that. But having said that I once knew a very feminine man who was totally straight, had liked girls and women since primary school.

But in a way, that's not the issue - the reasons he doesn't want sex are for him to understand. You can only deal with your side of it.

For you, your feelings around lack of sex have changed since you got together and that is fine, people change. I think it highly unlikely that at your age you will be able to last another 20-30 years in a relationship without what is a normal sexual expression to the majority of people (barring those who are asexual)

I am in my mid 50's, a low post-menopausal drive and even I wouldn't want a sexless relationship.

As an aside you said he doesn't like glamour and makeup - that's not necessarily a signifier of not being attracted to women. I am a lesbian and I am attracted to a range of women including feminine, but only to natural looking women. I don't like glamorous styling, make up and perfume, it's just not my aesthetic. So that may not mean anything except that you have different aesthetic tastes.

Oh OP- this isnt going to last- this is so, so horrible even if he's otherwise loving outside the bedroom.

This will wear your self esteem down into dust over time. Of course a relationship is more than just sex but the problem is you cant compartmentalise feelings like this. It WILL affect your wellbeing/self esteem and it will poison you over time. Sex isnt just about the physical act, its about intimacy and closeness and showing love and feeling wanted, desired, attractive etc Those things are important, they arent only important for an hour in the bedroom a few times a week.

I think you are right to suspect he is gay. I think you should leave. This isnt going to get better and life is too short to live like this- for either of you.

Even if it "can" last, do you want it to? You're 30, you could have 50+ years with a man you're sexually compatible with. I would leave now before like you say, your head is turned

Honey in the nicest gentlest way…he is gay. He hasn’t even admitted it to himself yet but he’s gay. These are NOT modern, PC ways…they are how gay men act.

Do hid friends think he's gay when socialising because he's looking at men, trying to dance near to men, talking about/ pointing out attractive men.Men who are straight don't do any of this to other men. Men who are asexual don't do this.Men who are gay absolutely do do this.

He definitely sounds gay to me but ultimately that’s something you both are going to have to figure out

See if he’s on Grindr?

This was my first thought too.

This sounds miserable op.

Can you talk to a therapist to help work through what you want to do?

Also, you said you used to really enjoy clothes/hair make up. If you enjoyed it, then start to do that stuff again for you and not him. Because it sounds like, for whatever reason, he doesn't want or like sex with you. So why not please yourself and do your hair and make up if makes you happy? As he won't be happy either way.

Hi

stop thinking about what he is or isn’t and think about you and your happiness and your ONE life.

youre not happy, don’t settle, leave and find someone that loves you totally. You are worth it, get that interest back in yourself and fly xxx

oh and I expect he will thank you at some point as it might make him be honest with himself.

This will make you feel like sh*t.

Get out before you feel too worthless to deserve more.

You would not have failed if you do not stick this out imo ( if you don’t want to). He should never have married really. It is extremely harmful for a woman to be in a relationship with a gay man who is secretly repulsed by her I have always thought.

If you do stay together though, forget hoping for him to find you attractive, or even having any sexual relationship, but be sure that you be the real you, for yourself, and the world (doing your hair etc.).

In an ideal world it would be good if you could separate but live very near each other and look after your child together while being free to have your own life.

Leave.

I've recently divorced and sex was a very loose but sadly related part of it.

Now shagging someone incredibly fit who makes me feel amazing.

It doesn't sound like there is much in this for you. Whether he is closeted or asexual, the relationship isn't healthy because it's damaging your self esteem and your needs are not being met. At 30, you are young and can move forward. If you do divorce and start dating again, don't rush into something heavy with the first person that comes along.

Was going to say the same. @imgreen what this is doing to you isnt worth stability.

and as a pp said, what happens when in ten years time If he finally overcomes his own possible homophobia / denial and leaves. Youve wasted your youth.

I was originally going to say being asexual is definitely a thing but... reading on... honey I think he is definitely gay.

Simple and effective gay test: play the Grindr notification sound around him and see how he reacts.
To be honest, gay, straight and not into you, asexual, or just low testosterone, this is no way for you to live. He sounds like he cares about you and your son and would be willing to be a good coparent. Get out now and don’t waste anymore of your time.