Asexual relationship

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Following on from a similar thread , I accepted many years ago that my partner doesn't like sex. Seems repulsed by the physical act but I think he has done it to please me. We do have sex now and again. Boring, fast and dutiful I think. He doesn't touch me with his hands or mouth down there. He is very affectionate and loving. Loves kisses and cuddles.
I somehow managed to get pregnant and we have a child.

I buried my own high sex drive. Tried everything to turn him on and took a major interest in my appearance back then. Now I've given up. I don't bother with make up, hair and don't dress up anymore. I did love all of that.

I love him but sex is now gone.

He told me early on that he had very little interest in sex and I accepted that as my self esteem was so low and had just come from an abusive relationship.
We adore our son, he is besotted and never thought he would be a dad . He loves our child much more than he loves me.

All of his relationships previous to ours ended due to his lack of sexual interest and performance, I guess.
I was a fool to bury my libido but I thought stability and love would see me through for our lives together.

He loves our family and is really happy but deep down I'm scared that my head will be turned and I will resent him later on in life.

Does this have any chance of lasting. What has your experience been please? I am only 30.

If you were 50 my advice would be different. You are only 30. It is unlikely you're going to be able to get through the next 15-20 years pre menopause libido slump without cheating. Have the conversation now about how your needs will be met. An open relationship is surely a possibility?

Would he be gay?

You are too young to be settling. Suppose he finds someone who he's attracted to in 5 or 10 years down the line? When I started to read your post I assumed you were in your 50s. Life's short and these are the good years.

My first thought was gay too and nothing in your subsequent posts is persuading me otherwise, just affirming.

Even if he’s not gay, this is no life for you, it’s grinding you down. Leave him to work out what he wants, work on what you want.

i know you say you don’t have a leg to stand on because this is how he is, but if he thought you were thinking of ending things would he try again?

im more than a decade older than you and my sex life has taken a tumble recently after 20 years together and some medical issues, no way would I have stuck it out from 30.

He has lots of female friends and a designer moustache, beard look. He has been mistakenly thought of as gay many times by his own friends and when socialising.

And does he ever comment that way on women, either women he knows or sportswomen?

Does he like musicals, Britney Spears and attend Pride events?

It doesn't really matter whether he is gay or not. He has very little interest in sex with women, which may be because he is asexual or because he is gay or because he has body dysmorphia or any number of other reasons. The point is, he was upfront about this with you, you thought you could live with it but now it seems you can't. You say he "would never accept" an open relationship -- why? Try asking him, if that's something you think you personally could live with.

“I don't bother with make up, hair and don't dress up anymore. I did love all of that.”

If you did love doing all that why don’t you still do that, not for him but for yourself?
It doesn’t matter if he’s Asexual, gay or straight this is working for you. Does he know you need more?

This.

Trolling??
He does comment on attractive women and even comments on things like boobs etc but I think it's a mask because he certainly is not interested in mine , even if they are tiny.

He is not a fan of make up. He clearly dislikes it and feels the need to say that to me some times.

I'm asexual, would love to have your partner.
Joking.
Married for 20 years to a husband three decades older, no kids, both happy.
I'm 45.
That's my experience, it's up to you how important sex is for yourself, unfortunately I cannot give advice on that.
Is it important enough to leave?
😳

How many timed a day does he call his mother? I'm sorry, OP. I'd break up now.

I don't think your relationship can last and I don't think you should sacrifice so much of yourself trying. I think you realise you settled for someone who wasn't abusive and perhaps that was a low bar to set.

If he is gay my worry for you would be that you spend the next 20 years trying to make it work and then he decides he can no longer live a lie and tells you he is gay and he's met someone else.

I think you need an open an honest conversation now before you are filled with resentment about wasted years which might lead to an acrimonious separation.

It would be awful to stay and 'make do' and then be left for a man in the future. It sounds extremely likely he is gay. At some point, if he is, he will likely confront it and leave. Don't waste your youth on putting up with a hopeless situation. You have tried and this isn't working for you. You could hopefully co-parent well together and you possibly find a more compatible partner. I'm aware this will all be very hard and traumatic but it would be awful to be storing up the hard and traumatic bit for the future.

Agree. For everyone, things shift over time.

If he is gay, he might also feel ready to experiment but knowing he still has the support of your relationship. Would you be comfortable with that?

He is very attached to his family. Particularly his mother and sisters, yup. Abnormally I did once think. I relate well to them but they are very/ overly involved at times.

What matters more than whether he's gay or asexual is that you're 30 and already not happy with the status quo. At your age you stand a good chance of meeting someone who can meet both your sexual and emotional needs. It also sounds like your current partner would step up and be a good co parent and hopefully, eventually, a friend.

You said your self esteem was low when you met, that's why you buried your libido. It's fine to accept something then but evolve and change. In the short term him not being like your abusive ex may have allowed you to heal. But in the longer term, evidenced already by feeling unseen and unappreciated as a sexual person, and how grim it must feel to have sex with someone you know doesn't want it, I think this will wear away at your confidence and leave you resentful and craving a different sort of intimacy.

Of course there are relationships where partners are happy not having much or any sex, but that's because that's what they both want. For people who do need sexual intimacy, I think it's a bit like trying to persuade yourself you're not tired if you haven't slept all night.

Would it be an option for you both to have a Fwb relationship- him with a male partner you with a different male partner and stay together?

I think it is possible may be potentially gay though not consciously so. Is his background one where being gay might be suppressed?

I was with someone low sex drive with me at least from age 24 to 42 and the biggest regret is losing the years in my prime wasted in that relationship. Can't get them back