Asexual relationship

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Following on from a similar thread , I accepted many years ago that my partner doesn't like sex. Seems repulsed by the physical act but I think he has done it to please me. We do have sex now and again. Boring, fast and dutiful I think. He doesn't touch me with his hands or mouth down there. He is very affectionate and loving. Loves kisses and cuddles.
I somehow managed to get pregnant and we have a child.

I buried my own high sex drive. Tried everything to turn him on and took a major interest in my appearance back then. Now I've given up. I don't bother with make up, hair and don't dress up anymore. I did love all of that.

I love him but sex is now gone.

He told me early on that he had very little interest in sex and I accepted that as my self esteem was so low and had just come from an abusive relationship.
We adore our son, he is besotted and never thought he would be a dad . He loves our child much more than he loves me.

All of his relationships previous to ours ended due to his lack of sexual interest and performance, I guess.
I was a fool to bury my libido but I thought stability and love would see me through for our lives together.

He loves our family and is really happy but deep down I'm scared that my head will be turned and I will resent him later on in life.

Does this have any chance of lasting. What has your experience been please? I am only 30.

Laughing at the once your 50 sex life is over vibe! Mumsnet is so old fashioned at times.
I have friends that are 50+ and are at it like rabbits.
Mumsnet would have you believe your sex life is dead at 40.

Sorry but sounds like he's gay to me , not this alone but the fact he won't have sex with his wife ?

Suggesting that the most likely reason someone doesn't want to have sex with a woman is cos they're gay is very some fat ugly Croydon Friday night beer wanker "what are you a fucking lesbian?!" vibes.

Hats off everyone

What worries me, is whether he could be having a gay sex life without your knowledge OP, but then says that if you go elsewhere the relationship is over.

I have a gay friend who was married for 15 years, and had a son of 9, before he finally came out. Everyone but his wife seemed to know he was gay, but whether she was kidding herself, or genuinely didn't realise, only she knows.

I think if you haven't already, I would ask him outright if he's gay, as it's really not fair on you to expect you to have no sex life when he could theoretically be getting all he wants from life, ie, a sex life you're unaware of, and a happy little family at home.

If it was a man posting he would be called a sex pest and to stop back off or leave suck it up or get a divorce.

It has entered my mind that because he does not like curves, make up or comment when I'm
Dressed in a glamorous way , that he does not find femininity attractive.
I am stick thin, like him, no curves and as said earlier, it has been commented before that we now look like each other.
This thread has opened my eyes.

Sounds like he’s gay and, being frank, YOU may be in an asexual relationship but he’s probably not. He’s probably having sex… At the gym… Which he goes to every day… Wearing skin tight clothes… Where he notices how good looking other men are…and then talks to you about them (mentionitis)… while he affectionately hugs you… and plays with the kid he never thought he’d have (why? Probably because he’s gay?)

I feel like you could test this actually. If he’s actually secretly gay and having tonnes of sex with his gym buddies just text him from a burner phone, send him a picture of a half naked man (no face and make the photo shitty like it was taken on a phone) and say something like “saw you at the gym earlier, hope you don’t mind me getting your number. Jack in the black tank top x and see if he responds. If he shows you like hey look I just got this weird message he’s probs not gay, just asexual. If he’s actually hitting up Grindr on his lunch break then he’ll text the burner back. If he’s in denial and refuses to engage with the fact he’s gay, he’ll act weird and off and won’t tell you about the message.

But regardless of weather hes gay or not, you’re not happy in this relationship but he sounds generally nice and like a lovely father - just coparent with him! Go the the freaking hairdresser, get your eyebrows waxed and your nails painted. In fact, book a bloody spa night away and sort yourself out then come home and say sorry IVE CHANGED MY MIND! Because he can’t hold you to ransom in a relationship just because years ago you said you were ok with him having a low sec drive! You can just up and leave a relationship whenever you want for any reason or no reason. You’ve changed your mind. And that’s ok.

although I’m confused about one thing - if you say he cares so much about his looks, why did that person saying you look like him mean that you are unattractive?

Why would he masculinise me. Is that a thing?

You are the same poster who just wrote why don't you fuck someone else and not tell him.

Yes.

He won't agree to medical help (because presumably deep down he knows what the problem is- whatever that might be.) However there is nothing to stop you from seeking help.
I'd recommend some therapy to explore your feelings around your low self esteem and, from there, use your learnings to navigate leaving your marriage (or making piece with the status quo- being mindful that it may not remain like this forever and you could suck it up for another decade only to find him leave you anyway.)
This isn't right. A sexless relationship is fine if both parties are fully and openly consenting to those terms. You're not. He won't do anything but you can.

If he's taking the adversarial stance that 'you don't have a leg to stand on' because you made a life with him knowing that sex had been an issue in previous relationships, that's not kind or loving. He knows himself best - does HE think he has a leg to stand on getting into a long term partnership without sorting out whatever this issue is? He used to have sex with you - was that under false pretences? You're now questioning whether your own body is adequate to attract him. That's very painful (and not likely to have anything to do with it).

Can you have a calm conversation about this without flinging accusations at each other? Where a relationship has been sexual, it's reasonable to ask why it isn't any more, and whether that could change. And that's the case at any age (55 here and no intention of downing tools on my sex life any time soon).

But surely most men who don't want to have sex with women are gay? Because heterosexual men do want to have sex with women. This isn't about one man not being attracted to a particular woman, he doesn't want sex with any woman.

Reading your further posts, I find it surprising that you find him attractive tbh. I certainly couldn’t, I am very much drawn to
masculine energy.

I am the same age as you OP and enjoy sex with my DH very much. I would be devastated if it was taken off of the table for the rest of my life. I personally would leave. It is possible to have it ‘all’.

Being gay is characterised by having sex with men, not the absence of sex with women.

Some people aren't sexual. Hence we have a word for it.

OPs husband could be gay. He could also just not like sex.

Mistakenly, nope we usually know

A friend of mine has been married 30 years, many of them completely sexless. He loves her very deeply but he refused to deal with it when it started and she says she was too busy with kids to tackle it at the time. Now he says they are ‘too old’ for that kind of stuff (late fifties). My friend tells me she wished she’d left many years ago. She struggles very hard with idea of celibacy forever. She thought her libido would die down, but it hasn’t. She is very, very lonely in her marriage, and says it gets harder, not easier.

Sorry OP, I also wouldn't be at all suprised if he is gay (and having a secret sex life). But whether that is the case or not I couldn't stay in a relationship where I knew my partner has no desire for me, it just sounds quite soul destroying really 🙁

Rubbish. Some mean are gay, marry, do what they 'think' is the right path, have children and live a lie for many, many years before coming out, eg Philip Schofield. Its not unusual.

That's sad.

You are his unwilling beard. It’s very unfair. He should have been upfront about why he didn’t want sex rather than just saying that he didn’t want it. You could’ve made an informed decision about being with him then. Your path may have been the same one that you’ve actually taken, but at least your eyes would’ve been open and it would’ve been a thought-through choice.

When you do have sex, does he prefer 'doggy style'. Has he ever suggested anal.

You don't believe in asexuality?

As I said, he could be gay, he could be asexual. Whatever the case the OP isn't getting any, and she's not happy. So she should fuck someone else.

How she goes about that is up to her.

If the only way I could stay with my OH was for her to cheat on me, and I was never going to know? Brilliant, everyone is getting what they want