To be sick of DM raising this

[Bikeonachrist]

I’m an eldest daughter of a DM who separated from my father when I was 12.

Lots of upset, lots of drama and ultimately my father ended up no contact with anyone and dying alone by suicide.

DM has this awful habit of bringing up this terrible incident from when I was 12 and DB 10 and 8. Basically parents had a physical fight where dm was thrown out of the house. DB 10 climbed out the window after her but I stayed with younger DB 8. When we are out for dinner and maybe some drinks DM raises this (as she always holds it against me that I didn’t follow her) Tonight I told her I am sick of listening to this, enough is enough. She affronted , but AIBU of being of listening to it ?

You are not unreasonable and perhaps your mother needs some counselling to understand how traumatising this was for you as a small child that should have been protected by her parents.

I'd say it was a good thing you drew a line. If she brings it up again tell her you meant it when you said this was no longer something you are willing to listen to unless she is willing to do so in therapy with you.

No, you are right to say enough!

You are not to blame for any of your parents mess. I'm so sorry.

Just start telling her straight. You was a child and stayed with your younger sibling. You didn't pick sides and any decent parent wouldn't expect you to. They should have sorted themselves out before it got to that point.

I have said this many times but she says this is her life and she’s entitled to discuss it. It’s a grievance against me rather than an awful situation for all involved

YANBU. Not your responsibility.

Every time she brings it up tell her you're working on forgiving her for leaving you with an abuser?

Or ask her in front of others whether she is seriously blaming you, as a child, for the messed up situation she allowed you to live in? And for not prioritising her feelings over your youngest brother's?

Or just stop seeing her. I think her behaviour is terrible.

Well its your life too and you are entitled to not discuss it..the cheek of her putting that burden on a young child (because that is what you were). She needs to check her entitlement (as the Americans say)

Her responsibility was to protect her children, which it seems she failed to do. You could say she left you in house with a violent abuser/ how did she make sure you were safe? Did she come and get you out? You must have been very scared.
It sounds that she needs reminding that she was the adult and you were a child.
Im really angry on your behalf, OP, you should not have been put in that position, and the fact that she is blaming you and not accepting her responsibility sucks.
You’d be perfectly within your rights to tell her you are not going to listen this again, that it is perpetuating the harm and abuse you suffered as a child, and then walk out.
It’s so unfair that she is blaming you for this, she sounds toxic.

A parent's role is to protect their children and be the adult in the relationship. What she's doing by repeatedly bringing this up and blaming you wouldn't be okay in any relationship, really, but for a parent to do this to their child (whatever that child's age) is particularly egregious. YANBU. You don't have to just take it, and it's time to make that clear to her.

Why is she bringing up something that happened so long ago when you were a child. She had a duty of care to you and she failed big time.

She is an abysmal parent and I don't think anyone would blame you to cut her off.

She abandoned you not the other way round.

It’s not ok - presumably she is traumatised by what happened and hasn’t processed it properly / moved on / accepted it so is lashing out at you. Definitely not ok. She needs therapy - any chance? If not, perhaps in a better moment you could take her to one side and say that you understand that the situation was very traumatising for her, but that you were a child living through the same trauma and it is unfair and unacceptable to keep punishing you for something that was outside of your control. Her continuing to talk about it is making you relive a trauma that was not your fault, which is unfair, and so you need her to stop. Then say if she raises it again you will simply leave, every time. And then do it. She will hopefully learn

It's hard to tell if it's a response to the trauma she went through or if she herself is the problem now, but I'd have thought most parents would feel some sort of misplaced guilt that you were trapped inside the house on that occasion, not hold you responsible for not getting yourself out of the house.
I would try to shut it down every time. You were a child, it was a traumatic situation for you too and one you had even less agency in, you were not responsible for your parents actions or your parents safety. Make it very clear to her that this conversation will it be happening again and if she starts I'd physically remove myself from the situation.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. That's a lot for a child to go through and it's very unfair of your mum to keep adding to the pain.

She’s holding a grudge against the actions of a frightened 12 year old?! Does she have a personality disorder?

The 1% who say YABU are absolute pricks.

You were a child.

Ask her why SHE, an adult, WALKED AWAY without all of her children.

Every time she raises it, raise that back at her.

Your mum subjected you to domestic violence and now emotional abuse.

Next time she brings it up, take a leaf out of her book and walk out of the restaurant.

I'd be going NC.

Firstly for leaving you with an abuser.

Secondly for holding a grudge against a 12 year old child.

And thirdly for even bringing it up when she was obviously a shit parent.

Your mother seems to be forgetting that you were there protecting the younger sibling and actually it sounds like you and your other sibling worked as a team. I'm not sure if you realised this at the time but one protecting and supporting your mum and the other protecting and supporting the younger sibling is the perfect dynamic IMHO.

Your mum is creating more trauma for you and that's absolutely unacceptable she needs to stop this and use some self reflection on why a mother is blaming her child for a traumatic experience that was in no way connected to you.

Can I ask how long ago this happened?

How dare she expose you to that, then hold it over you?

I think, as others have said, that when she does this, you walk away. You simply get up and say, 'I'm not going to put up with this any longer. You are at fault - you abandoned me and didn't care what might happened to me. You're not actually a very nice person and I'm not going to be abused by you.'

Then leave. There is no reason why you should feel responsible. You were a child. The next move is up to her.

My mum and dad separated when I was six. I moved away with my mum and sister. One night my dad appeared and there was a fight where he ended up trying to strangle my mum against metal railings. I saw this from a window, but what did I do? I tried to get dressed quickly cause I wanted to go with my Dad.
Couldn't go with him because the police lifted him and took him away. My mum - being the kind of person she was - never mentioned it and raised us as best she could under very dire circumstances.

I would tell her your this is on your parents not you and she is being ridiculous

YANBU- that was awful for you as a child and it's horrendous that she blames you.

Maybe she can’t let it go because she needs you to say you forgive her.