To be sick of DM raising this

[Bikeonachrist]

I’m an eldest daughter of a DM who separated from my father when I was 12.

Lots of upset, lots of drama and ultimately my father ended up no contact with anyone and dying alone by suicide.

DM has this awful habit of bringing up this terrible incident from when I was 12 and DB 10 and 8. Basically parents had a physical fight where dm was thrown out of the house. DB 10 climbed out the window after her but I stayed with younger DB 8. When we are out for dinner and maybe some drinks DM raises this (as she always holds it against me that I didn’t follow her) Tonight I told her I am sick of listening to this, enough is enough. She affronted , but AIBU of being of listening to it ?

Awful of her to do this.

It seems that rather than being able to self-reflect about the fact that she exposed her children to an abusive environment, she instead chooses to blame you...

I would firmly tell her that you will no longer let her bring that subject and blame you and that needs to seek professional help (counselling) for her issues.

I would go low contact with someone like this.

She didnt leave, she was thrown out of the house, its in the OP.

It sounds like she is angry that you, age 12, looked after a young sibling instead of 'going to her rescue'.

She is being unreasonable.

Next time she brings it up (and every time after) I would say "oh you mean the time you left 3 children in a house with a violent man and expected them to climb out of windows to escape to you?"

She needs to understand she's re-traumatising herself as well as you when she brings this up, You were a child, it was not on you to make a decision on behalf of her feelings.

Oh my DM does this. Will bring up embarrassing or silly stories from my childhood that never paint me a good light such as silly lies I've told, teenage years and troubles. Not sure why she does it but it drives me insane.

I'm assuming actually hoping. she called the police at this point, but it doesn't sound like she saw it as the dx escaping with her, more they were to come to her defence, or prove she was in the right. Awful, sad times op.

You were a frightened child looking after your sibling in horrible circumstances and she still bears a grudge against you after all these years?

I'd say that it wasn't only your dad who was abusive. She's abusing you now.

You are an adult, it's your life and you too are entitled to say what you want. And you don't want to discuss it, and you won't put up with her going on about it any more.

It's messed up that she blames you, as a child, for protecting her younger brother. You did a wonderful thing in a fcked up situation.

*your younger brother not her

Of course your DM should get some counselling BUT so should YOU.

The very fact that you are asking if you are BU over this shows you are still caught up in the dysfunctional dynamic you grew up in.

It's so important for you to deal with that properly and effectively so that you can move forward with a clear perspective that you did nothing wrong in the past and to build good boundaries for the future.

You deserve better than you've had or are getting OP. Good luck. 💐

Some people will be traumatized and go over and over things because they need to process them, but get stuck along the way. So they repeat the cycle.

BUT

Some people use events to stoke their sense of injustice, victimhood and use it to absolve them of responsibility in their lives. Not saying that bad things did not happen to them. Or that the things were ok. But for a certain type of person, this becomes their reason for living and it is deeply concerning and difficult to be around. Its called secondary gain.

Like others have said I would turn this round and question her if she regrets having physical fights in front of her small children. Or point out how frightened you were as children when your parents were arguing and fighting. Ask her what she could have done to avoid that.

I am with others who say walk away when she starts.

Say very clearly, "I was a SCARED CHILD, and I was trying to comfort William. If you can't see that, then it says far more about you than it does about me. Excuse me, I am leaving now"

If she can't accept it then you may have to reduce contact, and certainly don't agree to meet her in company.

But it sounds like she's dragging you into it and she's not entitled to talk about YOUR life (using her logic). So the most she could say was that it was awful being thrown out of the house and not mention you at all.

However it would be much better to not mention something traumatising to you at all in front of you. I'd be tempted to say I'm leaving and just go and pay your share of the bill later.

Awful to drag children into adults' arguments even though you are an adult now you experience it as you did then and it must have been horrific for you.

This is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.

Blaming a scared child who didn’t want to leave their scared younger sibling is absolutely awful.

If she brings it up again, tell her how disgusting it is that she would try and guilt trip you over something you did as a child and that you will leave if she carries on.
Then I would go low contact with her and tell her exactly why.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I bet this isn't the only thing she uses as "proof" that you fall short of her expectations.

Maybe just reply with "well someone had to look after DB8, since none of the adults involved were capable of doing so." And walk off.

I have a nearly 12 year old and had an abusive marriage, she's being completely unreasonable and plain wrong to blame a child for any of this. It was her job to protect you not the other way around. You should never have to listen to your parent blaming you for being a child caught in the middle of an abusive marriage, it must have been terrifying for you all. I would have been frantic about my kids in that situation, not expecting them to rescue me which sounds like what she's doing. Her expectations of you in the middle of a terrifying situation are completely inappropriate. Also I'd rather my DD looked after her brothers, I'm the adult, I'm the mum it's not their job to look after me and it was never your job look after your mum as a child.

100% this!

You don't owe your muma relationship OP, if you weren't related you'd not stay friends with someone who did this!

Christ.

What a self-centred woman
you have for a mother.