To be sick of DM raising this

[Bikeonachrist]

I’m an eldest daughter of a DM who separated from my father when I was 12.

Lots of upset, lots of drama and ultimately my father ended up no contact with anyone and dying alone by suicide.

DM has this awful habit of bringing up this terrible incident from when I was 12 and DB 10 and 8. Basically parents had a physical fight where dm was thrown out of the house. DB 10 climbed out the window after her but I stayed with younger DB 8. When we are out for dinner and maybe some drinks DM raises this (as she always holds it against me that I didn’t follow her) Tonight I told her I am sick of listening to this, enough is enough. She affronted , but AIBU of being of listening to it ?

She’s entitled to discuss it. And you’re entitled not to.

I suggest letting her know you don’t want to talk about it, unless perhaps it’s in a space of family counselling, if you want that.

If you don’t, then the best option is to set a boundary and say she should discuss it with a counsellor or friends. But if she tries to with you, you’ll calmly and politely remove yourself. If this happens more than once, indicating she won’t respect your boundary, then you’ll have to avoid spending time with her.

It may help to seek your own counselling to help process the trauma you experienced, while caring for your younger sibling.

Then she needs to use her words and say that. And maybe look to herself rather than continuing to throw blame around. It’s not OP’s responsibility to ‘fix’ this and make her mother feel better about not protecting them.

OP was a child when all this happened, and still showed more maturity at that time than her mother is showing now.

She's entitled to discuss it but you're entitled to not having to listen to it. So ask her before each visit if she is going to bring it up again because in that case she won't see you.

Also, she ought to be grateful for you staying with DB 8 instead of leaving him with his violent father. If you have the courage you can correct her narrative: " I remember when DF was violent and you and older DB left. Luckily I was stuck around so DB 8 was not left by himself with DF." You're the "heroine" in this tale and I would make that clear to DM.

Agree with OPs and would like to add that she is not entitled to talk about it to anyone who doesn’t want to hear it. You are entitled to choose what you listen to.

She failed as a parent. Your number one job is to keep your children safe. How dare she put this on you.

Yanbu. She’s awful. I’m sorry, OP.

A really poor excuse of a mother who still uses that against you when you all were children in a traumatic situation. Sounds like she thinks everything happened to her rather than you kids suffering abuse too

Exactly!!

And you’re entitled to walk away and not listen.

This is awful behaviour from her - I understand she was kicked out of the house but you stayed with your younger sibling. She seems incapable of any empathy for her own child put in an awful situation. I think the only thing you can do is distance yourself from her - what she is doing is cruel.

Agreed.

Young children aren't suppose to "rescue" their parents. A generous description would be...She sounds difficult and self centred.

I'd be putting in boundaries and reducing contact.

I think she knows she failed you… that’s why she turning it around on you.

The truth is she didn’t protect you or your siblings from her relationship abuse. Its sad. You were only a child.

No good parent expects a child to take sides.

That particular incident was nothing to do with you and any actions you may have taken were irrelevant.

By bringing this up repeatedly your Mother is failing you.
Not my circus not my monkeys and walk away every time.
She won't like it but LC or NC might be a relief for you.

“Someone had to protect my younger sibling.”

But honestly? I’d get up and walk away or hang up every time she mentions it. She’s blaming a child for her failures as an adult.

Im sorry. You and your siblings deserved better. Both then and now.

As a child you are not responsible for the mess your parents made of their marriage. Any attempts they have made to draw you into their drama are abuse.

She’s taking her guilt out on you. She left you with an abuser. If she makes you accept responsibility, she’ll be able to sleep better.

This is awful of her. You were a child. I think both of your parents are abusers, your DF physically and you DM mentally. You need to go at least low contact and get counselling.

What do your DBs think?

Exactly. I think she probably feels some guilt over your father death, as well ( I am not saying she should). So she wants to recreate the past as a place where she was totally the victim, and that includes putting some spurious blame on you as the eldest child and only daughter for not ‘totally supporting ‘ her.

Does your younger brother get the same ‘blame’? Bet he doesn’t.

I would tend to sit her down and tell her as calmly as possible that you all have to leave the past behind you , and build a mutually supportive family in the present. If this isn’t possible , you will never break out of the cycle of guilt and anger.

BTW, it might not be a bad idea to lay off the alcohol during these meetings, it doesn’t contribute to restraint and harmony.

I would say 'I was a child I made the best decision I could whilst being raised by two terrible parents."

Or walk out every time

Or go nc

I'm sorry for what happened to you. I also grew up in an abusive environment, my parents never recognised it but they never blamed me either.

Deflecting her guilt for leaving you.

You did the right thing. If there is a next time then walk out if she starts talking about it.

You need to be a lot firmer.
That incident must have been so traumatic for you and she keeps reminding you.
She sounds so selfish.
I would not see her for a while and have a think.
She sounds absolutely awful.
Take a break and decide do you actually want someone so selfish in your life.

A parent blaming you for her own failings is a narcissistic behaviour. I have two of those parents. There is not much you can do with parents who can’t self reflect appropriately and proportion responsibility and blame unfairly and completely in their own favour. I’ve had no go NC with mine because it was very extreme but in your case I would definitely turn it back onto her and not pick up the weight she wants you to carry for her. No mum you failed me not the way you are trying to convince yourself it’s my fault. Every time.

Tell her it's your right not to be victim blamed, and she should discuss it with an appropriate person, ie a therapist, to help her deal with it.

This, she sounds an absolutely awful person who wants to be seen as the victim of things, but is likely the over dramatic instigator of things.

Break the ties - you're an adult now.

YANBU. You were a child in a horrible situation, your parents should have protected you not put you in the middle. Your mother is deeply unfair to keep raising it when you did nothing wrong. She is the parent, not you. I would shut it down every single time she tries to bring it up.

Tell her you are working on forgiving her for not protecting you from such an environment - when that is her actual role as an adult to do that