Any men on here ? Where do you learn this script ?

[motelhotel]

You get married and have children. Then someone at work shows an interest in you a few years down the line. Suddenly you are having a breakdown/depressed/midlife crisis you aren't happy with your relationship situation in fact you were never happy with it in the first place. I hear this time and time again. Where do you learn this shit ? Is it when the girls learn about periods a school? Did one of your gormless mates suggest it ?
I know I sound massively bitter but I am genuinely curious 🤨

Following as equally curious.

I think they just cast around for an excuse which doesn’t involve them taking responsibilty for their action and these are the most obvious. Like a pre schoolers who has been caught drawing on the walls.

I am a man. I do not know this script. I married my wife as I love her. Forsaking all others as long as ye both shall live. And that's what I intend to do.

Sure, I know a lot of men who haven't. I can't put my finger on why, but a common thread appears to me to be that they drift into relationships. I was very happy by myself, as was my wife, so when we got together, it was because we chose to. We weren't looking to move out of the parental home, or accidentally found ourselves pregnant or any of that. I think it helped that we were older too, both in our 40s.

I have largely surrounded myself with like minded people and have distanced myself from the ones like those you speak of. I find it abhorrent that men (and women, but admittedly mostly men) have so little staying power these days. We do appear to live in a throw away society in many respects, and I wonder if this has caused it? Relationships take compromise, but I must have struck gold as my relationship with my wife is expansive and has enabled both of us to do more than we ever could do before. It hasn't impeded us in any way. Life has thrown a few curve balls at us, but I would be completely lost without her.

It's not just men that use the script, plenty of women do it too. Basically it comes from a place of never having learned to take responsibility and feeling that you are entitled to do what you want with other parties feelings and emotions without their consent. People that do it are very emotionally immature and unable to self reflect so they rewrite history to make sure they aren't the bad person

I'm not sticking up for men at all , but I've known more women who use these same excuses and reasons for leaving their husbands than men in the last decade. One was married for over 20 years and had a few affairs , it was all her ex's fault. Of course nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors and I can see why people stray or are not happy , but I feel men and women tend to use the same ' scripts' and it's never them at fault. Without knowing the ins and outs of it all it's hard to say why they say all these things, but people will always put themselves in a 'good light ' to others. Human nature I guess ( or blame the other person )
I hope you're ok though op , I can imagine it's not easy.

Probably more men than women but I know one woman who’s used it on at least 3 men.

In females this happens commonly at menopause
I am a believer there is a 'male menopause' that has not been biologically defined yet.
We call it midlife crisis and it is far too common to be written off as the guy is a twat.

They teach it to us at patriarchy school. It comes just after the lesson on how to walk through a kitchen without seeing the dirty dishes, and right before the 175 relationship problems that can be explained by "I suppose you must be on your period then".

I've heard that from both men and women. It's often just self-serving rewriting of history to "justify" them being arseholes and treating other people like crap.

But I also suspect that in a fair few cases it's because that person has some intrinsic emotional issues that they would really benefit from tackling head-on and dealing with. But they don't want to or can't recognise the need to. So instead they try to find an external change that will magically solve their problems. It won't, of course, but it will distract away from the intrinsic issues for a while so it can be mistaken for progress.

There's definitely something in getting to your 40s/50s, taking stock of where you are and realising that you're likely past the half-way point in your life. I don't think I'd necessarily call it a crisis but around the time I turned 50 I definitely spent some time re-evaluating my life and what I wanted to achieve.

It's mentally easier to rewrite history then it is too accept the cognitive dissonance of not being who you thought you were.
You see it even in young children, if they can't have something then they didn't want it in the first place (even if they did) it's just a psychological defence mechanism.
It doesn't disappear when you become an adult, it's just how to be human.

If you want to make a difference, better to talk about the structural power imbalances in society that more often leave women carrying the can when things go wrong.

I'm not a man but was in a relationship with a narcissistic emotional abuser. I'm almost sure he did all those behaviours and others by instinct. I don't think he planned anything or even knew himself what he was doing, it just came naturally.

He thought he was an ok guy and whatever he did was normal.

There is a class at secondary school that all the boys take when the girls have their talk about periods and sex.

Shh, its a secret.

People change. Life experience changes us all. What we wanted when we were 20 is not what we want when we're 40. But I don't know why they can't just say that rather than pretend they were never happy in the relationship.

Sometimes it could be seen as whats expected eg settle down have a family etc then sometimes its like omg i wanted the freedom and missed doing x,y,z etc then try to rewrite or chart a different course

Ah… the old "script". Yes, you do sound bitter. The way you’ve framed your proposition is unhelpful and quite frankly doesn’t encourage genuine engagement. Good luck to you.

Agree with this. The Script was the title of a book, it describes certain human behaviour. I suspect most people who behave like this will never have heard of “The Script”

Being brutally honest I think part of the issue is that few relationships are really that durable.

I agree that the “script” is shit and spineless and dishonest whether it’s delivered by a man or a woman. But I don’t think men and women are designed to stay together for decades on end.

Most marriages have a shelf life. It’s great ij the early years. It’s tough when children arrive but you stick together to get the job done. Most of the time when you both emerge after 18 or so years you are very different people with different goals and needs. In very few instances do I think couples really bring out the best in one another over the course of a lifetime.

I would prefer to move to a model in which people stayed together for the duration of the “heavy lifting” period of raising children and were then enabled to go their separate ways with an equitable distribution of wealth and with one another’s blessing.

Then there would not be a need for the sneaking around and cheating.

Marriage is too blunt an instrument for most people.

This.
Like little children who don't want to get told off, they lie about having done something naughty, and when found out, they look for excuses or someone to blame.
I have been on the receiving end of this and have also done it to a previous partner - I nearly had a breakdown because of the cognitive dissonance. I'm not a bad person, but I did a bad thing, really hurt someone who didnt deserve it, and couldn't live with myself.
It seems easier to lie and avoid the oncoming shitstorm.

Bit silly to generalise - I know women who do it more, is there a special script for them too op?

I'm on a different script clearly, I missed the getting married and having kids bit but still fancy a midlife crisis. Will probably just get a tattoo 😎

I think the OP is asking why men suddenly turn round and say they were NEVER happy rather than saying they've grown apart, wanting different things now they are older etc. Most women say they've had enough rather than tell their OH that they were never right for them. That's the difference. It's about owning the decision.

@OneTC that's a symptom of mlc.

Man here. My ex wife used the script, and it was her affair (not the first) that led to us getting divorced.

asking in the way you have in such a pejorative way is unlikely to make anyone, man or woman, feel like talking about it

They don't learn it.

They all think they are entirely original coming up with the bullshit they ALL come up with.

And they think they and their new girlfriend / supply are the first to ever feel twoo wuv.

And nothing and nobody must stand in the way of their cock twoo wuv destiny.