Any men on here ? Where do you learn this script ?

[motelhotel]

You get married and have children. Then someone at work shows an interest in you a few years down the line. Suddenly you are having a breakdown/depressed/midlife crisis you aren't happy with your relationship situation in fact you were never happy with it in the first place. I hear this time and time again. Where do you learn this shit ? Is it when the girls learn about periods a school? Did one of your gormless mates suggest it ?
I know I sound massively bitter but I am genuinely curious 🤨

It was between that and a pierced ear and I've already got a pierced ear.

Men and women do this, but don't encourage the creepy MN men to come out of the woodwork.

Ah, yes. Those nasty, rascally "creepy…men" just lurking in the woodwork.

Maybe it's true. Maybe they weren't always happy. Maybe they never fully loved you. Maybe you were a pain in the ass. Maybe it's bullshit and they just need to protect their fragile ego. Maybe none of it really matters now that you're apart. Take away the lessons that life gave you in the relationship and move on. Don't engage with the script.

Yes, those ones.

^ I believe this too. I know a few men who've either had quite big physical changes in their 40-50s, e.g. medically low testosterone requiring treatment, and/or who've had a significant mental health crisis at a similar age. Equally I've known women who've 'walked out' and have not been judged in the same way.

I think women are judged too , but maybe a lot differently? People kind of expect men to stray more than women. If a woman leaves or has an affair they are generally given more sympathy I think ? Only my experience though as I've known more women to have affairs than men from people I've worked with or know about.

The thing is, even if he never loved her and was never happy then he's still the asshole for marrying and having kids and wasting years of her life. I don't get why they think that's ok and why no one calls them out on it.

They act like their partners put a gun to their heads and held them hostage.

Before anyone comes for me, yes I know women do it to. Just change the pronouns to suit yourself.

@DagenhamDanny anti men agenda?

More codswallop.

The op asked about men. Specifically men. Have reread.

Also this is Mumsnet.

And who said it doesn't work both ways? I don't recall posting that ever.

Some real halfwits on MN these days.

Man here... although the 'from the woodwork comment' implies despite asking for 'our' opinion, it's not actually wanted...

I think both sexes can have that midlife crisis, but I think for very different reasons.

If we're going strictly by the media propaganda (not my opinion, I'm stressing that!), women will do it because they're looking at their husband at 40, and wonder 'why'. He was the romantic, safe option. He's now a bit more settled, perhaps not pulling his weight, not buying flowers as much, maybe leaving the childcare to her, not spoiling her out on dates, etc. She's remembering all those men who were giving them attention in their 20s... all those now in the friend zone... She misses that excitement, that freedom, all that attention. She remembers how she could go to a bar (or online) and get hit on constantly. She's now getting flirted with by 'Chad' at work, and is thinking, why am I settling, I've still got it!'. She now cheats on her husband/leaves him, but now Chad is not interested because he was only after one thing (and a single mum usually isn't that thing).

For men, the propaganda is different. With men the narrative spouted online is that they typically meet someone, and settle down. Have kids together. Wife gets distant, preoccupied, bossy/stressed due to change in priorities. Chances are she's now 'settled', maybe has put on weight from having babies, has no desire to lose it (and probably complains constantly about how she's unattractive). Sex declines because of babies, time, hormones, etc. The incel community will then elaborate further and say she's also very hard to live with. Feminism these days isn't 'man provides, woman maintains', it's despite wanting to be paid for on dates, big ring, dinners, etc, woman wants to be equal. This means she wants to be a boss babe, rather than doting housewife. As a result, she is also argumentative, controlling, assertive... all qualities typically associated with dominant men, and very difficult to live with for men.

That's the 'script' that appears to be pushed online these days. The majority of MN posts seem to say that women just want support, and that women are leaving men because men are getting lazy and leave all the housework and childcare to the women... whereas the parallel sites for men will say men simply want attraction, sex and 'peace and quiet', and this is what men end up losing over time.

Then as OP alluded to... suddenly that 'Diet Coke' contractor guy comes into the office, makes her feel sexy again... or that curvaceous secretary, who actually has time for him... I'd imagine that "I've still got it" feeling in your 40s (say) is actually quite seductive for both!

It's interesting that the script is used so often without any knowledge of the script. Does that mean that there's something more intrinsic here?
It seems to be more easily utilised because of how society is set up these days. People have forgotten that marriage requires work on both sides and if they feel unhappy, they know they're free to walk away and meet someone else.
Thank goodness that we're not forced to stay in relationships that we're unhappy in but some people are too selfish and too self centred to even consider their partners feelings. They believe their partner is there to service them. Mostly men, in my experience.

We didn't all make excuses for making a mistake.
Some of us admitted that we fancied the woman at work/in the shop/down the road and she responded.
So we carried on and caused a total uproar in 2 families. Then we got on with the repairs and I didn't do it again.
God forgives, I do understand about repentance. Mumsnet is tougher.

It’s just immaturity selfishness and human psychology.

I suspect that like most cliches, The Script is often true, in a banal way. People in marriages can often feel bored, stultified, unimportant, under-appreciated, as if living a lesser life, sometimes without really being fully aware of it. Someone else making a play for them can wake them up and they look back and say 'god, it's been a bit shit for a long while, hasn't it?'

In my experience if either party strays its because they weren't happy in the first place (unless they're some serial cheater of course)

External locus of control.

Our society teaches men to rely on women to manage them and their emotions. Naughty boy in school? Sit him between two good girls.

Can’t sit still? Make excuses because he’s a boy and boys develop later (the answer to this is to teach differently and design learning differently so boys and other restless kids can manage it).

By the time they are into romantic relationships they think their ‘needs’ should be met by women. They leave women who expect too much from them.

They finally commit and come second to the needs of their DC instead of actively parenting so the mum has capacity to think of herself and him.

They drift into new relationships and think it’s because the last relationship happened to them without their input.

"Or perhaps you are in fact one of those men that I described and I have hit a nerve. Note I said perhaps. So it's not a conclusion."

Have you actually read my original post? If so, to quote yourself, did you study reading comprehension at school?

Obviously, self-awareness isn't your strong point. Dearie.

My ex husband did this.

We were building our own house, 2 little boys, both working fulltime. He was hopeless in the house, had no relationship with his kids. I was struggling with it all but his female friend at work was there for him.

We've been divorced 16 years.

@DagenhamDanny so two of your exes cheated on you. And?

I never said women don't cheat. And I never said all men cheat.

So pray, how does explaining the behaviour of those men who do cheat - as per the op's specific request - make me anti all men? Would love to know.

I responded to the op's post. About cheating men. Not all men. Cheating men.

Not about your and your unfortunate experience with women. Sorry the posts on MN don't revolve around you. This thread is about cheating men.

Hard work explaining basic stuff.

Try not to jump to conclusions about other papers and what you think they mean.

I am not anti men at all. I just despise those idiots who think those that they cheat on are stupid and believe their hogwash. All idiots male and female before you launch into yet another unfounded accusation.

But the op asked about men. Do you understand?