20 year old taking drugs

[Mollylegs]

Hi, please don't shoot me for putting on AIBU but I have a time sensitive issue. This is a long one but I thought a back story would help. 3 weeks ago after my son had been here with friends having a drink in the room my ex built on the side of the house, I've been quite happy to let them go in there,pool table, dart board and a couch, my son is 20 years old and I don't mind them being in there as they have never ever been any bother. My son was always quite a lonely lad who spent most of his time in his room on his computer or with me and his dad. A nice kid though, his dad left 2 years ago and he had a shit time and he was really angry which I took the brunt of. He then got chatting to a few lads he had been in middle school with now and over the last year he has really started enjoying his life, going out and basically doing what he should be doing. So 3 weeks ago I found a white little packet on the floor, drugs and I was in complete shock, I never thought in a million years he would do that. My sister had a year in rehab for being addicted to cocaine and her daughter moved in with us, he saw the pain first hand it caused. So I asked him when he woke up what was he thinking, he informed me it was ket and not cocaine. I was in tears telling him how he is my whole world and if anything happened to him I would just die, he was in floods of tears and promised me it was the second time he had done it but he would never, ever do it again he was genuinely upset. So he went out last night and had his friends back and he fell asleep on the couch, his jacket was soaked through so I emptied his pockets and found another bag of this white powder. I'm devastated and really don't know what to do, he's still in bed but is getting up at 5pm to meet friends again. Could anyone help me with what I should say to him, I don't know how to handle this and I don't him not to feel he's not able to talk to me if I handle this the wrong way. We have always been close and his dad leaving really up ended his life, we have been there for each other throughout this and I feel I must have done something wrong, let him down for him to be doing this. I'm scared he will end up like my sister. I'm sorry this has been so long but I wanted to get the whole picture across. If you have got this far then thank you, I just need to know what to say to him when he wakes up.

I think you’re projecting a huge amount onto your ds and if you carry on being so OTT he’s only going to shut down and be secretive.

Its very normal for young adults to experiment and whilst you really don’t want them doing it, there’s not a great deal you can do to stop it.

Im also surprised you were going through his coat or even dealing with it. To me that’s smothering him and invading his privacy. It’s also not your job to do stuff like that at his age!

Id probably say to him I found it, ask him not to lie to me, let him now I don’t agree with it, but understand why he’s experimenting and keep the channels of communication open that you’re there for him no matter what.

Id also be working hard to have time together bonding, doing things he enjoys, especially anything health and fitness related as that doesn’t mix with drug taking and makes people love themselves so ideally don’t want to trash their body.

I would lose my shit at him. For one thing, he has absolutely no idea what is in that bag. He may think it's ket, he may well have been told its ket, but the truth of the matter is, it is almost certainly cut with other substances, none of which are particularly pleasant. Some of the cutting agents are themselves extremely potent drugs, and noone can predict the effects of these substances when mixed at random.

You asked him to stop, he said he would, then he brought drugs into your house again. He lies and he does drugs. If he was my kid, he'd be looking for somewhere else to live.

Hi, sorry not meant to be being OTT, just scared for him. I only shoved his coat int he drier as it was lying on the floor soaking and I knew he wouldn't be out of bed for hours. Thanks for replying @MiddleagedBeachbum

Hi @PonyPatter44 I'm just hoping it's not something that is ongoing. if I lose my temper I worry he will just close up straight away. I will be speaking to him about it and about it being mixed with other stuff. thanks fro replying.

I understand where you are coming from. No one wants to think of their kids doing drugs and the fact it's Ket is alarming. However, I don't think there's much you can do. At 20 he's old enough (maybe not wise enough) to make his own decisions.

I admit my first reaction would be to lose my shit but that will only make him more secretive or worse. and I agree with PonyPatter44 he doesn't know what's in the bag for sure and you did warn him about bringing drugs into your house. He's also aware of the toll drugs take and how they can split families - try talking to him again and see what he says. Print some stuff out if need be, but just let him know you are there and that you love him but that you won't tolerate it and he needs to wise up.

I don't know what to say really but communication is key, not kicking him out.
Lots of teenagers experiment, he knows you know, so I would keep him talking.

You sound like a great mum, don't blame yourself for this, there are lots of young people taking drugs and their parents are unaware.

Regular Ket use can cause serious bladder problems and incontinence. I think I’d be more worried about how often he’s taking it, rather than the fact he is taking drugs.

I think it can be normal to experiment with drugs around this age and I don’t think you should lose your shit at him, but Ket can have some bad side effects if used often enough.

Just tell him how worried you are after your sister and you just want to be sure he’s safe and he can control it.

I would throw away any that I find in the house. I wouldn't have it in my home. Talk to him. Tell him how worried you are and you don't want him getting addicted. Just be there and keep the communication going. Going mad at him won't help. It is very worrying.

You aren't being OTT. Christ, it's not a cigarette he's smoking. It's Ket. I'm amazed how easily people can trivialise this. It's like how recently there was a poster who said most kids do this. They really don't. Yes some do, but normalising this is not the way to go.

I don't have much advice as I've not faced this but I think talking to him is a must. And I'm sorry about your sister. No wonder you are worried

Ok so I think being devastated is an over reaction because many people experiment and move on with their lives but I understand being concerned.
And your lad isn't going to stop taking ket because you want him to. Having a go at him etc is only 1. More likely to hide it from you and hide any problems from you, and doing stuff like kicking him out over the odd party gram could cause distress that leads to addiction. Better to be open and understanding. Plenty of young people experiment with drugs and it doesn't cause a long term problem.

So basically you want to consider harm reduction. If you don't feel comfortable talking to him about this you could print out information and leave it lying around for him.

So basically he needs to remember that Ketamine is an anesthetic dissociative. So it's a bad idea to take it in places he wouldn't be safe if he fell into an anaesthetised state where he couldn't move because this does happen quite frequently. It's called a "k-hole" in slang terns. So not the bath or a pool or a hot tub. Not randomly walking around the street (believe me he doesn't want that happen its an awful experience)

He needs to understand not to share tube to snort it with.

He also needs to understand that it is very psychologically addictive. Letting yourself do it in the day etc will lead to addiction. If he's going to take it it needs to be strictly on occasion and he needs to not let it become week day or in the daytime thing. That is really important.

He also needs that it can damage the bladder, especially if it's being consumed in shards and not as a fine powder. I don't think Mums net would let me talk openly about how you make it powder not shards but it needs preparing. The shards will scar the bladder quicker. Bladder damage is only likely with repetitive long term use especially if unprepared, like years long if heavy use but it is serious and there are many accounts of people having to have full bladder removal due to heavy use.

For transparency I am a recovered Ketamine addict with long term bladder damage. At my most I was consuming 2 grams every day for years. I know alot of people who have had serious addictions to this drug, but I also know a considerable amount of people who have just done it as a party drug occasionally and been fine and never got addicted. It's not physically addictive but it is very psychologically addictive.

I don't want my kids to get into the drug culture that I got into. However if I found any of my kids with Ketamine this is the advice I would give them because telling them not to won't make a shred of difference but harm reduction could save their lives, reduce the chance of addiction and reduce the chance of long term harn

Harm reduction can make a massive massive difference. I am happy to answer questions about this or my experience if you would find it helpful.

Thank you @Whoowhoopitstbesoundofthedapolice I didn't mean to not reply, my am and dad turned up unexpectedly. I know I need to speak to him about what is actually in the bag, I just haven't been able to. I just hope he understands the health troubles it could cause him in the long run.

Hi @yorktown thanks for such a kind post, he's always known he can speak to me whenever he wants but I suppose he wasn't going to open up about this. Thank you.

Hi @AdviceNeeded2024 I have spent my time googling it in between people visiting, I suppose I have been naive not to have thought about it possibly happening but I didn't believe it would. I will spend time tomorrow explaining all the stuff it can do and hope it gives him a jolt, thank you for taking time to reply.

Hello @ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot I threw it out straight away, I was horrified after the awful time I had with my sister. I'm worried for sure, I will just talk to him and keep as calm as I can.

In my day (I'm so old!) ket was like a comedown drug mostly for when you're gathered in someone's house slumped on the sofa

It depends on his friends I guess but it's unlikely ket is the only drug he's taking. But I'm aware things have changed with what's fashionable & easy to get hold of

It is addictive in a way he should be aware of and PP has good advice.

Hi @Ella31 thanks for commenting, I went through a really rubbish time with my sister but the effect it had on her 13 year old daughter was the worst. Thats one of the reasons I'm finding it surprising as my boy saw all of this unfold. I wish his dad was still here as he may have had some more control over him. Thank you.

Hello @Universalsnail if you don't mind I might message you tomorrow, thank you for your frank and informative information.

I have a son who's 16 who has used ket once that he's admitted to but I suspect more. I'm following this with interest. It's pretty terrifying. Losing your shit with them doesn't help. Just try and keep communication open and talk to him about why he does it.

Thanks for your post @Universalsnail It's really helpful.

Hi @SuncreamAndIceCream oh god that would make sense as slumping on the sofa is what they do, I'm now rather nervous incase he is taking any other drugs, I guess I will have to ask him and see if he is open with me. Thank you.

Hello @highdaysandholudays yes, I haven't lost the plot with him(yet!!) it is really terrifying and all I can do is try talking to him calmly and listen to exactly what he's saying. I hope you get some more help too.

Is he working? Does he pay towards his keep?

Thanks @Mollylegs I've spoken to talk to frank and got some advice from a local service who my son is engaging with. They've been really supportive. There are no easy answers here. My brother is a recovered addict and has done every drug you can think of. So I can understand your fears. My brother has been really supportive as his recovery has been stable for years and he's turned his life around. My ex did lose his shit at him. It's understandable but not helpful.

Hi @cupcaske123 he's not working atthe moment but gives me money out of his UC every month.

Is he buying it to be ‘cool’ and ‘in’ with the crowd?

Youve found two bags with the drugs still in at the end of the night, Maybe he isnt actually taking them? Or much of them?