20 year old taking drugs

[Mollylegs]

Hi, please don't shoot me for putting on AIBU but I have a time sensitive issue. This is a long one but I thought a back story would help. 3 weeks ago after my son had been here with friends having a drink in the room my ex built on the side of the house, I've been quite happy to let them go in there,pool table, dart board and a couch, my son is 20 years old and I don't mind them being in there as they have never ever been any bother. My son was always quite a lonely lad who spent most of his time in his room on his computer or with me and his dad. A nice kid though, his dad left 2 years ago and he had a shit time and he was really angry which I took the brunt of. He then got chatting to a few lads he had been in middle school with now and over the last year he has really started enjoying his life, going out and basically doing what he should be doing. So 3 weeks ago I found a white little packet on the floor, drugs and I was in complete shock, I never thought in a million years he would do that. My sister had a year in rehab for being addicted to cocaine and her daughter moved in with us, he saw the pain first hand it caused. So I asked him when he woke up what was he thinking, he informed me it was ket and not cocaine. I was in tears telling him how he is my whole world and if anything happened to him I would just die, he was in floods of tears and promised me it was the second time he had done it but he would never, ever do it again he was genuinely upset. So he went out last night and had his friends back and he fell asleep on the couch, his jacket was soaked through so I emptied his pockets and found another bag of this white powder. I'm devastated and really don't know what to do, he's still in bed but is getting up at 5pm to meet friends again. Could anyone help me with what I should say to him, I don't know how to handle this and I don't him not to feel he's not able to talk to me if I handle this the wrong way. We have always been close and his dad leaving really up ended his life, we have been there for each other throughout this and I feel I must have done something wrong, let him down for him to be doing this. I'm scared he will end up like my sister. I'm sorry this has been so long but I wanted to get the whole picture across. If you have got this far then thank you, I just need to know what to say to him when he wakes up.

I would say that I found what looks to be drugs and that if he thinks he can keep them in my house he can think again. Then I would say I was young once if you can imagine that and so i know what it's like being your age. If you do drugs it's a slippery slope but I'm not going to preach. Don't let me see them here, don't let me get a whiff of you looking like you're in it, and I'm not going to tell you again.

now after all that - despite what I said I will be here if you need me.

ruffle hair

want some breakfast?

Thanks @OrdinaryMatilda I am dead aginst drugs but I don't quite know what to do, I suppose its different when its your own child.

My mum had a lot of support from “talk to frank”. I will say after years of vile behaviour, completely flunking uni and walking around with blood coming out of his nose etc my brother is now 40, married with two little girls and a great job. It all came good in the end x

Would a visit to a psychologist help? someone not emotionally involved with him to discuss why he feels the need to explore this, and help with self acceptance and understand what strategies he can learn when faced with peer pressure, personal vulnerability, low self esteem or whatever?

hi @Tangerinenets crikey that sounds bad. I will be looking for ralk to Frank today thanks.

Hi @FuckThePoPo I like your attitude, I will take that on board when I talk to him.

Hi @Lyracappul I'm not sure I could afford one and I'm not sure they would be available on the NHS, thanks.

Yes, I can see that. I find this whole issue truly depressing - that folks encourage/badger others into doing it. It’s bloody awful.

I understand the anxiety about threatening to evict him - perhaps I’m on the very strict side. I just will not have this crap in my house and if an adult cannot respect that they need to leave. I would have had no issue kicking someone out eg a party guest of DH’s if they were doing drugs in my house.

Hello @Maray1967 I get some of what your saying, if I saw one of his friends using rugs they would be turfed out, but I won't kick my son out because of this. What if he reacted badly and ended up hooked on stuff because he was basically homeless with no one to give a shit about him when I can try to help the situation.

I won’t have drugs in the house. It’s a boundary. I can’t control if they take drugs outside. And I e will give support and get all the help they need. A teenager was having spice vapes and is getting all the support. But now we have got them through their exams (and that process has really taken its toll on our relationship, our family and impacted our work as we could not do work trips which would involve one of us not being home when they got home from school) if we find that or drugs in our family home again, they will have to leave.

I may be a hypocrite having been a young person back in the day and taking ecstasy on a fairly regular basis (and ketamine once) .
although actually I never had drugs on me in my own family house. I think it shows a level of disrespect.

But do you think he would leave rather than stop the drugs? I’m pretty certain both of mine would jack in the drugs rather than lose their home. I got tough with the eldest when he mentioned maybe getting a tattoo when on holiday in Spain. I knew he might go along with a mad mate and do it - and would probably regret it later - as indeed I now know the mate does. He was told that if he came back with a tattoo he could fund himself through university. Some people call that controlling, but I call it saving an 18 year old from doing something he will probably regret. He can always get a tattoo when he’s older and have it done in a safe place.

Would yours really not understand how drugs are a red line for you in your home?

All the advice about eviction is really bad advice. At the minute what you are describing is not addict behaviour. It is a young adult experimenting with party drugs. Not every person that takes these drugs becomes addicted. They are not physically addictive like heroin etc.

Ketamine is addictive because it's short acting so you can have a line in the day and be fine in a hours time to do normal life stuff. So it offered a false sense of security if how much you can get on with life. It also is a disosiative and dumbs down life, eventually normal life not dumbed down becomes too hard to deal with and you think you are happier and less bothered by the world on k and then its habit forming. Trauma is a big factor in addiction.

Personally I got addicted because of a trauma history, unsupportive family life that led me leaving home young (and therefore I could just sit and take it in the day with out any parent to answer to or question why I was acting funny) and because the dissociative quality really helps my autistic sensory overwhelm and so it was a recipe for addiction tbh.

Kicking him out would be adding rejection and trauma to the situation. You would be increasing the likelihood he starts taking it more to deal with those feelings. At the minute he is taking this drugs in a safe environment (from the sounds of things) with some friends and occasion and is not exhibiting any addict behaviours. An approach that listens to him, advises he follow harm reduction things and stays aware of the risk of addiction would be a far better approach then adding distress and pain into the situation and then him going off to live alone with noone to answer to. Believe me.

Honestly the amount of people I met when in active addiction who had family trauma caused by parents kicking them out because they discovered an ecstasy tablet or something. If he is displaying addict behaviour that is hurting others and you couldn't trust him in your home / he's not contributing etc then that would be different, but there is no evidence of addiction here currently from what you have said. For every person I know to become addicted to Ketamine I can tell you about someone else who just did it sometimes at parties and never got addicted. This situation doesn't have to be a path to addiction, but closing him being honest with you about it and adding rejection and being kicked out of your parents home to the situation would definitely increase the possibility of addiction especially considering at the minute he's not got a job so he doesn't have that to focus on or be sober in the day for.

It is very naive to think a parental telling off and a threat to be evicted would stop teens and young adults taking party drugs when their friends all do them. Sorry. They'll just hide it more.

I am so tired with people trying to be 'cool' and trivialise drug use.

Ketamine is used by vets as an anaesthetic by vets. Does anyone think it is a good idea to use it as a recreational drug? it is just idiotic...

Also I doubt very much that people start by using Ketamine when first experimenting with drugs. It is more likely, OP, that he has used over things as well so it could be a sign of escalation and that his friends group is the 'heavy partying' type..

So be firm and make it clear to him that this is not acceptable behaviour and that you would like him to speak to someone. There are lot of charities that offer non-judgemental advice to young people and it is often better to chat with someone independent rather than a family member.

That does not mean screaming/shouting at him or losing your temper but you still need to be the parent in this scenario.

If he is not working, where does the money come from? If he is living with you, he is bringing drugs into your house and again that is not acceptable.

You need to talk to him with a genuine intention of understanding WHY he’s taking drugs and help him explore alternatives.

if he’s doing it to fit in with his new crowd well some super easy strategies there to let his mates think hes using too.

if it’s a confidence thing, well it might be a longer road but plenty of alternative strategies.

people take drugs because they are lacking something and it’s an easy fix to that gap (believe me I struggled for most of my teens and early twenties with addiction masked as “party drugs”)

read Gabor mate work. Realm of hungry ghosts and how to keep your kids close.

of your sister is in a good place now she might be a helpful person for him to talk to.

Hi @Universalsnail I was wondering if you got my direct message that I sent you, I apologize if you hadn't wanted me to message you in that way. I was hoping for some more advice, thanks in advance.

Dismayed at the "kids will experiment" type comments but not at all surprised given the state everything is in at the moment.

Drugs are the ultimate deal-breaker. They will destroy your relationship bit by bit, there is no happy ending. Ket FFS.

If it was my ds he'd be reported to police for bringing drugs into my house the first time, and if that didn't work, he'd be out in the street the second time. They've been raised to respect themselves and me - over 18 if they make stupid decisions having been raised decently, it's entirely on them and they can clean up the mess themselves.

Hopefully he'll get himself arrested for possession and have the wake up call he needs after a night in the cells.

Enough of this bleeding heart bs, it's his life and your sanity he's fucking around with.