20 year old taking drugs

[Mollylegs]

Hi, please don't shoot me for putting on AIBU but I have a time sensitive issue. This is a long one but I thought a back story would help. 3 weeks ago after my son had been here with friends having a drink in the room my ex built on the side of the house, I've been quite happy to let them go in there,pool table, dart board and a couch, my son is 20 years old and I don't mind them being in there as they have never ever been any bother. My son was always quite a lonely lad who spent most of his time in his room on his computer or with me and his dad. A nice kid though, his dad left 2 years ago and he had a shit time and he was really angry which I took the brunt of. He then got chatting to a few lads he had been in middle school with now and over the last year he has really started enjoying his life, going out and basically doing what he should be doing. So 3 weeks ago I found a white little packet on the floor, drugs and I was in complete shock, I never thought in a million years he would do that. My sister had a year in rehab for being addicted to cocaine and her daughter moved in with us, he saw the pain first hand it caused. So I asked him when he woke up what was he thinking, he informed me it was ket and not cocaine. I was in tears telling him how he is my whole world and if anything happened to him I would just die, he was in floods of tears and promised me it was the second time he had done it but he would never, ever do it again he was genuinely upset. So he went out last night and had his friends back and he fell asleep on the couch, his jacket was soaked through so I emptied his pockets and found another bag of this white powder. I'm devastated and really don't know what to do, he's still in bed but is getting up at 5pm to meet friends again. Could anyone help me with what I should say to him, I don't know how to handle this and I don't him not to feel he's not able to talk to me if I handle this the wrong way. We have always been close and his dad leaving really up ended his life, we have been there for each other throughout this and I feel I must have done something wrong, let him down for him to be doing this. I'm scared he will end up like my sister. I'm sorry this has been so long but I wanted to get the whole picture across. If you have got this far then thank you, I just need to know what to say to him when he wakes up.

Hi @highdaysandholudays I will be looking up frank tomorrow, I'm kind of nervous to talk to my sister about it just in case it sets her off again. I'm not going to go mad at him as I need him to know i'm always here for him to come to. Now i'm going to try and sleep as my stomach is churning and my head is banging, if only the dog would stop farting, its so bad even the cat has climbed off the bed in disgust!! thanks for understanding.

Hi, I just wanted to say thank you for all your messages. I'm absolutely shattered so i'm going to try and get some sleep, I hope I didn't miss anyone who was kind enough to take time to respond to my post. I'm just a worried mam so thanks again.

That's fine yeah I don't mind 🙂

Have a chat with him about the long term effects of taking Ket. It destroys the bladder. Late teens and early 20’s are having to have a new bladder made from their bowel due to the damage they have caused by using Ketamine.

1mg is enough to knock out a horse. People using regularly take 12mg a day.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-bristol-68826392.amp

Hi @Banana34 omg!! thats bloody nuts,I am deffo goingto speak to him about it tomorrow, thank you.

What tripe.OTT?

You’re absolutely not being OTT. My mum took the laid back approach with my brother. It was not the best course of action.

Everybody that I know that has damage from "Ketamine bladder syndrome" (which is unfortunately quite a few people) are daily high quantity users who have long term addictions. It is a potentially serious consequence of Ketamine addiction and pretty inevitable in high amount long term daily use but I just want to stress that if he is taking it on the odd occasion with friends as it currently seems he isn't likely to be causing much harm to his bladder ATM. The fact you found some in his pocket says to me he's not addicted. No way would I have been leaving my k in my pocket like that when I was addicted.

Just wanted to reassure you that from what you have said here, whilst there is an addiction and long term harm risk factor, it doesn't seem like your son is currently causing all the scary things you are reading about in this thread and it can stay that way if he understands the risks and is sensible about the choices he makes even if he decides to experiment in the way he is. Just wanted to say this incase the things said in this thread are spiraling you with worry.

I went through similar with my DS when he was around 16.

My view is that your best course of action is to be very matter-of-fact about it. I made it clear that I did not agree with it, and why, and that if I found anything in the house it would be flushed down the loo immediately. Which I did do.

But being pragmatic, they do experiment and whilst it might not be something you approve of, it's not that uncommon. What you absolutely do not want to happen is for him to be scared to tell you if he thought there was a problem.

The tricky bit is whether to ban them from your house. Whilst you don't want it happening under your roof, at least you can keep an eye on them. If you say they can't hang out at yours, they may end up doing it somewhere more risky.

💐 Don't despair, lots of us have been there with our kids, and there will be many more to come.

Hi @PoopedAndScooped that would be nice but he has said he has done it but your right as in both times the bags still have stuff in, maybe he is trying to fit in, not something he's really done before.

Thanks @Tangerinenets after reading that I was self doubting myself. He's my world and it has scared the crap out of me, thanks for your comment.

Oh god thank you @Universalsnail that is kind of you to stress that point. My hope is that the going out drinking and just letting his hair down is all quite new and shiny and will wear off soon. A friend I spoke to yesterday whos son is 24 went through this but now has a job with immigration and they get drug tested. My son was hoping he may get a job at the same place so maybe that will help too.

Hi @Createausername1970 my first thought was to say that no one was coming back again but I think that is maybe a bit extreme. They were originally going to the beach and that now terrifies me with what I now know about it. I would rather have them here, I think god forbid him and his friends would come to me if there was a problem. It's bloody hard work 'trying' to parent, especially on my own.

Why doesn’t he work?

Same here. My two both know this is a red line in our house. Time to get tough. No tears or anything - just straight forward, firm talking. State the risks he is taking to himself - but make it clear he will be evicted if it ever happens again.

Yes, point that out. He is risking a load of things that he don’t even have considered. This needs to stop right now. The friends may need to be ditched if he can’t avoid going along with their drug taking.

Part of my objection is a moral one about the exploitation involved in drugs. This is why it is on a whole different level to alcohol. Some folks claim that it’s pretty much the same and a strict parental stance on drugs is hypocritical - not in my view. There’s a world of difference and I’m very relieved and,yes, fortunate that both of mine have steered well clear of drugs. But my eldest (24) has seen cases where a bit of experimenting has gone very badly wrong. This crap destroys lives and he needs to get it out of his life now. The worrying thing is the ‘trying to fit it’ issue - he needs to consider what he’s doing and whether he wants to really be around these people. A young person I know was excited about going to a festival but dropped out when several mates started talking about the drugs they were going to try and no one else objected. Good for her. Your son may well need to find new friends.

He was a loner and now has friends who maybe he wants to fit in with, part of that process will involve drugs, you know the damage and pain it causes but he's not your sister. He knows you've found it, maybe go into a local drop in center and get some info on kett and the damage it can cause, look he's young he's just started socialising so is a bit behind, talk to him like an adult remind him what happened with your sister, allow him to talk, its usually a phase, like alcohol he's found something that makes him feel part of relaxed, talk good luck if it's the first time he's bought crap to your door you've done a good job. Good luck

Hi he did have a job that ended, hopefully he will have another soon @IfIHadAHeart

Hi @Maray1967 I will give him a good talking to and point out the risks but I wouldn't throw him out on the street because of it.

@Maray1967 I also agree to a certain extent about the friends but it may just happen if he moves on to another friend group.

Actually, it's possibly easier to parent something like this on your own than two parents having opposing views.

My DH was at the other end of the scale - kick him out. So I was in the position of trying to parent DS and also reason with my DH. Half the tears I cried were because of the way DH was reacting, not what DS was doing.

Through a fluke, an opportunity for DH to attend a Parenting Your Teen course run by Adoption UK, I think, and this really helped him to see things from a different perspective and the strategies were exactly what I had been saying.

I have a lovely letter that DS wrote to me just after he turned 21, to say how sorry he is for what he put us through and he is so grateful that we stuck by him despite everything he was doing, and if we hadn't he would probably be dead by now and that he loves us for loving him. It made me cry (again) when he gave it to me.

Everyone has their boundaries, and perhaps this is yours, especially after seeing your sister go through rehab, and having to caretake for your niece.

Drugs are a hard no for me, no matter who it was or how much I loved them. If I were in your position, I wouldn't go nuts at him, as I'm not sure that would achieve anything. I would explain whilst it's his body, his choice, I don't agree with it, nor tolerate it, and I'm not having it in my house.

As an adult, he would need to leave, but the door would be open. Knowing all he does, he's made that choice to do drugs anyway, so he can do them under his own roof.

Morning @Pashmina67 thank you for your kind comment. He is behind others at his age and I'm hoping it is a phase. I will talk to him calmly and let him know he can talk to me about anything. Sorry to sound stupid but will there be groups I can attend all over the country or is this not a countrywide service. I suppose the more I know the better it will be. I don't quite know how to react, some people say the best is to remain calm and others are saying to turf him out if he does it again. Despite this he is a really good kid and now its just me and him we do have a good relationship and I am genuinely gutted and shocked in equal amounts, thanks again for commenting.

Hi @Createausername1970 I suppose his dad wouldn't give a crap anyway. We would have been like you I guess. How lovely of your son to write such a lovely and frank letter to you. I think i'm going to have to look for some outsie support for an idea of the best way to treat it, thank you.