It sounds like you have good interpersonal skills, are very self reflective and able to see exactly how your difficulties reflect on others, but everybody is different and what is obvious to you may not be obvious to others. Not everybody is able to recognise the difficulties they have, I didn’t recognise some of my difficult traits until after my diagnosis, for example things like talking over people and interrupting I didn’t even realise I did. I have only realised post-diagnosis because I started to look into adhd more and reflect on my behaviour more, I wasn’t in a position to really self reflect at the points where my mental health was lowest let alone come up with strategies. Autism can make it harder to view your behaviour objectively or recognise how it effects others. I think different people will relate to difficulties different, your reaction to a fear of failure has been to push yourself more and try harder and find a way to overcome the difficulty. Mine is usually to shy away from things, to give up before I’ve started and to avoid anything difficult or that puts me out of my comfort zone. I was ridiculed and made to feel bad as a child for failure, always compare to my high achieving siblings, constantly put down, parents reacted to my meltdowns with physical violence, threats to put me in care and physically leaving me home alone when in crisis and saying they were done and were leaving me for good. My impulsiveness has lead to me being in some awful situations including being raped. It left me scared of the world. People are more complex than just their diagnosis and early experiences can shape the way that we react or deal with adversity. Obviously I can try and overcome the fact that my natural instincts when something is hard and that when I’m scared of failure or a new situation is to hide from it but it’s a lot of effort.
You also have motivation in your family. I’m single, childless and I live alone. It sounds like you have a good support network and are close to your family, my relationship with my family is difficult and so they’re not really a motivation.
It also sounds like you are lucky that you have been able to put in place strategies that work for you, I cannot explain how many times I have tried to keep a diary, a schedule, a calendar etc but I invariably lose them, or forget to write something in, or find it hard to stick to when the novelty wears off. A strategy which is very effective for one person might not work for another. You can’t just look at the fact that somebody has an adhd diagnosis and expect them to be able to put the same strategies in place because you have been able to and fail to see all the other aspects of their health, neurology, life experiences, support network and personality that might make them different from you.