DH & money

[Shining526]

I work part time partly so I’m home to look after our DC 2 and our childcare costs are very low but also as due to my health I wouldn’t be able to work full time anyway. My husband earns over 3x what I do, he pays all the rent but we get it really cheap as it’s a property one of my relatives owns, more of a token gesture than anything else. We both pay the same amount into the joint account, everything we split down the middle, with him paying for a few more takeaways or small items. He can be generous with money but recently I’ve noticed him offering to pay less and less and spending lots on unnecessary items for himself, it’s like he’s being thrifty because he’s already bought these big extravagant expensive things for himself, think gaming and gadgets, and I often don’t find out about them until they’ve turned up in the post. He’s spent about £2,000 in the last week. We’ve recently booked a holiday for October and due to our DC needing some fairly expensive new items, that we will pay 50/50 for, I’ve expressed that I’m concerned that I’m not going to be able to save up enough spending money now and he’s not even offered to pay a bit more given his higher income but I’m not sure of this is reasonable of me to expect this?

I’m sorry I just don’t get married couples paying everything 50/50. All money should be family money and in my opinion all in one pot, as a partnership in marriage.

He's taking the piss.

You need to sit down with him and make a spreadsheet so it's there in black and white.

If he's a decent bloke he will realise and mend his ways.

Long term, think about getting back to full time. You've got to think about your own financial future not just the immediate time ahead.

Agree with above. How is it fair that one person is rolling in it and another scrimping by? Doesn’t seem very caring does it?

You are meant to be a team, working (I don’t mean employment) together for the good of the family.

How can expenses be shared 50/50 if he outearns you by a significant amount? Either it goes into a shared joint account and all expenses come out of there, or you both pay a percentage into a shared account to cover joint expenses leaving you both with disposable income.

Sharing finances is absolutely key to a successful marriage partnership. It's supposed to be about teamwork.

This is the kind of thing that would warrant couples counselling.

There is a big difference between "equality" and "equity" - meaning you should both be at the same level regarding every aspect of your lives.

Your effort and input as a the parent to does the lion's share of parenting is every bit as essential as his earnings.

He may not view it like this, believing that his input has more value because it is counted in £££.

This became a deal-breaker in my marriage with DH spending on things for "him" while my income all went on family expenditure. It took a lot of effort and a few major ding-dongs but he finally got it and now we have total equity. Never again did we have a single falling out over money.

This is what teamwork looks like.

Most things do come out of the joint account but we both pay into it equally and it was just easier to keep our own bank accounts with existing direct debits.

It would be more equitable for you both to pay all your salary into the joint account, move all the bills / direct debts to the joint account, then pay an equal amount each into your personal accounts per month for your personal expenses / disposal income.

That way you are both on an equal balance.

Any available balance at the end of each month in the joint account can be moved to a joint savings account.

Similarly, you should both be paying an equal amount into your pensions.

All family money should go into a joint account. All bills paid from it and then some sent to your separate accounts for pocket money to spend on what you wish and then what’s left over at the end of the month put into savings.

you have both decided to have children. That means either you both work full time and then pay for childcare or one of you works less and gets paid less but you’re not having to pay childcare. This shouldn’t mean that the person working less has to miss out on things or have less access to money.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks partners ( especially with children) keep seperate money?.
Maybe because I'm old. I was lucky to be a SAHM and my husband just paid his wages into a joint bank account for us both. I paid the bills out of it. We went to the Supermarket together. I just bought what was needed for the children. If we wanted a new appliance or bed etc... we would go together and buy it.
My own daughters did the same.. but both single parents now.

I don’t think he does appreciate that I’m the one doing most of the parenting as he often complains about having been “at work” when I ask him to do something for our DC in the evening like I haven’t been “working” all day too. He does contribute a good amount but I wouldn’t say it’s equal when we’re both around.

Unless he wants to pay you for doing childcare, you shouldn’t be paying 50% of the bills.

He does pay 100% of the rent but it’s 10% of his take home wage.

I know if I brought this up he’d be outraged and claim he’d “pay for it all” if I wanted but in reality that doesn’t happen. I also feel as I wouldn’t be able to work full time even if we didn’t have our DC it doesn’t seem fair to expect him to subsidise me?

I find this 50/50 despite wage discrepancies to be absolutely WILD.

I only hear about it on Mumsnet.

I don't know a single married couple in real life that don't either contribute a percentage proportionately to wages so they end up with the same amount of spending money and individual savings OR just have one joint account for everything that both wages go into.

It is so mean, and in a lot of cases is financial abuse.
It personally doesn't feel like a marriage to me when one partner would see the other go without/have less nice things and scrimp by.

You're married and have sc which you stay at home to provide childcare for, of course you should have the same disposable money. It should be split proportional to earnings. He's also benefitting from your families home.

You need to sit down and outline what he'd have to pay if he had to contribute towards additional childcare and increase rent.

I do not agree people have to have a joint account, we haven’t and it works for us. But what is happening with your finances is very obviously unfair. If it’s just bills to pay and then fun money for you both and all the children’s needs covered then a joint account does make it easier.

When he chose to get married and have children, he chose to enter into a legally-binding partnership.

What did he think this would look like?

Did he think that "his money" would remain "his" rather than realising it would be family income?

How did he think having children would affect him and his income?

Did he believe that his wife would become a lesser partner who does not deserve to have the same access to money as him?

Does he believe in total transparency with regard to finances? Or does he hold the view that the money he earns is none of your business?

If he were to take on child-rearing responsibilities in a truly 50/50 manner, what would that do to his earning potential? (And I mean properly 50/50 with everything that entails like taking time off when kids are sick, doctor appointments, running the house, laundry shopping cooking cleaning, school runs, night waking, etc etc.)

He can get as cross as he likes - it doesn't change the facts. And getting angry is a male defence mechanism because they don't want to hear what the woman is saying. You need to have this out properly. It's not the fucking 1950s. Is he prepared to be your equal partner or not?

But you are earning less so that you can care for the children that are both responsibilities.
That's not fair.
One big pot here. Then you can allocate a spends amount.

In my experience, the person working outside the home does not get it. I calculated how much a daily housekeeper and nanny would cost if I was at work full time, then showed how much we’d have to earn to afford that - do not forget that these expenses come out of your salary after you’ve paid tax so add it up and then stick the tax rate on it. Then see if he feels that you aren’t contributing as much as him.

I’ve just worked the numbers out and after normal joint & personal bills I have 15% of my wage left and he has 55% which does seem disproportionate!

When I expressed concerns over money when deciding to have children or not he assured me that he earns enough to cover it but stupidly we didn’t discuss the details of who would pay for what and exactly how he expected it to work. I like to plan when it comes to finances but he claims that I’m uptight and we should take a more relaxed approach.

But is that something you discuss with people, and know about? Or is it simply that it’s not talked about as a general rule.

Why are you paying 50/50 you can't possibly on a part time wage! If he wants to go down that route he needs to pay u childcare costs then so u at least have a full time salary.

Why don't u have a joint account that you can take from freely as and when needed. That's not a fair balance at all. He gets to buy what he wants, you get no say in it and are skint. Absolutely no way would I put up with that. Get him told!

You are being financially abused.

Time for a serious chat.

That's mad you split things 50/50 with a significant wage disparity. We split 50/50 but only because our take home is fairly similar. We have already discussed and agreed that this will change when I'm on maternity leave this year. Surely just put everything in one pot then you can always take out a specific amount each for personal spending. And surely you also want to prioritise saving as much as you can, whilst you are in a position of paying low rent, so you can buy your own place?