DH & money

[Shining526]

I work part time partly so I’m home to look after our DC 2 and our childcare costs are very low but also as due to my health I wouldn’t be able to work full time anyway. My husband earns over 3x what I do, he pays all the rent but we get it really cheap as it’s a property one of my relatives owns, more of a token gesture than anything else. We both pay the same amount into the joint account, everything we split down the middle, with him paying for a few more takeaways or small items. He can be generous with money but recently I’ve noticed him offering to pay less and less and spending lots on unnecessary items for himself, it’s like he’s being thrifty because he’s already bought these big extravagant expensive things for himself, think gaming and gadgets, and I often don’t find out about them until they’ve turned up in the post. He’s spent about £2,000 in the last week. We’ve recently booked a holiday for October and due to our DC needing some fairly expensive new items, that we will pay 50/50 for, I’ve expressed that I’m concerned that I’m not going to be able to save up enough spending money now and he’s not even offered to pay a bit more given his higher income but I’m not sure of this is reasonable of me to expect this?

Yes, it’s financial abuse. You should be paying in relation to what you earn, or put both wages in one account and both take equally from there. But I guess he won’t agree to that as then you’d see what he’s spending.

Tell him you need to earn more money so you're going to go back to full time, but that means childcare will increase by £xx.

I don't mean that you actually do this, just so he realises that you are taking on a lot of cost to yourself personally.

You are currently subsidising his lifestyle hugely by saving him childcare money and doing this unpaid labour which in turn prevents you from working.

Remind him he said he would cover having DC and it was on that basis you went ahead

So he needs to cover all their costs plus make up your loss of pension contributions whilst caring for the DC, that you are making a financial contribution caring for them whilst he works, you make a financial contribution by getting discounted rent.

Yes, my friends and I are all very open about finances and financial set ups as are my family members and in-laws.

Of course with some I don't know specifics like exact wages, but I know how they organise their finances within their relationship.

Coming on Mumsnet has been really shocking for me and I wouldn't be with a man that would happily spend a lot of money on himself without things being even.

I also would take no pleasure in having more than my husband.

I've seen women here talking about being on maternity leave or being carers for their disabled children, scrimping by and going without, whilst their husband buys new cars and shoes and holidays.
It is beyond belief.

Both partners should have equal fun money and equal opportunity to have savings (if separate).
Bills should just come out of the family pot or they should be paid by a percentage that allows the two above things.

Anything else (to me) feels quite cruel.

You are a family

There is no 'subsidising'

We do each have savings for a house but I’ve put mine in ISAs etc to earn interest while his is in his main account so I’m never sure exactly how much he has but its roughly 20k while mine is 15k and I will likely get a substantial inheritance in the future which I would put into a house but in the meantime he would be paying the majority of a mortgage.

I couldn’t work full time even without our DC as I have health issues.

Well he is also a fool to leave that money in a current account.

It’s time for a discussion, people can be as outraged as they like he may not agree. So I would get the figures as best you can and lay out your case. Because that will be what you will probably have to do. He sounds both mean and financially incompetent.

Keep your inheritance ringfenced.

If you use it to support the family in anyway he has a claim on it meanwhile he doesn't share his wealth with you

agreed. Money is only on part of the contribution, people can earn more because partners help them/stay at home. All for one and one for all, otherwise its a resentment.

DO NOT PUT YOUR INHERITANCE INTO THE HOUSE!!!

Why do you pay in the same amount as him, as you work part time which saves money on child care

How does that work if one person is terrible with money though? My ex husband would spend every penny of what we both put into a joint account if we had done that ( and no I didn't know he was like that before we married)

Well it’s a joint account so you would be able to see that money was being spent on something other than bills or the food shop etc.

the pocket money that is sent to the separate accounts would be to spend on what you wish without having to justify or explain it to the other person.

Married or not, I’d never trust anyone enough to have one joint pot of money and everyone needs personal/private money of their own. But surely proportional split is the only way to do this. 50/50 only works when you’re both earning the same money.

You might be able to see it was gone but it wouldn't stop him taking it. This is the point. Never mind if it was for bills etc

Every day on here there’s a post like this. Who is teaching women it’s ok to accept this shitty treatment?

Sounds like you need a serious chat about fairness...

That's because it is!

My income us 5 times my husbands. All income in one pot, everything paid from that pot.

When I was married to my exH, we had a joint account, both salaries were paid into it and all bills came out of it. Seemed ideal and "the norm" - except that my exH had a massive inability to control himself. If he wanted something, he bought it, whether it was beer, or expensive shoes or suits....so even though plenty of money went into the account, far more was flooding out. We lived in a FIVE FIGURE overdraft for nearly ten years 😱

Now, Mr Pony and I have our salaries paid into our own accounts, and we have a joint account for bills, to which we both contribute proportionally. Anything left over at the end of the month goes into our joint savings account. It also helps that Mr Pony isn't a massive alcoholic twat, of course.

If he insists on 50:50, bill him for childcare. That will also make it clear that the time you spend taking care of joint DC is part of your worktime. Tell him if that's a problem for him, you'll have to go back to FT and all chores/family leave days will be split down the middle.

Well he’d only take it once. Then you would learn you’re in a relationship with a child who can’t control his spending habits and maybe think twice about being with him and having a family with him.

But why would I allow it even once? Id been bring u kids for years on my own beforehand. So why risk it. And yes I did get rid of him

We have a joint account for the bills dh earnings 5x what I do so he pays 5x more in than me . We both have the same amount left at the end

Because you shouldnt see joint finances as a risk with someone. If you think they’re good enough to be your life partner and create literally living beings with, you should be able to trust them with money.