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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in not making Dh's packed lunch for him every day?

105 replies

pedilia · 16/04/2008 22:18

He will do it and doesn't ask me to but makes little comments that suggests he thinks I should be doing it, as in 'everyones wife at work makes them a packed lunch'

OP posts:
Original poster
pedilia · 17/04/2008 14:44

Must just say, DH is fab, he does all the cooking at the weekend and gets up with the DC's both days so I can rest.
He will do my horses on the way back from work if I am tired, he comes home and is more than happy to bath the children etc.

He has been a SAHD and sometimes made me a packed luch for work ( with 1 DC at home though)
By 6pm I am shattered and really can't be arsed to do a lunch!

It's not a major issues just wondered what the general consensus was.

OP posts:
Triggles · 17/04/2008 14:44

As of tomorrow, I will be a SAHM (today is my last day of work). DH does not look at me as his personal servant, but if he is out working fulltime so that I can stay home and be with DS, I see no reason why I can't make his life pleasant and pack a nice lunch for him. I don't look at it as being his servant. He has a long tedius work day, and I know that if it was me going to work, it would make me feel good to have him do something nice like that for me (which he has many times when I've been working).

Screaming "sexism" seems a bit OTT on this one. He's not demanding a lunch, simply asking. If it's a reasonable request, and it can be reasonably done, why not be nice?

duchesse · 17/04/2008 14:49

No he's not demanding a lunch- this is not 1875. He is dropping big passive-aggressive hints that he expects his wife to make his lunch as though she were a housekeeper whose job it is.

sleepycat · 17/04/2008 14:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrimulaVeris · 17/04/2008 14:58

Yes duchesse it's the tone/context in which it's said -as though it's part of a wife's duty regardless rather than as a division of labour or mutual agreement.

If it were reasonable and asked in a different way, then there would not be an issue

cmotdibbler · 17/04/2008 15:00

I had a friend who would get up at 6 when her DH did, make him breakfast and pack his lunch, then go back to bed as she didn't have to get up for work till 8.

DH thought this was hilarious, and just couldn't get his head round the concept.

We both work ft, and have never made a packed lunch for each other, apart from DH overcooking dinner quantities sometimes to allow me to take it for lunch.

girlfrommars · 17/04/2008 15:00

YANBU

I HATE it when my husband doesn't ask me to do something directly and just hints about it.

If you want something ASK ffs. If you whine and hint then I'm definitely NOT going to do it.

I think it's fine to do if it is appreciated and accepted as a favour. If it's taken for granted or expected it becomes annoying.

GetOrfMoiLand · 17/04/2008 15:03

Never make DP his lunch, we both work FT and buy lunch at work (he is a builder so I presume has an all day breakfast in a greasy spoon somewhere!)

However, DP sometime works into the evenings, if he is in the area when he does this he rings and asks me to make him a sandwich, so he can pop home, pick it up and go back to work. And I happily do this without thinking I am demeaned.

I basically am in charge of all the cooking in the house as I am a better cook than he. But again I don't feel I am being 'used'. DP always does all the driving when we go out, mostly does the grocery shopping, is responsible for the bins and outside work and we both muck in with the general house chores. So it works out quite nicely really.

GetOrfMoiLand · 17/04/2008 15:06

cmotdibbler - DP leaves the house at about half 6, I usually get up with him, have a cup of tea, then swan off back to bed for half an hour or so until DD and I get up.

For us this is not odd at all. We both work very long hours, is actually a nice time for both of us to spend time with each other at the start of the day, before everything else starts clamouring at our time!

(sometimes I do think bollocks to it though, and stay in bed in the warm )

Eddas · 17/04/2008 15:09

i've only read p but my dh does exactly that. he often comments about how he does things that 'other' men don't as my mother always said would you jump off a bridge of your > did?! that's exactly how I react to dh I often say well if you think 's wife is better than me go live with them, you married me and I don't make your sarnies I often tell him 'i'm not your mother you have arms and legs so why don't you do it'

spokette · 17/04/2008 15:12

My husband makes my and his pack lunches every day.

Chequers · 17/04/2008 15:12

Message withdrawn

Chequers · 17/04/2008 15:37

Message withdrawn

Triggles · 17/04/2008 15:49

There ya go. Moving along...

spokette · 17/04/2008 15:50

I don't understand how some of your marriages work.

Don't you believe in doing something for someone else without turning it into some feminist issue?

My brother use to make my sandwiches for me when I was studying and in return I did his ironing.

My DH makes my lunch, cleans the bathroom every week, cleans kitchen every week, cooks meals at weekend and in return I do other things like washing and ironing. It is called teamwork and it works because we communicate. Consequently, we know our roles, the lines of demarcation etc.

BeauLocks · 17/04/2008 15:50

Why on earth would you make your dh's lunch for him? Is he incapable of doing it himself? Would you wipe his arse for him?

casbie · 17/04/2008 15:52

i work and make kids breakfast and my lunch..

my hubby is a homemaker and i think this is fair!

PrimulaVeris · 17/04/2008 15:56

One of the first questions my mum asked me after DH and I were married was "Do you make him his packed lunch?"

From that moment on, I knew that Packed Lunches were a Feminist Issue

Triggles · 17/04/2008 15:58

LOL BeauLocks - apparently to some on here, it's not the task, it's all about how he asks. So I guess if their DH's asked nicely.....

Personally, if DH was hinting around about something, I'd just say "Are you asking if I'll make your lunches?" If so, fine. I try to take things at face value, not look underneath for some hidden sexist meaning. Makes life a whole lot simpler.

Anna8888 · 17/04/2008 16:00

Spokette - very good post

It's futile to isolate one single domestic task that one half of a couple does for the other half and debate it as an example of sexism in a marriage.

casbie · 17/04/2008 16:03

i guess it's the winny way he said it that gets to you...

say 'yep, and can you just take the rubbish out/feed Dd" or whatever that bugging you.

Sixer · 17/04/2008 16:04

pedilia, make his lunch for him at least once, just give him lettuce sandwiches!

mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 17/04/2008 16:12

ok so clearly I am a doormat.
I make dh's lunches every night, book his appointments and generally if its indoors I do it. That said I DO NOT TOUCH anything outdoors. that includes washing cars/windows, mowing grass, gardening, tidying up the childrens toys etc. If he is out there he gets both children to look after too.
Its not all one way, fair enough I do do all the cooking and cleaning, but dh looks after the children most of the time he is home and he always puts them to bed as thats his area.
It might seem unequal to other people but it works for us. Plus he is always willing to give me a head massage if ever I ask, light the fire, make me a cuppa etc.

toratora · 17/04/2008 16:20

I make dh lunch everyday, as it is not worth the strop that would follow if I did not. When he is busy on the farm I have to make it and take it out to him wherever he is (which could be a 30 minute round trip)as he said that he would not be able to keep it until lunchtime if he took it with him in the morning. Over summer I also have to make him a packed supper and take it out after I have bathed the dd's. Just making a packed lunch would be easy

allytjd · 17/04/2008 16:35

My MIL still makes my BIL's packed lunch even though he left home ten years ago and has two kids of his own. FIL delivers it as BIL works for him. DH now works in an office over the road from FIL and BIL and I am tempted to ask her to make him one too! I am not a morning person, so no chance of me making one for him (or kids for that matter).

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