To cut her out of my life?

[ElTortilla]

I've not always had the best relationship with my mum. After yet another argument, I'm ready to cut her completely out of my life.

She met her husband about 15 years ago. She married him very soon after meeting him and moved him to the UK and he lived with us. I had only met him once prior to this at their wedding.

From the moment I met him he was ignorant to me. Barely spoke to me, sometimes wouldn't even reply to things i'd ask him and would only answer one word answers and that's when he did answer. He's still like that now. If I bring it up with my mum, all I get back is that 'it's his way' or she laughs. She'll rarely challenge him when he's ignorant to me. He also will butt in a conversation I'm having with my mum and completely change the subject. Again, it's 'his way'. The first time I met him we were all together and she started screaming at me asking why I didn't like him. He never says thank you if I pay for a meal or whatever. He's incredibly negative to me too. He never says anything positive. First time I met him, he told me to shut up when I was speaking to one of his friends. My mum knows all this but defends him again. It's always just 'his way'.

Other stuff she has done is she's given my belongings to his family with a promise to buy me the items new. Reason that they're poor and would like the items. I didn't get the items replaced.

There was a time when they were both out of work. They really struggled financially and for weeks she was very aggressive in demanding that I get a loan in my name for tens of thousands of pounds to help them financially. I refused.

One time my mother and I had had an argument and she stormed of to bed with her husband and they had really loud sex with slapping included, probably as revenge for me daring to argue and stand up for myself. That was lovely as you can imagine.

She's also very critical of my appearance. She would tell me not to sit with my arms crossed as I looked fatter and tells me my face looks fatter when I wear my hair a certain way.

She reminds me of my failures in life.

She often doesn't want to see me. She doesn't have anything else on, she just doesn't want to see me.

Anyway, I've had enough of it.

WIBU to cut contact?

Has anyone cut contact with their family? Did it feel liberating and empowering?

It feels liberating and empowering, yes. It feels like getting away from your programmer and having a chance to reprogram yourself.

The hard part is if they realise and resist and get nasty, maybe talk badly on out you to others so that they seem like the reasonable party. That’s when it’s uncomfortable to walk around your own town in case you bump into them and live in fear of them turning up at your door for a while. I never fully relaxed until I moved away.

Low contact is a another option. It negates all of the above and gives you the upper hand to see them on your terms whilst having space to work things out for yourself. The downside of that is you have to basically be an actress every time you do see them and coach yourself out of all the weird feelings afterwards.

No contact is worth it in the end. But really hard. It’s painful to separate from your family. In the end you get to live your own life and not constantly be dragged down by their shit ways.

@OriginalUsername2 Thank you for sharing your story.

I feel like I'll have to move away. I think it'll be a fresh start so not too bothered.

I’m praying you don’t still live with them? If not, just stop contacting her.

God they sound dreadful. I’d want nothing to do with them either if I were you.

I think it's easier for her not to see you and the way he treats you. I think it hurts her and she's not strong enough to do anything about it. I think she's trying to push you away so he doesn't hurt her by hurting you.

She needs help. She needs free from him.

@ElTortilla I recommend this thread. It’s for those with dysfunctional families or considering or have gone no contact. I’m NC with my parents and it’s a really supportive thread.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5135984-august-2024-but-we-took-you-to-stately-homes?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

Going NC with my abusive bitch of a mother was the best thing I ever did for myself.

Good luck to you.

Roughly how old are you? I'm hoping you don't live with them.

I moved out soon after he moved in. I was ignored by both of them when I lived with them and I got sick of seeing my mother do absolutely everything for him with no thanks at all.

I'm in my early forties. I don't live with them but live close. I need to move away. I feel a cloud of toxicity with living near them.

I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm glad your life is better now 😊

Thank you @SkylarkDay, I'll have a read.

That's a different perspective. She's always ready to defend him though and that infuriates me.

I've asked if she's happy in the marriage and she says she is but she always hesitates.

I don't want to stick around. All I feel is toxicity and my mental health is shot. I think about suicide most weeks which I know isn't healthy. I feel the only way to be free is to not be in contact.

I've confronted my mum in the past about the things I wrote about and she always gets very angry and makes me feel like it's nothing and I'm massively overreacting. I've realised that I'll never forgive her.

Will moving away be difficult for you?
Job, housing, friends etc will all be affected.

Many years ago I moved 150 miles away from where I was because I felt my life was in a rut & I could see exactly what it would be like for the rest of my days.
It's exciting and challenging and you have to step out of your comfort zone, say yes to all (most) opportunities that arise

I wish you all the best, good on you for refusing ro accep the situation you're in and doing things to change it.

@StripeyDeckchair . Well done you for making that change! It's definitely not easy.

I'll be moving around the same distance from work now and I have very few friends here so a new start might help me find friends in the area.

It will be odd to have a new home so it has to be somewhere special. Somewhere lovely to go home to.

Sorry op

i couldnt think of nothing worse than having to listen to my mother having loud sex!

id want to burn my ears off after that!

They sound dreadful, and you sound like your life would be vastly improved by removing them from it. Even if she is stuck in an unhappy marriage and her behaviour reflects that, it's not your job to fix that for her to the detriment of your own mental wellbeing.

💐 Good luck whatever you decide

I cut the whole of my toxic family out of my life 5 years ago - best thing I ever did, like a weight lifted instantly and I'm the happiest I've ever been.

Block them on everything and also tell people you don't want to hear anything about them either.

I stupidly got in contact this year as my father is terminally ill - it last 4 days - they continually lied and played mind games.

Mentally it had a massive negative effect on me and wasn't worth it.

I won't be attending the funeral when it comes either.

For context my mother never wanted a girl - my brother is the golden child and my father tells people I died in a car crash. My brother is the same as them but lapping up the attention.

He's 50 now, still lives at home in the same childhood bedroom (moved his girlfriend in then had a baby) and never paid a bill in his life despite working when he feels like it.

Everything I have, I've worked hard since 16 and don't owe anyone anything 😁

(sorry went on a bit of a rant there)

There is a fb group for people going through estrangement and how they feel/navigate it. I would really really recommend you join it as there are many of us in similar positions and it helps to feel a bit of virtual support when dealing with this scenario.
it sounds like a very toxic relationship and you are worth more

One time my mother and I had had an argument and she stormed of to bed with her husband and they had really loud sex with slapping included, probably as revenge for me daring to argue and stand up for myself.

This is reprehensible. She sounds sick, as does he.

You would not be unreasonable to cut contact. It might not be easy, but that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong thing to do.

I completely cut ties with my mother 20 months ago, she is toxic and has been diagnosed with a personality disorder. It has been so liberating ,all the stress has gone and my BP has dropped.

Biggest regret is that I didn't do it 30 years ago when my sister did.

I think you should absolutely move and go NC. Really focus on yourself for a bit. I think you'll find happiness quite quickly. All the best.

YANBU. Move and start your new life and enjoy the peace and quiet.

I would do it sooner rather than later, before she starts making demands of you to provide care for one or both of them in their older years.

Do it. My mother was the one who moved and her not telling me any details like location etc was the last straw and final nail.

You won’t regret it. You’ll mourn the relationship you SHOULD have had, but you were never ever going to have that with her.

no drama, just make your arrangements and go. Leave her and her revolting H to it.