To cut her out of my life?

[ElTortilla]

I've not always had the best relationship with my mum. After yet another argument, I'm ready to cut her completely out of my life.

She met her husband about 15 years ago. She married him very soon after meeting him and moved him to the UK and he lived with us. I had only met him once prior to this at their wedding.

From the moment I met him he was ignorant to me. Barely spoke to me, sometimes wouldn't even reply to things i'd ask him and would only answer one word answers and that's when he did answer. He's still like that now. If I bring it up with my mum, all I get back is that 'it's his way' or she laughs. She'll rarely challenge him when he's ignorant to me. He also will butt in a conversation I'm having with my mum and completely change the subject. Again, it's 'his way'. The first time I met him we were all together and she started screaming at me asking why I didn't like him. He never says thank you if I pay for a meal or whatever. He's incredibly negative to me too. He never says anything positive. First time I met him, he told me to shut up when I was speaking to one of his friends. My mum knows all this but defends him again. It's always just 'his way'.

Other stuff she has done is she's given my belongings to his family with a promise to buy me the items new. Reason that they're poor and would like the items. I didn't get the items replaced.

There was a time when they were both out of work. They really struggled financially and for weeks she was very aggressive in demanding that I get a loan in my name for tens of thousands of pounds to help them financially. I refused.

One time my mother and I had had an argument and she stormed of to bed with her husband and they had really loud sex with slapping included, probably as revenge for me daring to argue and stand up for myself. That was lovely as you can imagine.

She's also very critical of my appearance. She would tell me not to sit with my arms crossed as I looked fatter and tells me my face looks fatter when I wear my hair a certain way.

She reminds me of my failures in life.

She often doesn't want to see me. She doesn't have anything else on, she just doesn't want to see me.

Anyway, I've had enough of it.

WIBU to cut contact?

Has anyone cut contact with their family? Did it feel liberating and empowering?

I cut my mum out of my life 12 years ago, for so many reasons I could write a book.
The final straw was when she hit my 11 month old baby so hard she knocked him out of my arms and I only just caught him before he landed on the ground.
It has been the best 12 years of my life.
I am so much happier.

Not long after that I cut some extended members of my family out of my life for completely different reasons. My life is far less stressful now.

Best decision I have ever made.

Just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to put up with them treating you like crap.

Please get yourself whatever help you need, this sounds like abuse and who is worse the abuser or the ones who stand back and allow it yo happen?

I think your Mum, deep down is perfectly aware her husband's behaviour towards you, is dreadful and unacceptable. She doesn't want to rock the boat, by confronting her husband. My guess is that she fears he may leave her, and she'll be facing old age on her own. Is by any chance he younger than her? I suspect she's probably unhappy and has realised she made a mistake in marrying him. She's defensive because she knows you're right, but doesn't want to admit it to herself, because if she does, then she'll need to do something about it! It's easier for her to bury her head in the sand. For your own sanity and well-being, you need to cut contact. Block her number and on social media too (if she uses it). If moving away would make life easier for you, then do it. If you have no ties as such to the area, then why stay! As the saying goes 'we can choose our friends but not our family'! Just because someone is related to us, it doesn't mean we have to like or see them!

Yeah its great when you finally decide to go for it. I did get abusive messages from the step-dad every 6 months for a few years but thats finally died down

Cut all contact with her and when she comes to realise shes married an arrogant prick and comes running tell her to eff off, claim its 'your' way and see how she likes it. She doesnt deserve you anyway.

It caused me to view sex as very negative. I used to be very sexually active but not anymore. The thought of sex makes me recoil in horror and I always think back to then.

It's her sticking up for him that's the issue though. She also won't hear a bad thing said about him. I've been verbally attacked before when I've voiced my opinions, which have always been backed up with proof of my opinions.

Why are you still there? enabling them in controlling you. Just find somewhere to live and leave.

I suggest you read the whole thread, then you wouldn't have posted your question.

Your mum sounds similar to mine. I cut ties about two years ago with her, my grandma and some other extended family . It was absolutely the right thing for me to do and the best thing for my children.

It was hard in other ways. I realised things about my childhood and things that had been said or done to me even as an adult that were very wrong. It does hurt, you miss things you didn't have like a decent relationship and daft things like going for a coffee or lunch (I never did this with my mum but would have loved to have had this sort or relationship). You kind of grieve for what you should have had if that makes sense? I found I needed to do a lot of work on myself.

I will never behave in that way to my children and I hope they feel the exact opposite of what I feel.

OP, say nothing to her.
Get quietly organised and move.
Tell her as little as possible.
Don't argue with her, just focus on getting organised.
Only tell her if you must when everything is organised and just before you move.

It is a very powerful thing to do.
My dear colleague years ago was treated very poorly by her mother and parents growing up, but who worshipped her brother
She couldn't ever do anything right.
She was late 30's at the time.

She overheard her mother telling her aunt that she would unlikely marry and that she would be their carer as her brother had a big job.

This was the final push she needed after years of her mothers put downs.

Quietly through friends she privately sold her house for a fair price and accepted a transfer an hour away with her company.

It wasn't all easy, especially the first year but she actively got involved in local groups and has built a really lovely life for herself. She met a nice woman and although they didn't have a family, they are very happy to this day.

Her parents outrage and disbelief when they eventually were told she was leaving was deeply satisfying as was her mothers outrage at the knowledge that it was known that she hadn't told her family she was leaving.

Her parents are very elderly now and have carer's in, her adored brother moved to the other side of the country some years later as he definitely had no intention of repaying their adoration.

She very rarely visited, as she said "they had years to treat me kindly and chose not to. I no longer feel any real connection to them".

Do it, be brave.

I don't live with them.

What an inspiring person your colleague was. Sounds like she turned her life around and took full control. What a superstar! Are you still in contact with her now?

I'm sorry you've gone through this.

I know what you mean when you say you grieve for the relationship you so desperately want but are never going to have.

How are things now with you? You're a strong person and I reckon such an inspiration to your kids.

I broke off all contact with my sister, I couldn't be bothered with her any more. She was, and as far as I know, remains a PITA. She is so argumentative she could fall out with her own shadow. And 40 years later I have no regrets. Just relief at all the aggravation I have side stepped.

I see my colleague occasionally and Covid has meant it was several years but we text.
She is so lovely and heading for 60 now.
I didn't know she was gay till she moved and met someone.
I do know she never regretted making the break for freedom.
Nor have i ever met anyone who did.
Do it and keep posting.

Thank you for the update.

I feel quite bad that I might be causing my mother upset even though she's caused me hell over the years. Is it normal to feel like this?

Maybe your wired different ( in a good way) you have consideration, understanding, you are able to sympathise, so yes get why you would feel this, but you also have so much trauma aswell, you haven't done anything wrong,
I spent many years ' over apologising ' apologising when I didn't have too, took me many years to unlearn this, be kind to you

I don't know if this will be of any comfort or use to you but here goes. I heard a Danish podcast this week featuring a guest whose PhD is on the parents of adult DC who have gone NC. He said he expected to find some parents who were cut off without a "good enough" reason, but in every single case he could see why they adult DC had done what they'd done. They had tried to build bridges, set boundaries etc but the parents just couldn't see their DCs point. Or their method of raising issues was just to blame the DC. So if you're getting to the point where you feel you need to go NC, then you're almost certainly justified in doing so.

Yes, absolutely normal. I wish I could find the words to be able to elaborate, but in a relationship like this it’s totally normal to feel guilty even though you’ve done nothing wrong

I am really quite a caring person.

I always end up apologising to my mum after I've called her out on things before and then I end up feeling shit again having her in my life.

Thank you. I hope it gets better.

Ahh that is interesting. Please do you know the name of the podcast?

I'm going to seek counselling. Hopefully that will help me heal.