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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To spend birthday with my friend or my original plan?

69 replies

JennaRink · 21/08/2024 12:59

I've been friends with Sarah for 16 years and live on opposite sides of the UK.

Over the years I've visited her a lot and since I bought my own home 4 years ago she has come to visit once a year.

This year she came at an inconvenient time while I was on a trip with a partner so I left the keys with another friend who let her in. I gave her a key so she could come and go.

She has now bought concert tickets for the weekend of my birthday in my city, so second visit this year. She asked if I will be home for my birthday or not and that she was thinking of 'coming on the Friday' which is my actual birthday!

Last year we did spend my birthday together and she chose to spend her birthday with me. Since then I have a partner although I know he'd be flexible about when to see me. And I often spend time with family.

I was planning to go to the theatre in London my birthday weekend but now I am wondering to go another weekend to see her instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 12:59

I do feel she is being very presumptuous overall. She is one of my best friends but it's quite annoying!

OP posts:
powerwashingqueen · 21/08/2024 13:02

I think I'd say to stick to your original plan and tell her you'll be away for some of the weekend, and when you get back, you'll want your home to yourself with your new partner, so she can't stay.

I think she would try to stay at your house while you're away again unless you make it clear that she can't.

Spotlightt · 21/08/2024 13:02

Shes just booking things without checking with you? Unless you always spend your birthdays together every year then YANBU.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:03

@powerwashingqueen I just think it is bizarre to make the assumption that I will want to be with her even if I am here.

It's my birthday. Even if I am, I may just want to be with my partner or family.

And I've already put her up for 6 days this year

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:04

@Spotlightt yes she is.

OP posts:
Spotlightt · 21/08/2024 13:05

Shes a CF.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:06

The reason I keep putting up with this @Spotlightt is because she lives in one of the most beautiful parts of the UK and has put me up many times.

But now...I think she is reaching CF level

She is also a great friend so I want to be careful about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:07

And really, I have always checked with her and asked before booking.

OP posts:
Spotlightt · 21/08/2024 13:07

If she keeps putting you up that changes things. Just be honest with her that she needs to check before booking things.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:10

She puts me up once every couple of years. When we were teens-20s that would be a whole week.

This is the other issue - I'm in my 30s now and she still comes for more or less a week but I've changed and feel it's too much now.

Coming for a second visit within a few months again is pushing it.

OP posts:
Riapia · 21/08/2024 13:11

So she isn’t coming to celebrate your birthday with you, your house is saving her money on booking a hotel room.
What a great friend.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:14

Obviously if she is here I will need to include her in my birthday plans. If that is just with my partner then it doesn't suit. I wasn't even planning to be here but to go to London!

We've spent our birthdays together about four times including last year. She has made an assumption that this would be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:16

And I dont even necessarily want her here by herself for another week or something if I'm here or not.

Which probably sounds petty.

OP posts:
elizzza · 21/08/2024 13:19

I must be very out of step of Mumsnet because I feel like people call CF over what I consider normal friendship. Of course my close friends, who have in the past put me up for a week at a time, can stay at my house anytime! You spent both your birthdays together last year, so it’s not a wild assumption that you might want to spend your birthday with her. She’s checked with you if you have plans, and if don’t have plans she’ll come early to spend your birthday with you. If you already have plans to go to the theatre in London you can just say that.

pasturesgreen · 21/08/2024 13:20

I was planning to go to the theatre in London my birthday weekend but now I am wondering to go another weekend to see her instead.

Comes down to how bothered you're about seeing her. Friend suited herself, went ahead and bought tickets and only afterwards thought of mentioning it to you, so personally I wouldn't change plans to accomodate her in the circumstances.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:21

@elizzza she has stated that she will be coming on the day if my birthday regardless of whether I have plans or not. That is odd.

But yes she is a good and close friend who I only see once (or now twice) a year so I am considering pushing my London plans back a week or two.

Yes - I would like to see her but she isn't considering me at all @pasturesgreen

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 21/08/2024 13:25

Has she got tickets for you to the concert or does she just want you to put her up while she goes?

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:26

@DinaofCloud9 she hasn't bought me a ticket!

That is a very, very good point.

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 21/08/2024 13:28

I just think it is bizarre to make the assumption that I will want to be with her even if I am here

Well, you were quite happy to spend your birthday with her last year, and you describe her as ‘a great friend’, so it’s not that bizarre.

The reason I keep putting up with this is because she lives in one of the most beautiful parts of the UK and has put me up many times

Ah, so you want to keep this arrangement? You want to be able to go and stay with her in a beautiful part of the country? And she’s the CF?

Plus, citing your partner as a reason you don’t want spend your birthday with her this year doesn’t paint you in a great light, tbh. Are you one of those people who drops friends as soon as they get into a relationship?

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:30

@sammylady37 I think the core CF element here is booking things without asking me. I have never done that

Yes I do want to keep visiting her. Obviously she is the main reason.

No, I'm not. But it would be my first birthday with my partner and if she got into a relationship, I wouldn't expect things to stay the same forever.

OP posts:
Boltonb · 21/08/2024 13:34

If you move your London trip, and put her up, she is learning nothing. Stick to your plans, and say “sorry, we’re away for my birthday this year”. The bizarre act of giving her a key last time makes it harder not to let her stay, even if you’re away.

sammylady37 · 21/08/2024 13:34

JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:30

@sammylady37 I think the core CF element here is booking things without asking me. I have never done that

Yes I do want to keep visiting her. Obviously she is the main reason.

No, I'm not. But it would be my first birthday with my partner and if she got into a relationship, I wouldn't expect things to stay the same forever.

But she didn’t book for you- it’s not like she expected you to be free to attend with her.

And it’s not ‘obvious’ at all that she’s the main reason you want to keep visiting her, given that you didn’t mention that at all but did specifically say about the beauty of the place where she lives.

DinaofCloud9 · 21/08/2024 13:37

OK well I certainly wouldn't be letting her stay in your house if you're not there. I wouldn't let anyone do that.

Whether you let her stay depends on how much you'd like to see her.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:45

@Boltonb I regret the key now.

5 mins before she went to catch her train I said 'shall I take the key back and keep it here?' and she said 'no I may as well keep it in case you're not here again.'

This was a mistake on my part clearly.

OP posts:
FruitFlyPie · 21/08/2024 13:50

I don't think she is being that rude. She is apparently a close friend who you only get to see in person once a year. Surely that's a great offer.

Yes she has visited once already this year but you didn't actually see her so not sure that counts.

You'd rather spend it with your partner, really? Who of course is your priority, but at the same time, is someone you can see 365 days per year. Personally I'd celebrate the day before or the day after with my dp.