To spend birthday with my friend or my original plan?

[JennaRink]

I've been friends with Sarah for 16 years and live on opposite sides of the UK.

Over the years I've visited her a lot and since I bought my own home 4 years ago she has come to visit once a year.

This year she came at an inconvenient time while I was on a trip with a partner so I left the keys with another friend who let her in. I gave her a key so she could come and go.

She has now bought concert tickets for the weekend of my birthday in my city, so second visit this year. She asked if I will be home for my birthday or not and that she was thinking of 'coming on the Friday' which is my actual birthday!

Last year we did spend my birthday together and she chose to spend her birthday with me. Since then I have a partner although I know he'd be flexible about when to see me. And I often spend time with family.

I was planning to go to the theatre in London my birthday weekend but now I am wondering to go another weekend to see her instead.

Change the locks will be the new cancel the cheque! 😆

I honestly think, the theatre has fallen on your birthday but that’s not the reason she’s coming up. If it was, she’s have bought you a ticket also. The fact that it’s your birthday times it well for her so she looks like she visited for your birthday on its own.
Change the locks and tell her to Air B’n’B it and do one.

Whoa.......when you said in your opening post that your friend had "bought concert tickets", I assumed that meant for her and you, for a birthday treat!
Ok, so I put 2 and 2 together to make 5, but it did come across like that at first - well, it did to me anyway!
And had that been the case, I probably would have erred on the side of going along with her coming to stay
Now that we know she hasn't bought you a ticket, I don't know!

How about something along these lines:-

Hi friend, I already have birthday plans. However if you will still be around on x day we could meet up for a meal & a catch up.

You don't have to say whether you are home or not but this subtly says she cannot stay regardless.
If she blatently ignores this & says oh not to worry I'll just let myself in & do my my thing, you will then have to be more direct.

No I am sorry but I have plans and you cannot stay with me this time. But as I said would love to meet up whilst you are in the area.

And agree with others, change the lock.

Yes I consider it normal that if a close friend was going to a concert in my city, they’d assume they could stay at my house. If that’s not normal then I’m happy to be weird and live a life full of people I love who know they’re always welcome with me, and make me feel the same in reverse.

Great for you. I have loads of lovely friends who I love dearly, but not one of them would make all her plans and then tell me when she's staying at my house. Basic manners cost nothing. She could have asked if it was OK, not tell OP what she's doing. It's cheeky as fuck.

I think you just need to make it clear moving forward that she needs to ask prior to booking anything and not assume she can stay as you do have other guests.

Or you say she can't stay as you have visitors.

Either way get the key off her for your "other visitors".

She is likely assuming all is fine and she wouldn't mind you doing the same to her/her home.

Thanks all, I still havent decided what to do but this is all good advice.

When it comes down to it, I should be able to do what I want for my own birthday. If she wanted to come any other weekend it would have been better.

It's also the fact she knows it's my birthday but it's not as though she's suggested plans of that nature or even to fit in with my plans. It's all quite strange.

It's not strange. She has asked to stay at your place as she has concert tickets. If you don't want her to, say no. She is not being inconsiderate.

@jolene7 she knew fine well the concert is the day after my birthday. So she always intended to stay and booked on that basis.

As I say, she didn't ask, just assumed.

If as you say you have visited her lots over years because she lives in a beautiful place, and she has visited you once a year over the 4 years you have owned a house I don't think she necessarily a CF. However if you say you arent around and she can't stay at yours and she throws a huff That would be her a CF

Hmmm, you don't really talk about her like you like her much tbh. J can see why this would be frustrating but I'm assuming she did this as she thought it would be a nice surprise so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt

Also the way you speak about your partner, previously were you single? If so, that's a but sad you'd ditch your friend for a new boyfriend (although understandable), just if you end up being single again, and she's not don't be surprised if she does the same

Tell her someone else is staying while you’re away, every time. Also, change your locks!

So she’s not really coming specifically to see you for your birthday, she happens to be going to a concert that weekend and is using your home as a free base because it suits her. I would definitely stick to your original plan and then make more plans with your partner, she doesn’t deserve your time that weekend!

Well you have set a precedent by allowing her to stay at your place while you were away. You're essentially providing her with a free hotel. She's not coming to see you, she's come to go to a concert and she hasn't even asked you if it's ok to stay, just assumed? I think you need to have a frank conversation with her and tell her that you have plans with your partner and family for your birthday weekend and it's not convenient to have a houseguest. I'd also tell her you'd appreciate her asking if it's ok for her to come and stay next time, not assume you'll always be able to put her up. If she chooses to end your friendship after this, she's not much of a friend anyway is she?

You have someone else staying, so she can't this time, and you need the keys back, can she please post them? Of course you'll pay postage...

It's rude and weird to book a single ticket and assume without even asking that you can stay at a friend's house.

Dear lovely friend,
Normally I would be thrilled to see you on my birthday and spend time with you, however; this is my first birthday since I have been with my partner. Plans have already been made so having you stay over here is not possible that weekend. Hope to see you soon.
Jenna

You’ve been too easy going. It’s not that easy to change the dynamic now but you definitely need to get your keys back from her.

I would ask her to post them as you need them back now (for cleaner or visitor or you’ve lost your other spare set).

And in future if she doesn’t ask but says she’s coming on a set date you have to say oh no, I’m so sorry but that’s not workable for whatever reason. You need to set some boundaries.

You should do whatever you want on your birthday and if you don’t want her staying in your house I’d make an excuse / get the keys back and explain she can’t stay.

Personally I would excuse myself out of this rather than be direct but after this be careful with boundaries.