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AIBU?

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Original poster

To spend birthday with my friend or my original plan?

69 replies

JennaRink · 21/08/2024 12:59

I've been friends with Sarah for 16 years and live on opposite sides of the UK.

Over the years I've visited her a lot and since I bought my own home 4 years ago she has come to visit once a year.

This year she came at an inconvenient time while I was on a trip with a partner so I left the keys with another friend who let her in. I gave her a key so she could come and go.

She has now bought concert tickets for the weekend of my birthday in my city, so second visit this year. She asked if I will be home for my birthday or not and that she was thinking of 'coming on the Friday' which is my actual birthday!

Last year we did spend my birthday together and she chose to spend her birthday with me. Since then I have a partner although I know he'd be flexible about when to see me. And I often spend time with family.

I was planning to go to the theatre in London my birthday weekend but now I am wondering to go another weekend to see her instead.

OP posts:
Spotlightt · 21/08/2024 13:55

elizzza · 21/08/2024 13:19

I must be very out of step of Mumsnet because I feel like people call CF over what I consider normal friendship. Of course my close friends, who have in the past put me up for a week at a time, can stay at my house anytime! You spent both your birthdays together last year, so it’s not a wild assumption that you might want to spend your birthday with her. She’s checked with you if you have plans, and if don’t have plans she’ll come early to spend your birthday with you. If you already have plans to go to the theatre in London you can just say that.

Booking concert tickets and assuming your friend is going to be available, then expecting to be put up in their house for said week/weekend when all the time you haven't asked if they are even available or if they already have plans...is basic CF behavior. You consider that a normal friendship telling your friend what they are doing on a particular weekend because you say that's what's happening? That's not a normal friendship.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 14:01

@FruitFlyPie to explain, my partner and I are long distance at the moment - also both in UK.

Last time she visited I was visiting him - I came home early just to see her for her last 2 days.

In theory I could spend my birthday with him in London then come and see her but I can't be arsed travelling my birthday weekend.

The alternative is I spend my birthday with her, see him and go to the theatre a separate weekend. It is doable but not my first choice.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 14:03

Honestly there's every chance I would have invited her rather than partner to the theatre.

She has made things difficult by bookings this concert ticket for herself.

OP posts:
BridgetJonesBigPants · 21/08/2024 14:09

So she still has a key for your flat that you asked for back and she said no?!

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 14:12

@BridgetJonesBigPants er...yes.

Although I worded it like she had the option so can't blame her really!

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 21/08/2024 14:16

Honestly, grow a pair and tell her that you have plans for your birthday and it doesn’t suit you to have her stay. You wish she had discussed it with you before she booked, but she will have to book a hotel.

Jellytotsandwinegums · 21/08/2024 14:16

I don't see CF here, just a normal close friendship. If you want to go to London with your boyfriend, just go, and she can stay in your place, and hopefully you'll get to see each other before or after your London trip.

If you feel she's visiting you more than you're visiting her, just tell her you'd like to visit her soon and see when suits her, but i think it's a bit odd to keep score - it does sound a bit petty.

It sounds like she's been a very good friend for many years, from my experience, female friendships like this are very valuable, and can last a lot longer than romantic relationships. I think you need to be careful not to make her feel that you don't need her company anymore as you have a boyfriend.

Skyrainlight · 21/08/2024 14:56

JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:06

The reason I keep putting up with this @Spotlightt is because she lives in one of the most beautiful parts of the UK and has put me up many times.

But now...I think she is reaching CF level

She is also a great friend so I want to be careful about it!

You sound like a user. All is well and good as long as it's her putting you up in a beautiful place. Your friend thinks you are friends, she doesn't realise she was just free accommodation to you.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 14:57

@Jellytotsandwinegums yes we've already seen each other through some major relationships during our friendship. I don't want to give her the impression she's downgraded. So it might be worth changing my birthday plans to see her this time.

I'll think about it.

I didn't mention the number of times to keep score - I just get overwhelmed by people visiting me a lot especially when it's up to a week each time.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/08/2024 15:00

She's asked you, not expected. Asking if you're free is a yes or no question so say no.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/08/2024 15:01

JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:10

She puts me up once every couple of years. When we were teens-20s that would be a whole week.

This is the other issue - I'm in my 30s now and she still comes for more or less a week but I've changed and feel it's too much now.

Coming for a second visit within a few months again is pushing it.

But you can just say no, don't resent her for asking

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 15:01

@Skyrainlight but the reality is that I go to visit her and no one else. She lives in a remote location.

When she visits me my home is a base and although she will have a dinner with me here and there, she is often out at concerts or seeing others.

You're free to think what you like but I'm not a user.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/08/2024 15:02

elizzza · 21/08/2024 13:19

I must be very out of step of Mumsnet because I feel like people call CF over what I consider normal friendship. Of course my close friends, who have in the past put me up for a week at a time, can stay at my house anytime! You spent both your birthdays together last year, so it’s not a wild assumption that you might want to spend your birthday with her. She’s checked with you if you have plans, and if don’t have plans she’ll come early to spend your birthday with you. If you already have plans to go to the theatre in London you can just say that.

THIS

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 15:02

@Unexpectedlysinglemum she hasn't asked. She booked the concert ticket then told me when she was coming.

She assumes that even if I am not there she can stay here. That has never been agreed.

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 21/08/2024 15:07

Aside from the theatre tickets etc I would ask her for the key back - on whatever pretext.

Mountainpika · 21/08/2024 15:07

Tell her you'll be away and change the lock.

Fathomless · 21/08/2024 15:17

BasiliskStare · 21/08/2024 15:07

Aside from the theatre tickets etc I would ask her for the key back - on whatever pretext.

Agree, get your key back. let her know before she arrives, 'I'll need my key back'.

Say you want the house to yourselves as you're spending time with dp. She can hardly object, it's YOUR house, YOUR birthday, and she's invited herself!

EC22 · 21/08/2024 15:18

JennaRink · 21/08/2024 15:02

@Unexpectedlysinglemum she hasn't asked. She booked the concert ticket then told me when she was coming.

She assumes that even if I am not there she can stay here. That has never been agreed.

But surely if you were planning a romantic weekend with your bf she’d need to find alternate arrangements.

i don’t think she’s being a CF necessarily, just inconsiderate that things have changed now you have a partner. I’d be telling her she’d be a 3rd wheel if she comes.

Olika · 21/08/2024 15:20

Well, first of all you need the key back from her. She seems to think she can come/go whatever suits her and I find that selfish. She should have asked you first, not assume.
Don't change your plans for her, do what you want for your birthday weekend.
You do need to decide how you want things to be with her. You have to put boundaries in place. If you don't she will continue treating your house as a sure thing she can just help herself in no matter if you are home or not.

Original poster
JennaRink · 21/08/2024 15:29

I have to say my logic when giving her the key at the time was I didn't mind much if she used my home when I wasn't there.

I probably would have been ok with it any number of other weekends. But to choose my birthday weekend? That's different.

Like PP said, she didn't buy a ticket for me to suggest plans together. Just to stay.

OP posts:
Tbry24 · 21/08/2024 15:46

She’s your friend she wants to see you on your birthday, that’s a lovely thing.

But the rest needs to be discussed either you both go to the concert or you both go to the theatre but not she buys herself a ticket and goes without you.

ps I would give anything for my best friend to have seen me for my big birthday this year …. As always she was too busy.

DoreenonTill8 · 21/08/2024 15:53

Mountainpika · 21/08/2024 15:07

Tell her you'll be away and change the lock.

Say, sorry youre away this time and definitely change the locks!

crockofshite · 21/08/2024 16:00

JennaRink · 21/08/2024 13:45

@Boltonb I regret the key now.

5 mins before she went to catch her train I said 'shall I take the key back and keep it here?' and she said 'no I may as well keep it in case you're not here again.'

This was a mistake on my part clearly.

Change the locks.

LittleLittleRex · 21/08/2024 16:17

Have you actually tried giving her any clear answers? It reads as if she makes suggestions and is more decisive than you, that's all. Just communicate more clearly, tell her if you do actually have plans and she can actually work with it.

Beautiful3 · 21/08/2024 16:19

She has the key and thinks she can come and stay whenever she wants! You need to change your locks and tell her, I'm sorry but I'm away. I can't have you over.