Massive argument with dp

[Lacky301]

I know I'm not an easy person to deal with I do have autism and adhd.
Me and dp do have alot of stress in our own ways and sometimes dp is a bit quiet etc and can be a little moody at time as can I.
This morning we both have to be in work for 7am and I always do dp his sandwiches for work and make him porridge then drop him at work then I shoot off to work. I know I know but dp will cook tea for me.
Anyway dp isn't the best in the mornings anyway as he's usually tired but this morning I needed to leave earlier as I had to drop something off somewhere and on prompting dp to get moving in a nice manner he snapped at me why early I had already explained the night before to dp I needed to leave earlier on the morning.
Anyway when it was time to leave I said we can give it few more minutes and dp was acting very surly and said he's ready now so I snapped and said everything I do run here run there and you treat me like shit and should apologise once in the car This ended up with dp shouting to stop the car so he can get out and walk to work so I swore at him and let him out he slammed the car door and threw his bag across the grass and said I won't see him ever again.
Was I in the wrong here.

Agree with this!

Maybe I need to just accept he was tired and let it go over my head so probably need to have more self restraint.

So you do everything in the house, make his breakfast, make his lunch, drive him to work, do all the mental load in the relationship and he sometimes makes your dinner?

Are you sure he's your adult partner and not a child? No wonder you lost the plot at him but I think a conversation needs to happen to tell him he needs to pull his weight more.

You also need to work on your moods. See a doctor or therapist if you can afford it. It will make your life so much better if you're not moody or depressed. I speak from experience ❤️

p.s. me and my DH also have ADHD but we're older and wiser and have done a lot of work on ourselves to understand each other better.

Most sensible comment on the thread

I think you both need to work on yourselves. Separately. Far away from each other.

Surely you realise relationships aren't supposed to be like this? It's toxic and unhealthy for both of you.

I think you all need to stop piling on the OP, some of these comments are ridiculous "appalling and abusive" behaviour....really?

I know right. I sometimes wonder if I'm reading the same post as them 🙄

You are acting like you are his chiding mother, and he is responding like a petulant teen.

This is not healthy. Share the chores equally, no more daily porridge or sandwich making on your part unless he takes on more cooking or other tasks.

It sounds like you need to split up.

He can be good like the time I had a medical episode and he looked after me Says he loves me makes me a drink whenever I want it's not always like this.

Ok, neither of you has covered yourselves in glory this morning. There's a fair bit to unpack here.

Firstly, he was stroppy with you because he doesn't like getting up early. Well, tough shit. Welcome to adulthood. It's OK to not be a morning person, but it's not right to take it out on others, especially the person making your breakfast and chauffeuring you to work!

Telling him to hurry up, and then telling him you're actually early when he has hurried up and got ready as asked was probably irritating for him to be fair. But I can see that his stroppiness was also irritating and I also get that because you're ND there might be an issue with needing to leave 'on time', worrying about being late etc.

Raising your voice isn't helpful, but neither does it necessarily mean you are "abusive" based on this one incident. I can see why, as the person who is making his breakfast, preparing his packed lunch, driving him around and doing pretty much everything else you got angry with him for being stroppy. I imagine you were feeling unappreciated, which is difficult. But being stuck in a confined space with someone shouting at you is really unpleasant. Maybe don't make his breakfast, do his packed lunch and drive him around if its going to lead to resentment?

I can see why he chose to get out of the car rather than being shouted at, it was probably sensible to remove himself from the situation. His reaction was way over the top though, screaming at you, throwing his bag and the "you'll never see me again" honestly sounds like a kid having a tantrum. It sounds like at this point you'd both lost all perspective and the situation had gotten completely out of hand.

It sounds like what started as something relatively trivial escalated very quickly. That can happen when people are tired and stressed, but if its happening regularly then you have some serious thinking to do about what needs to change. How is the relationship generally? Do you argue like this a lot? Are you usually happy?

It sounds like you need a conversation about the division of labour, and the morning routine in particular to see if there is anything you can do to make it less stressful.

I don't think some of the posters on here realise how stressful it is to take on most of the mental load when you have ADHD. This argument has probably been coming for a while, a build up of resentment at the situation. You need to talk about this when you're both calm.

So you do everything in the house, make his breakfast, make his lunch, drive him to work, do all the mental load in the relationship and he sometimes makes your dinner?

I think you've made quite the leap. How do you know she does all the mental load in the relationship?

I wouldn't say caring for someone when they are unwell and making drinks is "being good", I would say that was a minimal expectation.
How long have you been together?

I mean, that's just basic human kindness isn't it? It's hardly the hallmark of an amazing relationship when the rest of it is as you describe.

You need to let this go and move on. Sounds like a pointless argument over nothing in particular really.

His stress levels are dragging me down tbh I've taken on alot with him.

Like he gets alot of agro thrown his way from relatives and he can't let alot of it pass over his head so it's always in his head to the point where he seems to be in another world at times and festering in all his problems then I'm having alot of mental health problems and I've got no support.

He wakes up every morning like he has the world on his shoulders and I feel irritated by it as even at other times of the day he looks like a troubled man.

He has always got earphones in soon as he wakes up they are in his ears whilst I'm getting myself and his breakfast etc ready. I frequently have to raise my voice over his earphones to make myself heard. Either this or he's watching tiktok or chatting live with his mates.

Just let it go.
You've had a snip at each other.
Forget it.

Stop driving him to work for a start. He can make his own way and if he has to get up earlier to do so then so be it. You’re basically doing the school run with him acting like a stroppy 12 year old, especially with the headphones. Drop the rope and let him be an adult.

Why didn't you quote me if you wanted a reply?

I don't this it's a leap but a very probable fact from what the OP has told us.

Sorry....I didn't know the rules.

and it's because 'quote' includes the whole post, when often I just want to address one part of it.

The forum isn't really a conversation between named individuals, more just a place to chat.

Now I'm not sure if I'm using MN correctly.....