Its a Child Maintenance one

[TheSpoonyNavyReader]

I am posting in AIBU for traffic and posting on behalf of my sister, as I need to help her against her dickhead ex husband. I know that there will be some people on here that are more rationale and subsequent than I certainly feel

My Dsis has a 18 year ND (ADHS,ASD, AD, OCD) DD who is staying on at college, so will be 19 when she finishes college and is entitled to still get child maintenance.

DS ex husband is now asking for a breakdown of all costs for DN, as he is self employed and said that he will show that he has no earnings he is a (Prince of a man) if she goes to CMS. He has paid the minimum for years and she struggled and done all the leg work, he only sees my DN once a year.

What should we include in this breakdown- help

He doesn't need any proof. Contact cms and leave them to collect.

He will give up work and work cash in hand as he only has a year left to pay.

I wouldn't even engage in this nonsense. It's controlling behaviour and he won't agree with the breakdown of costs anyway, so she will be without money regardless.

If he has messaged that then I would be reporting his business with evidence of his threats. I would still be reporting without evidence, so they can investigate a sudden drop in earnings.

He can’t suddenly show he has no earnings. They use his tax return. Does he lie on his tax return?
Tell him if he wants to lie, then she’ll inform HMRC and they will look into him for tax dodging.

Travel costs, food and drink at college and at home, clothes, sanitary products, hygiene products, phone, share of gas, electricity, internet, any tv packages. Any material needed for college, equipment etc,,

Why does he suddenly need a breakdown, has he needed one before.

In that case, and if she wants to play this game then it would have to include half of her living costs (rent and bills for when she is staying with mum), half the cost of feeding her, half the cost of clothing her, half the cost of any clubs/activities, half the cost of pocket money, half the cost of transport, glasses, prescriptions, anything like that.

CMS never actually amounts to half the cost. He’d be cheaper paying the CMS rate.

Don’t give him a breakdown. He’s trying to engage your sister in this nonsense to create a distraction and exert control. Once she shares the costs, he’ll start picking them apart saying X isn’t necessary or Y could be cheaper if she changed supplier or Z isn’t a cost for DN. Then he’ll probably move on to only paying maintenance for the costs he approves of and ask for evidence that’s where the money went etc.

Men like this are pisstakers and, if you give them an inch, they’ll take a mile. How she spends her household’s money is none of his business now they’re not together. Child maintenance isn’t based on actual costs, it’s based on what he earns and HMRC will be v interested in his sudden nil earnings tax return.

Hair cuts, any thinks that helps with her conditions, my ds has certain things that help him. Depending on level of her needs anything that effects her. Their are many forms of ocd but if it costs money to help dn then ask for the money. If she regulates by doing something then claim for any costs incurred. My DS opens and shuts the front door, ok in summer chilly in winter so heating more expensive. He also only eats certain food, only wears certain things, it all adds up.

With only a year left to pay what's the point in all this? I wouldnt be giving him any breakdown. No point going to cms she will get nothing.

Why should he get off paying for his child, that he has not had overnight for 10 years.

why do you feel that he can get a free pass!

I dont, but u wouldn't be providing any breakdown for him to pick apart. And if she goes to CMS she gets nothing. So the basic what he's giving for 12 final months is surely better than nothing? No?

He has said that he will not be paying anything now DN is 18, unless my DSIS gives him a breakdown of what she spends. He is willing to pay half the phone bill and nothing else.

He is controlling and this is his final controlling act, and he knows it will hurt my DSIS.

He will do that anyway.

Fair enough. I still wouldn't be giving him anything and playing into his control.

Honestly, she needs to detach and assert herself.

She goes through CMS, and if he tells a pack of lies, that’s on him. No way would I start sharing personal financial info with this turd.

My DSIS does not want to give him her personal financial details

She wants to say

Food-100 PM
Travel-100 Pm

ETC

Dear Dickhead,
It won’t help for me to send a breakdown of costs as you are not expected to pay 50% of [DD]’s upkeep. This would be significantly more than you currently provide. Instead, you need to continue to pay a percentage of your income, in accordance with CMS rules. As you know, these are worked out from HMRC records, using a standard formula.
I hope that clarifies things,
Spoony’s Sister

But he won't accept that, he'll want a full breakdown. Receipts, each item listed separately. Its about control not wanting to legitimately help his daughter with her costs

Where does it end though?

I mean, if I were working out just ‘food’ for my DC, what’s included?

✅ the food itself
✅ electricity/gas costs for cooking it
❓Hourly rate for time spent meal planning and shopping?
✅ food at home
❓ food she buys herself on nights out
❓ food picked up on day trips (not factored into weekly shop)

There’s no chance of a positive outcome here. He’s not going to get it and say “oh yes, she’s right. I’ll keep paying. In fact, I’ll pay more”

Whatever she does / doesn’t include is going to get scrutinised. He’s going to argue. She’s going to waste time and headspace on this deadbeat.

I mean there’s two options isn’t there.

Give him the details
Don’t give him the details - go via cms

Sounds like either way however she won’t be getting the money.

Its a shit system than not resident parent abuse.

Ok, there's what should happen via CMS and then there's dealing with the situation you have. If your sis wants to go that route then I would include
Food
A portion of the utilities
Travel to college
Travel to medical appointments
Additional costs for ND related equipment or treatment
Phone bill
Any other tech costs eg laptop
Clothes
Toiletries
Any hobby costs
Allowance

The child is now an adult.
Its all about money on mumsnett.

I have been down this road. It's shit. My own view is whatever breakdown she gives, he will want a breakdown of breakdowns or "receipts as proof" and then he will find a reason why they're not proof. She is not going to win this one. I'd report him immediately to HMRC and if she has the "I'll take cash in hand" message, I'd give them that too. I'd go through CMS, just for sheer amount of hassle it'll give him. They will go by last year's calculations anyway so if he's submitted a tax return then tough. I fucking hated men 🤬

Oh do one. Do you have a disabled dependent? The father should be paying to support.

Weird how people say this about the Mum, but never the deadbeat dad who's trying to avoid paying the minimum legal obligation he has towards his child.