(Much) younger sibling

[Happiestwhen]

I am 18 years older than my sister. She is now 20. She has always been spoilt since she was a child and has a very selfish attitude to life. She's completely self- absorbed and thinks the world revolves around her. She has no regard for what anyone else wants or needs. She doesn't buy birthday cards or presents for anyone, not even her parents let alone myself and my dc. No Christmas presents, nothing. All along I've thought she'd grow out of it and learn some regard for others so I've always given her money in a card for birthday/Christmas. But this has been going on years and nothing is changing. Aibu to not gift her anything going forward? I feel as I'm older it's probably expected and my parents might feel I'm being petty. But she's earning her own money now and I feel she should start paying her own way. She gives nothing towards rent , food or bills either.

She's the baby of the family - watch Dinosaurs - Baby Sinclair - that's their job!

These things are cultural.
My culture you don't care and actually don't want them to spend money on older people (not elderly).

My brother is 6 years younger than me, he's the baby, I don't want him wasting his money on me. But he can have anything be wants.
My other siblings are a year and a half age gap with me either side, they get nothing 😂

Rent, food, bills etc is between her and your parents - keep your nose out.

I stopped buying for my brother at 18. He earned way more than me and anything I bought he didn’t seem that interested so I stopped.

oh and I’m the baby of the family and still by my mum and nieces and nephews gifts. We aren’t all spoiled.

rent bills etc are between her and your parents,

That’s a normal teenager. Barely out of school style dynamics and groups and reality of adulthood and how to maintain relationships, what happens when you take them for granted not hit them yet. I wouldn’t make such a severe judgement on what they’re “just like” until they’re 24yo. Why are you so annoyed about it? You sound like you carry the resentment from when you were 18yo yourself. I wouldn’t do what you’ve said, you see her as a peer so are having expectations of her like that, when your kids are teens you’ll have a different view of what is reasonable to expect.

It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything wrong or egregious. Just been a typical inconsiderate young person.

Rent and everything, nothing to do with you. When did she start earning? You can't say "this had been going on for years" when she only became an adult 2 years ago.

You don’t need to buy her presents. You have your own dc to buy for and she is an adult. I would stay out of the rent situation, if thats what your parents have agreed to and you try and get involved you are likely going to cause a rift between yourself, your sister and your parents.

Don’t give up hope. Apparently the human brain isn’t fully developed until age 25. Just hope she’s not a late developer

She's still quite young. You don't have to buy her presents. It's your parents business re finances. Are you a little envious and resentful of her?

I don't think 20 is the age when she will suddenly change. She is used to being treated as the baby and might just continue to be the 'baby adult' in the family. DP is in this position with 2 of his siblings. His brother (who is 19 years his junior) was about 28 when he first gave DP a birthday card that wasn't chosen and paid for by mummy😅 They have been sporadic ever since.

YABU.

Financial arrangements between her and your parents aren't really any of your business. Especially since you are (presumably) long since out of the family home?

I get that you aren't close. You were a legal adult when she was born, it must have been a bit of shock to see your parents back in the throws of "tiny child land", and perhaps with less time to talk grown-up stuff with you. And I'm guessing you've never lived together for any significant length of time?
But you do seem to really dislike her? A 20yo without the habit of buying cards and gifts for other people hardly seems that far behind, socially. Remember, in her eyes, you've always been a fully functional adult, with all that entails. Whereas she's been a literally child until very, very recently. A child isn't expected to buy cards and gifts for adult relations, sibling or not. And certainly not that adults own children!

I think you're judging her unfairly.

Actually I would blame your parents for this. When my kids were very little, I would always buy a card and small gift that they could give to family members. As they got older (they're all still teens at home) I would remind them to get their own gifts/cards to give. Obviously your parents didn't do this.

Hmmm. She's only 20. Barely making money I assume. If I were your age, I wouldn't be expecting or even wanting to receive anything. It's probably more your relationship that is the issue.

But this has been going on years and nothing is changing.

Seeing as she is only 20 what do you mean going on for years? You wanted a 15 year old to buy presents for people? With what money? She's only been an adult for 2 years.

Just give her a card going forward. No need for drama.

Actually my children always sent cards to family members. They did this from about preschool age. I would help them until they could do it themselves. When they were very little, we would make cards. They were usually really crappy cards, clearly made by a child, but so what. I'm surprised to learn other parents didn't do this with their kids for family.

Gosh I'm very shocked at the replies and this is probably why there are so many inconsiderate young adults with parents having this kind of attitude. From the age of 12 I was buying presents for parents, grandparents and friends. I would use my pocket money before I started working. It just shows people that you appreciate them. Do you really think it's normal at 20 yo to not even bother buying someone a card? It's the thought that counts they say but she's not even willing to spend £2 on a card and write a nice line for her own mother!!! Come on, is this not the least we should expect from a young adult? BTW I have never resented her, I was very excited to become a big sister when she was born. I brought her along everywhere with me and always bought her things. She just seems so unappreciative and it doesn't seem her attitude will change anytime soon.

I absolutely wouldn't expect a 12 year old to be buying people presents. I mean mine do, and having since probably around that age, but they really wanted to and I helped them out by paying for at least 50% of it given that they didn't get much pocket money. Did your parents do this with her at age 12? However, aged 18 with a job is a different story. I dont think you have a right to comment on anything before that age when she was a child.

Your DSis may well be self-absorbed and selfish, but buying cards and presents for people seems to be an odd thing to obsess over. Does she stay in touch by text? Spend time with family members? Tell her parents she loves them and thank them for the things they do for her? IMO all of these are much better examples of whether someone is self-absorbed (and let's face it, all 20 yos are a bit self-absorbed!) and selfish than whether they buy birthday presents or not.

I would never expect a 12 year old to be buying me presents out of their pocket money, my gosh I would be embarrassed about this! I actually think that's teaching children to be very materialistic. I was quite spoilt as a child, now that I'm an adult I do the spoiling, but that wasn't until I was much older I could afford to get decent presents. It's never been about the gift though, it's always been about the thought.

Is your sister the only 20yo you know? Do you work with any? Remember they had to go through a pandemic through key socialising years, and your sister had older parents too. You can’t compare to what you were like (and I’m a similar age). What you've described is yes typical for most 20yo to 28yo even. It could be your posts, but it honestly reads like you just don’t like her and have been waiting for her to reach a certain age so you can judge her for it.

I would expect cards to be bought from a young person but not much more.

You just don't like her do you?

My niece is 10. If in 2 years time she bought me a present out of her own pocket money I would be mortified for such a young child to do that.

I have nephews closer in age than you 2 are and I would never expect anything from them. I'd tell them thank you but please don't spend your money on me.

Can someone please explain to me what terrible message it sends about capitalism to sit down with your four year old and help them make a birthday card for their gran?

Really? You would be embarrassed if your 12 year old grandson had spent 39p on a birthday card for you? Or put a tube of Werther's Originals in a gift bag for you at Christmas? You think this teaches them to be materialistic?
What did you do when primary school kids make mothers day cards at school? Did you send them in with a note excusing them saying 'my kids don't give cards or presents, they only receive them'?

Just to reiterate I never expected her to buy anything before age 18. I meant her being self - absorbed and wanting her own way is going on years. And it's not like I want a big expensive present, just a card would be nice. It's more my dps I'm sad for, she doesn't bother getting them a card or present for their birthdays but expects them to go all out for hers. I just want to know AIBU to not gift her going forward now that she's an adult.

That’s a normal teenager

She's a 20-year-old adult.