… to want more help from her?

[Dadwithquestion]

Long time lurker, first time poster.
Father to a young child. DW has always been clear that she wanted to be a SAHM when children were small, and I am supportive because my job involves irregular hours, and I want DC to have a parent at home.
However, as time goes by I have been picking up more and more of the responsibility for our family. Work is stressful and I also find myself doing most of the cooking, an equal share of household chores, and in my view an outsized share of the mental load (meal planning, budgeting and planning for our future, car maintenance, planning weekends, etc).
I’ve always been the “organised” one and DW has always been more spontaneous, but I thought that would change when we had children and she quit her job. She finds managing DC exhausting as nursery is currently only 4 hours a day, and thinks IABU to expect anything more from her.

If she doesn’t want the SAH gig she needs to stop pretending and go back to work. She’s got 4 hours a day to herself, which is enough time to make a decent go of all that stuff.

I expect people will ask if she’s depressed, which always happens when a man in your position posts. When it’s a woman she’s emphatically told that he’s taking the piss. Which is what I’m telling you.

When you’re both at home things should be split evenly but she’s got 20 odd hours a week to “run the house” with no child to take care of.

You sound like a good dad. and it's hard when they are young. But I don't think she's asking too much of you, she's told you she's struggling so it's your turn to help at the minute. I'm sure at another stage in life she will prop you up, that's marriage.

One DC? Who's at nursery 4 hours a day?

But you're working full time, doing most of the cooking, half the chores and lots of mental load?

What is your DW doing?

She sounds lazy.

@Pandasnacks thanks for your response. Why do you think this current split is fair? I am working full time, then soon as home cooking for the whole family, and taking care of a hundred things that DW will not sort. DW has several hours a day to do whatever she likes.
I feel overworked and frankly would not mind swapping places. I don’t think DW intends to ever prop me up financially, and I would accept that more happily if she helped more with other things.

She should be doing a lot more if she’s not working, that’s a very unfair distribution of labour given one party is at home 24-7.

@mushpush DW feels very tired after taking care of DC and needs time to relax, catch up on sleep, and so on. Feels we should not care too much about the state of the house nor should we aspire to eat cooked meals every day. If left to her own devices she’d probably be content with a few ready made nibbles here and there.

What does she do while you’re cooking ? Is she helping also?
I think men should do their fair share my DH works full time & definitely helps 50/50 I do also run my own business from home & have 2 DC though.

Sounds like OP is doing more than his fair share

Sometimes helps me out and sets the table. Sometimes watches a movie or chills out in the room. Sometimes makes a cup of tea or calls her parents or sister. If I were not cooking she’d probably do exactly the same thing, but then eat junk food or order takeaway which is expensive.

Do you care for the child too when cooking? How old are they?

have you told her how you feel?

If she's not doing half the work there isn't really any point to her is there?

Only one child who goes to nursery?! She has it relatively easy. I'm a sahm but my dc are older now. When they were little and now, I did all food shopping, laundry, all cooking and 95% of cleaning and daily stuff like dishwasher. Maybe she'd be happier at work and splitting house stuff evenly?

How many children and how old? Why are they at nursery if she’s at home to look after them? She absolutely needs to use the nursery hours at least on household things. If it might be depression, she should see a GP, but it frankly sounds like she is taking the mick.

How many children and how old?
Does she get enough sleep at night?

Saying she may be depressed isn't far out if left field and completely reasonable to suggest because there are far more hormones involved during pregnancy and birth, the aftermath is sometimes horrific and takes a very long time, sometimes years to resolve, to be flippant about it is disingenuous and sexist.

What job did she do before children?

If the child was home full time and you in work full time, I’d expect the cooking/chores etc to be split 50/50. As she is child free for 4 hours a day, that changes things. I’d say she should be responsible for the vast majority of it really. She should definitely be cooking 6 days a week imo.

@Dadwithquestion you are not being unreasonable.

I work part time but pick up a majority of the chores, mental load etc.

I sort dinner because it’s out of order to expect my husband who leaves at 6am and doesn’t get in until 7 to do it.

When I’m commuting, he sorts my dinner and for our daughter.

What does she actually do all day?

I do 90% of the cooking and maybe 40% of the household stuff. DW finds taking care of DC really rewarding and does not want to go back to work. But then is so tired she doesn’t have energy for anything else while DC is at nursery or during the evening. I’ve always been the slightly more high energy one.
I guess this might be more of a relationship question than AIBU. I suppose what I’m wondering is whether a family can be happy long term when things are unequal. Because ultimately I am quite happy that DW is at home for our child, should I just accept that I need to carry a disproportionate share of the work? I find it stressful to have so much to do but probably still not as stressful as having to juggle two careers and childcare and so on IYSWIM

You say she's always been clear she wants to be at home with young DC, but I wonder if that really is the case. It doesn't sound like she's enjoying it. I'd add it can be quite lonely. What jobs has she enjoyed in the past? Have you talked to her about how you feel and asked how she feels?

No, YANBU.

What was she like before having children? Did she view having kids as a way of stopping work? Has she honestly got plans to return to work in the future or does she plan a life of freeloading? She needs to up her game.

Those suggesting depression this is something I worry about too. DW has always been a bit lower energy but nothing extreme. She is very popular and has lots of friends from Uni and from her last job that she is in touch with regularly. Calls her mom every day, takes DC to visit GPs every other day.

Outsource some work, food prep or bulk cooking, laundry service, cleaner etc

You still haven't answered how many children you have.

What does she plan to do after the child/ren are at school?

Are you paying into her pension pot whilst she stays at home? If not then that is still a big sacrifice on her part.

Calculate how much it would cost for FT and wrap around care for your child/ren and see what you think op.

How old is the child?(ren) it's quite hard to do much housework at the same time as watching them

I'm a sahm with a one year old and a three year old (neither of whom go to nursery). It's knackering. But I still do more than your wife because my DH and I are a team and I wouldn't leave him with that sort of imbalance. It's disrespectful to you and your relationship.

@semideponent we have talked and she feels we should solve our issues by getting a cleaner to pick up the household stuff, and be less fussed about cooked food. I’m worried about lack of savings because I am paying off the mortgage alone and we don’t manage to put aside much as is, so I find the idea of getting a cleaner just heaps more stress on me.