… to want more help from her?

[Dadwithquestion]

Long time lurker, first time poster.
Father to a young child. DW has always been clear that she wanted to be a SAHM when children were small, and I am supportive because my job involves irregular hours, and I want DC to have a parent at home.
However, as time goes by I have been picking up more and more of the responsibility for our family. Work is stressful and I also find myself doing most of the cooking, an equal share of household chores, and in my view an outsized share of the mental load (meal planning, budgeting and planning for our future, car maintenance, planning weekends, etc).
I’ve always been the “organised” one and DW has always been more spontaneous, but I thought that would change when we had children and she quit her job. She finds managing DC exhausting as nursery is currently only 4 hours a day, and thinks IABU to expect anything more from her.

Tell her to get a part time job if she wants a cleaner.

I'm a SAHM, we have three children, I have only been a SAHM for the last 8yrs because our youngest is disabled.

He goes to school but I catch up on sleep I miss out on every night during those hours.

I may prep some dinner but I no longer cook dinner for everyone, I make my own meals.

I use a laundry service a gardener and cleaning service once a month for a deep clean.

I am not the house slave, I am not a maid.
I am here to cover the very many limitations our son includes so my husband can continue to work.

He also pays into my savings because he knows he wouldn't be able to work and improve his income without me.

Op said that he does most cooking and organising, but most cleaning is done by her.... it's not that unbalanced from my pov.

Oh come on now, she’s taking the piss!!!

Big time as well

There are a few things she could do, but really I think societies expectations of SAHPs is what's wrong here.
People expect too much from them imo.

You talk about cooking and cleaning, but how much of the actual child care are you doing. My husband I both work full time, and the actual hands on looking after the children still falls largely to me. He thinks he is helping as he does some housework (probably better than me). But child-wrangling is very very draining at times.

women all over the country are doing what you do on a daily basis (work and the lion’s share at home). In fact Is is expected of them to such an extent it is a common question “how do you manage both”.

May be take your child out. Bathe them, so a fun activity with them. And resign yourself to a few ready meals here and there. I went back to work and found it far less tiring than full time mumming.

I’d blow my fucking stack at that.

your wife is lazy and she’s never going to get any better unless you tackle this now.

she needs to get her shit together or go back to work so that maybe you can ease up a bit

it’s not at all good enough

She's also never had to solely financially provide for the family. Including the stress and pressure that can bring.

If you are expected to spend the time after work cooking and cleaning and being a parent, then your wife is expected to spend the time your DC is in nursery doing the same. This isn't unreasonable. Everyone needs down time. It isn't acceptable to expect your husband (or wife!!) to come home from work and start doing these things while you take another break. In that case, she should be considering where OP's break is.

Your wife owes it to you to look after your mental wellbeing the same way you owe it to her. Tell her you are burning out and feeling resentful.

They are in nursery 4 hours a day!

@Timetoheal4good i think you have got to exactly what is bothering me with this post. DW gets a couple of pauses during the day when she can relax and do her own thing. My weekdays are just non stop full on work and chores. I only get to relax during weekends when we spend time together as a family or share the childcare duties so each of ys can get some down time.
l if DW did more during nursery hours our evenings would be more pleasant for both of us. Would feel more like a partnership.

Thanks for all the responses. I have read them all and it’s been interesting to get a range of views.
I think I know what to do next! I will show this to my wife as a way to start the conversation.

Your child is in nursery, which is a car ride away?

Your wife takes and collects.

How long is the journey?

Lots of people are saying ‘but she has 4 full hours to do things’ She clearly can’t have 4 hours but how long does she get once travel time is taken off?

So clearly your wife is not bothered by home cooked meals every day
' nor should we aspire to eat cooked meals every day. If left to her own devices she’d probably be content with a few ready made nibbles here and there. '
and that's why you do the meal planning and cooking.
Maybe she can't cook / doesn't enjoy cooking ?

You mention you work irregular hours - what does that mean ?

is she doing her ' an equal share of household chores ' when child is at nursery as you do only claim to do ' an equal share of household chores '

Out of 24 hours in a day how many hours are you at home ? how many hours a day do you see / spend with your child.

@Dadwithquestion I don't believe you are in any way unreasonable for feeling this way. I say that as a Mum of a 3 year old myself.

I'm not saying for a minute that the times where she has your toddler come without their own challenges at times. But with 4 hours a day nursery care and a husband picking up the lions share of cooking and half the cleaning etc, your DW needs to step up here. You are a partnership and you both owe it to each other to act like it.

If you were the wife then I'd advise a good heart to heart initially to explain how you felt and be firm about your boundaries being blurred. You're not a doormat. So why should the advice be any different with you being the husband?

@Dadwithquestion I can see how this would feel imbalanced for you and how this could breed resentment at some point.

Your wife might just find the reality of being a mum different than the dream. If your child is high energy this can sap alot from you. I'm trying not to make excuses but I'm also going to challenge the lazy interpretation because Maybe there is more going on.

I had a child, my child is Autistic/ ADHD but didn't realise or get assessed until many years later. At the same time I became very unwell and exhausted with non descript unexplained symptoms that crippled me.

On the outside, I looked like a pathetic lazy incompetent mum. Now I know I was living a life with challenges most mum's will not comprehend. I later had multiple debilitating conditions diagnosed after a very long battle and going private. One of these conditions is genetic and made me want to nap every day. I thought that was normal. My child's father pointed out it was odd and obviously thought I was just lazy.

Basically, the only way to know is to communicate. Have a very open, honest conversation with your wife. Be as understanding as possible in order to get answers. You can definitely express your feelings that it feels imbalanced. I think it is ( if there are no other issues like those I experienced and listed above).

If there are no answers and it appears that wife feels this is all ok and all normal, I would seriously consider saying it's not a sustainable set up for you so you need to consider more hours in nursery. Maybe a cleaner is an option but is wife going to help pay? I don't think you're unreasonable.

Yes it won't be 4 hours for her, more like 3 depending on how far away it is.

How many days is that btw? Is it the 15hrs government funded or are you paying for that? Usually it's from 3 but earlier if the child has a disability of some sort.

You both need to sit down and make sure you have the same amount of child-free work-free hours per week.

If I was fortunate enough to stay at home with my children and they were in childcare 4 hours per day, my house would be immaculate.

This isn’t maternity leave. Your son is 2.5…that’s plenty of time
to adjust.

Shes taking the piss.

I am concerned she is taking the mickey and is being incredibly lazy. If she is struggling with tiredness despite DC sleeping 10 hours a night then DW needs to see the GP.

I work part time three days a week during school hours. The fourth week day I am child free and the fifth day have the 3 year old (older one is in school FT). In that six hours on my own I still get meal prep done, the house cleaned, washing done etc. All my husband needs to do is to load the dishwasher and wipe the sides after dinner.

I also do all the meal prep, 99% of the cooking, 100% of the laundry and probably all of the school admin too. I leave the household admin (home insurance) and car admin to him as he set them up initially and they are all in his name.

I do all of those things because I'm at home, I absolutely could not sit on my arse all day whilst my husband is working. I absolutely do not aim to be a 1950's housewife but I don't see why my husband should do a long day and do everything because I haven't done it in the spare time I've had during the day.

If your DC sleeps 10 hrs a day she's seriously unreasonable! I could understand if she wants to use nursery time to catch up on sleep but that doesn't seem to be an issue.

My DC is younger and wakes up multiple times a night. I'm currently on parental leave so "sahm" if you will. I do all the meal plan, grocery shop, cooking (including my husband's work lunch and baby food). Chores and childcare are 50/50 when husband is home. I try to pick up the house when I can during the day but will be best endeavours depending on DC during the day (i.e. if he will be willing to play by himself for a bit, can take a longer nap). If I'm really tired that day, we can order takeout or reheat leftovers I have in the freezer which I try to have saved for emergencies. I would not be happy if my husband doesn't pull his weight or respect me enough to think about me.

Maybe your wife needs to learn some staple slow cooker recipes.

Im feeling very jealous of your wife 🤣 4 hours break a day, a husband who provides all financially and does the bulk of chores, meal planning, budgeting etc. All that and she only has one toddler to look after, who sleeps 10 hours at night! Yes she is taking the piss, why exactly is she so tired? Maybe she should see the doctor and see if she’s low on something, because if everything you have said is true her circumstances definitely are not causing her exhaustion.

OP, I also wouldn't share this post and our comments as a means to start a conversation with your wife.

I would be absolutely mortified if I was married and my husband did this. Keep this to yourself but of course hopefully there are perspectives on here to help guide your chat with her.

I'm 'low energy' in that I have boom or bust energy. I struggle managing my energy as I give it all to my toddler, when they are in nursery I 50% work 50% rest.
I have ND.
It's a battery drainer.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure your wives bitchy sisters opinion matters, she probably thinks you're a twat but nicely your DW hasn't passed that info on to you!

thanks for the additional good advice from
new posters. I think we should learn some simple recipes and get a slow cooker.
Also to see GP about tiredness.
@Pantaloons99 why would you not share the post? there is a range of views and I’m curious to hear my wife’s thoughts on families with SAHPs that do things differently. I have not been getting through to her very effectively up until
now

Forgot to say I decided to be a solo parent from the start because I wasn't going to be wearing a pinny and kitten heels for my hubby when I was a mother. I wanted to give my energy and time and love to the child, even if that meant sandwiches or ready meals for dinner.

Luckily I can afford to be solo, and avoid the micro-managing'D'H (I used to have one, so I know exactly what it's like!)