… to want more help from her?

[Dadwithquestion]

Long time lurker, first time poster.
Father to a young child. DW has always been clear that she wanted to be a SAHM when children were small, and I am supportive because my job involves irregular hours, and I want DC to have a parent at home.
However, as time goes by I have been picking up more and more of the responsibility for our family. Work is stressful and I also find myself doing most of the cooking, an equal share of household chores, and in my view an outsized share of the mental load (meal planning, budgeting and planning for our future, car maintenance, planning weekends, etc).
I’ve always been the “organised” one and DW has always been more spontaneous, but I thought that would change when we had children and she quit her job. She finds managing DC exhausting as nursery is currently only 4 hours a day, and thinks IABU to expect anything more from her.

So, the kids are in nursery despite her not working but she still feels that only four hours a day isn't enough downtime despite her watching films in the evening and 'chilling' while you cook and do the housework after a long day at work?

@Dadwithquestion even though this is anonymous, there is something about saying to your partner ' look what I asked and look what everyone said' that is incredibly intrusive and disrespectful and a huge boundary violation in my eyes. Some things really need to stay private. I would not react well at all if I had a partner that did that. You are not wrong to come on here btw. But showing your wife feels very underhanded and not a mature way of managing this situation.

I get the sense from this that your wife is potentially quite dominant and you may struggle to assert yourself with her? People will absolutely take advantage of that OP. I don't mean that to sound critical towards you. Is that potentially what his happening? She is treating you like a bit of a doormat because she thinks you will put up with it?

Just another possible perspective.

My thoughts are;

Spreadsheet showing leisure time for each of you.
If she's so tired she needs to go to the GP
You need to be clear that you can't afford take aways or a cleaner and if she wants those she'll have to get a part time job.
Actually she could look for evening work seeing as though you already do it all it won't add to your load.

She appears to be take the piss tbh. Not majorly but she's having a nice social life with her family and friends whilst you pick up the bulk of the work.

Don't have another until this is resolved.

Maybe she could find a full time but fairly non stressful job and just pay for another four hours of childcare that way? Some people are much happier and feel less isolated working.

If you don't have a slow cooker already, maybe invest in an instant pot. You can make curries in 30 mins and the beef will be tender. There should be plenty of recipe books for instant pot as well like pot roasts, ribs etc. Good luck!

@Pantaloons99 that’s a good point. I don’t (shouldn’t)need mumsnet to have this convo.

@RandomMess yes, there is a little bit of pisstaking but nothing major as you say. That’s why I have been reluctant to upset the peace over this. I can’t see her changing much and so there is limited upside to starting an argument.

@Dadwithquestion I agree with whoever said don't have baby number 2 right now. I don't think it's right you're worried about raising it because an argument will ensue. You are totally allowed to raise the situation and say kindly that from your perspective you think it's imbalanced.
If you can't raise this conversation with her through fear she will kick off then there's a problem.

I would just make sure that you won't be screwed in any way should anything happen in the relationship and you separate. I would say the same to any woman saying what you are saying.

@Dadwithquestion I've been thinking, and the only mitigating factors I can come up with that may excuse her apparent lack of effort/laziness are:

• she's already pregnant. I was knackered and definitely didn't want an evening meal. If she's not already pregnant make sure she stays that way until you resolve this though!
• you're regularly back after 8pm. By which point she'll presumably have done tea time, bath time and bed and be shattered, and have either have eaten already or just too tired to bother. In which case evening food is on you, but she can still help with some other stuff during the day.
• if you are regularly staying later at work/leaving for work earlier than expected or communicated. I felt very resentful towards my partner when this was happening, even though he was working hard. I felt like I was taken for granted at home and not even worth letting know the plan.

Best of luck, current situation is not sustainable so hope you get it sorted!

Oh for gods sake, she's taking the piss.

I'm a full time working single parent. I've had to pay for everything by myself, make all of our meals (everything cooked from scratch daily, I also made all baby food from scratch, batch cooked and froze), did 100% of the childcare mornings, evenings, weekends, managed all of the housework and managed all of the mental load.

What I would give for 4 hours a day to keep on top of the above, or someone to pay my bills and split the load with me.

She's taking the absolute piss....

If she's actually struggling to keep on top of the housework, point her in the direction of The Organised Mum Method. It's 30mins 5 days a week to stay on top of the house and there's downloadable checklists.

The other 3.5 hours she can prepare dinner and cross off some life admin jobs, it's really not that difficult.

This is interesting especially the pregnancy bit.

No, people don't have a personality transplant when they have a child. (See also: marriage). Sorry you've learnt that the hard way. She does sound lazy.