AIBU with rooms

[RFinley]

I need help figuring out if AIBU. We've got a 3 bed house, a 3 yr (f), a 5 yr (m) and an 19 yr (sd). 3 yr and 5 yr currently share a room, 19 yr has own room and splits time 50/50 between parents, so 3 nights week minimum at ours. We can't afford to move to a bigger house in the same area and we applied for planning for a double storey extension but it's looking like an extension is not going to be affordable or worth the cost for what the planning authority will grant . I also WFH full time and my desk is in our cramped bedroom. I've suggested instead that the younger children continue to share for the next 4 years or so, and that we build a small single storey extension or garden room onto the back of the house which will be an office. I've suggested that when sd turns 23/24 yrs shell be old enough not to have her own room and can have a day bed in the downstairs office to stay on when visiting, and kids at that point have own room. My husband is acting like I've suggested making sd homeless and that I'm an awful person. Really?! I moved out when I was 16 so maybe my perspective is influenced by that but I would not expect to maintain space for a bedroom for a grown up child in their 20s when we're desperate for space and I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest?

There is no sense in her having a room of her own which sits empty 50% of the time whilst the other four occupants are crammed into 2 bedrooms 100% of the time.

I think you just need to decide along with DH what is best. Garage conversion and get a concrete shed to store everything in (not a wooden shed) or, get extension started asap. That way, if SD stops staying over and one of other kids eventually want to move into extension ok. Either way you would have a room to WFH in sooner it's sorted the longer you have to make it nice and furnish it to make it cosy. Could you not have a corner in lounge to WFH in, presumably others are at nursery/ school/work in daytime.

Once an adult and living at home they should be contributing to the household. Go and continue studies or get a job otherwise she will be with you until you retire.

can you set up office in her room on days she’s not living there and so that should alleviate some pain. You are just leaving it empty while everyone suffers.

you might just have to be ruthless and get rid of stuff in loft and garage. If you haven’t used it in a year then will you ever use it again? What’s the point in keeping it? Make a photo album as you don’t need the physical item

you have 3 years before it really becomes a necessity - maybe another 18mths after that depending on your son really (Littlest one wouldn't be that bothered till around 8 but then son would be too old). My view would be she gets smallest room and sharers get next one up. My parents actually gave up the largest room for myself and my sister and had a smaller room for a while when we were cramped at home (6 kids 4 bed house) so that might also be an option. Some sort of garden office for you that is connected up. Alternatively are there any shared space offices near you - technically not at home but would be better than a commute in and you get internet etc (easily secured etc by someone in the know) could work short term. I would be making noises about returning to the office and meaning DH take on some of the "load" you will find that might sort things too...

If you put the small kids in the biggest room could you have a cupboard office in there?? so its shuttable to avoid kids in there. Small kids don't need alot in bedrooms really do that might work better with a decent desk chair and desk at right height. You are aware work should provide furniture etc??

@RFinley I'm not wanting to scare you lol but my stepson is 52 this year & hasn't left home yet! I doubt he ever will 🤦‍♀️ He's always worked & is perfectly healthy, just has no inclination to move out. And no, 52 isn't a typo unfortunately! 😣

Yanbu. Your opposite sex children will require separate rooms when the older one approaches puberty so in around five years time. It’s not like sd is being told there is nowhere for her to sleep! Your solution sounds perfectly reasonable and no an adult child should not expect a room to be kept exclusively for them for ever more .

I would get rid of the junk in your garage and convert that into a bedroom like your husband suggests.

I genuinely don't see why this decision needs to be made now. You can do a nice garden room that meets your working from home needs for now and is within budget. 3-4 years down the line, you can decide on bricks and morter extensions and what is affordable. Your younger child will be in school, so potentially your husband can have a bigger income. You may have changed jobs by then anyway.

Can't you use the 19 Yr olds room for an office especially when she's not there. Even if she is if it's during the day she can sit in the living room. You would just need to keep the work area tidy in boxes when she is there.

The idea of her potentially being aged 30 and still splitting her time 50:50 between her parents is ridiculous.

Your solution sounds perfect. Perhaps your husband could start a small savings pot so that he could give her something in a few years to help get on her own feet in a flatshare with friends or similar

I think you are being very fair and practical. Maybe your dsd will go to uni or move into a house share in next 4-5 years. Your DH is acting ridiculously.

have you thought about renting a desk in a shared office space? working at the library? build a small summer house / garden room just for your work? a fold down desk with high shelving for storing your work stuff in the living room?

The SD's room is a separate issue but you need to have a proper working space with chair and desk, and maybe you need to get away from the house, at least for part of the day.

If the garage is just for storage I would do it up and get a shed or two

I moved into a 2 bed flat when my son went to Uni, and so he doesn’t have a bedroom with me, but does have his own room at his dad’s 1 mile away. I have ended up on the sofa bed all summer as he doesn’t want to spend time at his dads for a host of reasons. I do feel bad he doesn’t have his own room, but he’s not bothered. It’s a lot harder for kids to get set up with their own place these days, but I don’t think your plan is unreasonable. I wouldn’t build an expensive extension and then she moves out a year later. I also wouldn’t be having a 19yr old not working or not in college, she needs to be doing something

Can’t she live with mom full time and visit you guys regularly?

What you could also do is have the F share a room and your DS gets DSD original room somewhere down the line. I'm sure your DD would love having an extra bed for having friends over etc anyway.

I'd hope by 24 DSD would potentially have her own place.

I personally wouldn't want my daughter sharing with her older brother at ages 3 and 5 nevermind when they are older.

I do see your husband's point of view. He wants her to feel she has a home and security there. What about clearing out and converting the loft which could be cost effective - since you are keeping the garage for storage? Either that or build a single-storey extension with an office and a bedroom (neither has to be huge; what's the width available across the back of the house?) but could still be cheaper than doing a two-storey.

Would you do that if she was your own child ?
I wouldn’t so same would go for. SC

Sorry if it’s been suggested. If you build a room outside for your office, could you build it big enough to house an office and a space for her?

I find it a bit sad that expectations for her are limited to still being in her childhood bedroom(s) in the family home(s) in her mid-twenties. No moving away to uni, or getting a job she can rent a room on, or moving in with a partner.

I came home for a family event three weeks after leaving for uni at 18. My bedroom had become my brother’s and the little box room he’d been in was much needed storage! Perfectly reasonable, the space was required. If I needed a place to kip I was welcome to the sofa. Learned to stand on my own two feet - including working really hard to pay rent in an expensive city.

I wonder if you would have the same thoughts if she were your own daughter. Don't compare your experiences with what you expect of SD, life is very difficult for youngsters these days.

On reflection I side with your DH. It’s great to actually hear about a divorced father fully wanting to be engaged in his child’s upbringing past the minimum age allowed in law.
You do sound reasonable, so I’m not having a pop, however we keep hearing about this generation leaving school now really suffering with anxiety, less maturity etc and she has the added difficulty of living between two families both of whom have moved on with young children.
This has become an immediate issue because you decided to take a wfh position without there being anywhere viable for you to wfh, not that there should be any finger pointing for that choice.

Other posters have pointed out the high percentages of young people living at home due to saving for house deposits or straight after Uni as they find their feet. I honestly think parents should expect this now for a certain amount of time (not 52!). It is also not your SD’s fault both sets of parents decided to have multiple extra children and space has become limited.
There are solutions, go for the extension which makes you all comfortable and adds value to your property, build into the attic, get the garage demolished and rebuilt to suit your needs, add a garden room/pod or rent a cheap workspace close by.
Some may deem it reasonable to expect your SD to sleep on a pull down in an office which must not be personalised and which must be vacated to suit your work schedule but it’s not going to make her feel particularly wanted or valued in reality.
Put all the stuff in storage if it must be kept and get better in-house storage solutions to make life less cluttered for the whole family.
What did strike me the most is that SD is floundering as to her next steps - surely her parents (& you if you have time/are willing) should be helping her negotiate her way to a good decision. Many of my friends, myself included, have had to put a lot of time into helping our children find work or suitable Uni places. They seem unduly anxious of Uni life and scared of debt, being stabbed in big Cities etc.
If her dad can help her get set up she’ll likely become more independent quicker too.

Does your DH expect his DD to continue splitting her week as an adult? that usually tapers off late teens with work, study etc
Why is she not working or studying? sounds like she's very immature and he isn't doing anything to encourage independence.

I'd suggest to your husband that you build the extension and in 4 or 5 years time, your son uses it at night. You'll be using it as an office during the day so it'll be totally his after school, and if you have a pull down bed, that will make enough space for both of you. The important thing is that you need a workspace now.

When it comes to it, in 4 or 5 years time, you may agree all round that SD would be better in there!

Another alternative would be to totally replace the garage with a pod (my neighbours have done this, it's totally insulated and fab), use half for an office and put the bike in it, and a bed for SD.

An even more wild suggestion would be to join a David Lloyd club if there is one nearby and work from there as I see the same faces working from there every time I go - they have workdesk stations and internet, plus you get a gym to use!