AIBU with rooms

[RFinley]

I need help figuring out if AIBU. We've got a 3 bed house, a 3 yr (f), a 5 yr (m) and an 19 yr (sd). 3 yr and 5 yr currently share a room, 19 yr has own room and splits time 50/50 between parents, so 3 nights week minimum at ours. We can't afford to move to a bigger house in the same area and we applied for planning for a double storey extension but it's looking like an extension is not going to be affordable or worth the cost for what the planning authority will grant . I also WFH full time and my desk is in our cramped bedroom. I've suggested instead that the younger children continue to share for the next 4 years or so, and that we build a small single storey extension or garden room onto the back of the house which will be an office. I've suggested that when sd turns 23/24 yrs shell be old enough not to have her own room and can have a day bed in the downstairs office to stay on when visiting, and kids at that point have own room. My husband is acting like I've suggested making sd homeless and that I'm an awful person. Really?! I moved out when I was 16 so maybe my perspective is influenced by that but I would not expect to maintain space for a bedroom for a grown up child in their 20s when we're desperate for space and I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest?

I would go for an extension now that's your office and a day bed. She could help decorate it. The garage really doesn't sound like a sensible option but something to give you good working conditions is really important.

I think he's being very unreasonable. Mid 20's is more than old enough to have moved out, and if not to at least give way in priority to the kids approaching their teens; all three kids need privacy but she will be the only one who is an adult and therefore able to obtain her own privacy, the younger kids have no choice.

Our garage is an out building with no heating, electricity, mice and a plastic roof covered in mould.

Sounds cosy!.. and at least she'd have some company in there! 😂

I understand his reluctance, he always wants her to feel like she has a home with you and if she doesn't have her own space/bedroom there she may make alternative arrangements and he'd feel guilty feeling like he's forced her out to make room for his new family. That's no reflection on you in the slightest, but broken homes often create a lot of guilt.

I think you do have to bear that in mind, as it could lead to resentment if she essentially chooses to leave based on not having a bedroom anymore, but what I meant on my post was, if this is 3-4 years away, why not just build the garden room for your needs now, and ask SD what she would like to happen in a couple of years when the little ones are too old to share?

Surely she is the best person to ask, rather than you and DH disagreeing over hypothetical situations and trying to create solutions to a problem that may not even exist.

Things can change so much in 5 years. I'd go ahead and build the office now and leave the youngest to share then go to the day bed plan in a few years time (she may have moved out anyway so not worth the argument now).

Do the expansion you can afford now. Make sure you're open to compromise and fair discussion with your husband about the various options (make sure he feels like you're not dismissing the value of having a space for his DD), but I wouldn't prioritize a private bedroom for a mid-twenties child over the financial stability of your family. Most 24 year-olds' lives look very different than they did at 19.

This is always a polarizing topic on MN, but IMO providing housing for adult children is something that's wonderful for parents to do if they're in a good position to do so, but not something adults should expect from their parents.To me it isn't much different than buying a teen a car or paying part of their rent as an adult. If your DH is worried about your DSD not having enough help, look into setting aside a monthly amount into savings to help her with a deposit on her own rental in a few years.

As a child of a blended family and a stepmother to teens with a 50/50 time split, I strongly recommend ignoring the 50/50 time split and all "well she can go stay with her mum" or "our children are here full time so they have priority" lines of discussion. That easily leads to a teen feeling deprioritized in both homes. Try to just approach this as you would if your DSD was your 19 yo DD living with you full time.

It's such a difficult situation, she could end up feeling in the way in both homes in a few years time. In an ideal world it's actually a conversation both her parents should be having jointly.

Instead of an extension, why not buy a garden office building. We have one with electric etc connected and when not in use doubles as a garden room/summer house. It could also be a bedroom for SD, assuming you have the garden space of course.

I’m sorry but at 19 yo with no interest in working without solid plans to go to uni I’m not surprised you don’t want this to carry on for 10+ years. I think parents don’t do their kids any favours by indulging them. Yes support them to reach goals but not in doing nothing. I think it gets harder the longer it goes on and the gap between an individual and their peers just gets bigger.

I had a job from 14 and moved out at 16 so I might be skewed. My 14 yo had a part time summer job though so maybe takes after me. my dc know that there is an expectation of work / uni after school.

Going against the grain here, but at 23 I was still in college, coming home every weekend and for all holidays. I then lived at home when I got my first permanent job. I didn't move out until 2 years after I had a permanent job, so mid-late 20s. I would've hated to have been booted onto a day bed.

I think that’s fine as a longer term plan but I can see why your DH doesn’t want to set that in stone. I’d be very surprised if at 23/24 she was still coming 50:50; even if she doesn’t have her one place then I’d expect she’d want to be settled the majority of the time in one place

I'd do the office now as you need it. Re visit the bedroom situation in 3 years time. Sdd may have moved out. You may c
Have Changed jobs

Why not just reassess the situation in a few years, chances are the older child will visit less / move out without needing a formal plan around it.

I think it's a bit harsh to set a deadline personally, after all you guys chose to have more kids knowing you didn't have enough space if you consider it from another perspective.

As a compromise could you put a desk in the older child's room and use that as a wfh space on the days they aren't visiting?

I understand your position, and I don't think you are being deliberately unkind to SD or anything, but in honesty I would side with your husband here. For me it will always be a priority for my child to have a dedicated room at my house, even when she is an adult, which is hers to use as and when and move back into fully if she needs to.

I say this as someone who has, as an adult, had to move back in with my mom and dad at quite short notice on a couple of occasions, due to relationship breakdown. It made those tricky times in my life so much easier, knowing that there was a room for me always there - and they still have one for me, and one for my brother (his is also available for my daughter) even tho I am nearly 50!

Of course people have to downsize sometimes, or other needs arise, and financially this may just be impossible in some cases.

But I would prioritise it over a lot of other things.....

Could she have a room that also functions as a hot-desk type space for you to work in when she is not there?

Ultimately, it's your husband's home as well, and it doesn't really matter what Mumsnetters think - if your husband feels strongly his view is as valid as yours.

Out of interest (and no judgement here at all) what is your relationship like with SD. I ask because, if it's rocky, this could appear personal to her, even tho it really isnt.

Remove the 'step' element from the situation and ask yourself the same question. Would you be happy for that to be our own child's situation at that age?

I have no step children just two of my own. If I was in your position, at 23/24 I would do the same.

To be fair though, I moved out at 18 for uni. My room got turned into a spare room for guests that I got to use IF I came home for the summer and 'officially' moved out at 20. By 23/24 I'd hope my children where living in shared houses / their own places if they could afford it for the experiences that I had/went though. There is so much to be said for living independently in shared houses etc at that age and experiencing that before finding your feet.

Your WFH solution needs prioritising, then the bedrooms. Have you looked at garden pods? My sister got something called a Hully pod that is just craned into situ, fully insulated with electrics etc for £5k but they start at £2k ish. You could get two and SD has her own garden room? It would be much cheaper than an extension and they're quite pretty.

hullypods.com/

It sounds like you are trying to come up with reasonable comprimises. I have 2 older step sons. 24 and 20 now. When they were younger they always had their own room (shared) . We had one spare so wasn't as difficult a situation for us. But now they are older, oldest in the army, and 20yr old in uni, their 'room' isnt really theirs anymore. Like yes, it's a bedroom, but it's used as a spare room for anyone rather than it being just theirs. At that age they are hardly around, always either working or with friends lol. Sounds like with the way you are thinking your sd would still have a place to sleep when or IF she chooses to stay over night when she is in her 20s. Maybe he just feels bad at the idea of her not having her "own space" which I do kinda get. At the same time though I think these things naturally change over time. Not the best idea trying to make future plans with men ! 🤣 but the plans you are making in your head, I suspect, will just naturally happen over time ..not many girls go and stay at their dads house for the weekend by the time they reach their 20s...or even at mums for that matter 🤣

That sounds fine. She may well be living with mates or a bf/gf by that time anyway.
As long as the sofa bed thingy is fairly comfortable and she can treat that room as her own when she's there. So she will still get personal space.
If you talk to her about it I'm sure she'll be fine. But it doesn't even need bringing up for a couple of years really.
The new extension room will be appealing and novel so she's bound to be pleased to have use of it on her days with you.

Rather than a day bed there are pull down beds she can use. So it becomes her bedroom when she is there and you relocate . It's her house as much as it is your children's.

Sounds absolutely fine. I'd make sure the room is set up well to be turned into a room and be prepared if she wants to leave a partner or something that it may be used as her room for the medium term.

You can't put her in a pod in the garden

I don’t think you are unreasonable as you are looking ahead to 4 years time and she could have decided to move out by then anyway. However we all know it is not as easy for young adults to move out now as it was when many of us were younger.

I suppose the problem here for your DSD is that her mother may be facing the same dilemma and she loses both rooms! I would let her know that she will always have a place in the home so that she feels secure but ultimately a lot can change in 4 years and the dilemma may naturally be taken out of your hands.

Have you thought about a garden room? They can be big enough for an office, bedroom and small toilet and shower. Your sd would probably love having her own place in a way and you could still use it as your office. Cheaper than an extension too.

There is no easy answer but just curious what you’d do if this was an older, joint child who lived with you full time.
In my experience she would, at some stage, be asked to share with her younger, same sex sibling. The age gap does complicate things but many children are expected to share a room with siblings.

The other option is a pull out bed in your dd room once the youngest are too young to share with maybe a privacy divider.
I have no idea what your room sizrs are like, but could this be done with the largest besroom or second largest?
This is what I did for my step child who stayed with us 3 days a week. As my children were 8 years apart and lived with us full time.

I literally made a tiny space that was devided off with ikea shelving which also acted as storage. Then a single day bed/sofa bed

YANBU
ive just moved house due to a bereavement
which meant it was smaller so my 19 nearly 20 year old son who is at uni is on the sofa when he comes home now ,we spend a lot of time in the kitchen and dining room anyway
if he wants to sleep if he’s hungover etc in he gets in my bed.
What you are proposing is perfectly fine.