Hen do/stag do

[whattodohelp1]

2 of our best friends are getting married next August.

No children allowed, my DD will be 3 and my Mum is having her for the day and night so that's sorted.

We struggled with infertility, miscarriages and took 4 years to conceive DD with some help.

We decided that we'd like a second baby but didn't hold out much hope and agreed we are happy if we are only meant to ever have DD so we've not been preventing.

To my absolute shock, I fell pregnant the 2nd month of not preventing and I'm now 9 weeks.

I've already paid £200 towards hen do and have another £300 to pay before the end of this month (abroad hen do, I know it's a lot of money but we've been best friends for 15 years so thought it would be lovely to have a 5 day villa trip abroad with all of the girls and a break from being Mum). Baby will be due a month before hen do so all being well at 12 week scan, I won't be going.

I don't know what to do, if I pay £300 and the worst happens at 12 weeks or before, I've lost £500 and if I tell the organiser that I'm pregnant and won't be able to go, I put the cost up for everyone else.

DH is best man and the stag do is actually the week I'm due so he's told the organiser he won't be going but also said that IF the worst happens he will sort out his own flights and pay in towards accommodation.

What do I do? Tell organiser now so she can prep everyone for the extra cost? Or do I keep quiet until 12 weeks when we are in the "safe zone" (I know that this isn't always the case but would feel a lot more reassured reaching 12 weeks that it'll be okay).

I've told my best friend that I'm pregnant but she's got no idea what is planned, how much it's costing, that we are going abroad for 5 days. I think she assumes we are doing a night or two at a spa hotel from what she's getting at.

Help! What do I do? Pull out now officially? Or wait a few weeks, pay the £300 and suck the £500 loss up if I have to pull out?

"I don't know what to do, if I pay £300 and the worst happens at 12 weeks or before, I've lost £500 and if I tell the organiser that I'm pregnant and won't be able to go, I put the cost up for everyone else. "

Sorry I meant, if everything is okay I've lost £500*

Just pull out now, no point losing more money. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Talk to the organiser and explain the situation. You need to wait for your scan and can't commit until then. Might there be some leeway on the payment date?

Congratulations! Sounds like you've already committed to the money if the others will have to pay more if you drop out? So regardless I think the £500 is gone as you can't expect the others to pay more if you can no longer go if you've committed to that cost. I always collect full amount before booking group holidays for this reason! If they can recoup some of the money if there are less people I'd drop out now and see what you can book nearer the time if necessary, but hopefully you won't be able to go!

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I would just pull out now .The last thing you need during your pregnancy is fretting about this which, compared to your unborn child, is relatively unimportant .

I would either pull out now so everyone can make a decision on the payment of the balance/changing plans slightly to make it more affordable or just pay and then see if another friend could go in your place and reimburse you? You might lose a name change fee or similar on a flight but that’ll be nothing compared to £500.

The main thing is try not to stress out, your friends will understand and the most important thing is you and your baby! Congratulations!

Is there nobody that could replace you?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. IMO you have to pay the £300 now regardless purely for the reason it's unfair to expect others to pay more.

It depends if the £300 is being shared between ten then the increase in costs isn’t that bad.

but if it was shared between 4 then it’s a lot to make up

at the end of the day you are in the wrong here and even though it’s for a wonderful reason it’s not their problem- it really is your issue and actually I don’t think they should have to pay your costs at all

Speak to the organiser, obviously some of the money is flights which yeah you have to suck up. What is your actual contribution to the villa? Did this include stuff like food or drink too? I went to a big house style hen and what we paid also covered food and drink. So what your actually contributing to the villa may be less then just pay that

Personally I feel you have already committed to the hen and therefore cannot expect others to pay more.
unfortunately, not thinking you would get pregnant this quick is not really a problem for others.
congratulations by the way!
I had a bridesmaid who fell pregnant and believe me it was so much more stressful than it needed to be.

Personally I would pay the money regardless as I committed up front- ie they got a villa for a certain number of people and may have got somewhere different/invited someone else otherwise.
Huge congratulations though op.

I think since it's so early in the planning and no moneys have been paid yet you can pull out and not pay the £300. It's a lot of money to pay out of politeness and with a baby on the way I'm sure you could use it. I expect if your best friend knew she absolutely wouldn't want you to pay £300 if you didn't need to, I know I wouldnt.
Maybe you can try to think of a replacement?
If the worst happens (and at this point there's no reason to think it will (🤞🏼🤞🏼) then you can see if you can add on. If you can't then maybe plan a weekend stay local for you and shout friend. You could do that if all goes well and you can't go.
Congratulations on the pregnancy, I think this needs to be your priority and try not to worry too much about the hen do. It's important yes and in a perfect world you could just pay it and see but I don't think you need to.
Good luck with everything 🥰

And if a couple more pull out for perfectly reasonable reasons? No its not fair on the rest of them. They will have budgeted accordingly. This wasn’t a deposit, it was a part payment.
its really unfair to put the organiser in that position.

fo you know whether the flights have been booked yet? If not, I think it would be reasonable not to pay they bit of the cost, but I think you need to pay for your fair share of the villa and anything else that someone else has already booked and will have to pay for.

As an aside.. I definitely recommend booking a private scan, I think it’s around 6/7 weeks they can detect a heartbeat and give a good indication of how well things are going, hopefully this will ease some of your fears waiting for another 3-4 weeks!

Congrats on your pregnancy, hope all goes well for you. I would pull out now and accept the 200 loss. But not pay the rest as I wouldn't be going. It's not as though you've just decided not to go, you will not be in a position to attend. If you've been friends for that long, I'm assuming they know a bit of your struggles so will be happy for you

Unfortunately that's a risk of booking in a group, that far in advance. Id pull out now and perhaps some one else can take your place, but regardless I'd not pay any more...

Congratulations

you need to pay the balance. Its not fair on the others to pay more

I'd pay for my share of the villa I don't think it's fair on the others having to pay more because you've pulled out. What if others need to pull out for whatever reason, the people going can't be expected to cover everyone pulling out. Its already expensive enough without having to covers others share. Congrats on your pregnancy.

Tell your friend, spaces are often limited to be practical so she might decide to invite someone else.

And congratulations!!

I think a pp nailed it-it depends on how many others there are. Only a few then it’s not their problem and they shouldn’t have to pay more because you’re unable to go. If there are 10, it isn’t so awful. Congratulations and fingers crossed for the scan!

I pulled out of my cousins hen do because of a baby and they didn’t refund my money, I even asked if there was anyone else who could take my place eg another friend. However there wasn’t. Hopefully your friends are nicer than my family and will have empathy for you and refund your money but don’t count on it.

I disagree. They could probably invite someone else to take the share and the birth of a baby is more important than a 5 day binge holiday.