Hen do/stag do

[whattodohelp1]

2 of our best friends are getting married next August.

No children allowed, my DD will be 3 and my Mum is having her for the day and night so that's sorted.

We struggled with infertility, miscarriages and took 4 years to conceive DD with some help.

We decided that we'd like a second baby but didn't hold out much hope and agreed we are happy if we are only meant to ever have DD so we've not been preventing.

To my absolute shock, I fell pregnant the 2nd month of not preventing and I'm now 9 weeks.

I've already paid £200 towards hen do and have another £300 to pay before the end of this month (abroad hen do, I know it's a lot of money but we've been best friends for 15 years so thought it would be lovely to have a 5 day villa trip abroad with all of the girls and a break from being Mum). Baby will be due a month before hen do so all being well at 12 week scan, I won't be going.

I don't know what to do, if I pay £300 and the worst happens at 12 weeks or before, I've lost £500 and if I tell the organiser that I'm pregnant and won't be able to go, I put the cost up for everyone else.

DH is best man and the stag do is actually the week I'm due so he's told the organiser he won't be going but also said that IF the worst happens he will sort out his own flights and pay in towards accommodation.

What do I do? Tell organiser now so she can prep everyone for the extra cost? Or do I keep quiet until 12 weeks when we are in the "safe zone" (I know that this isn't always the case but would feel a lot more reassured reaching 12 weeks that it'll be okay).

I've told my best friend that I'm pregnant but she's got no idea what is planned, how much it's costing, that we are going abroad for 5 days. I think she assumes we are doing a night or two at a spa hotel from what she's getting at.

Help! What do I do? Pull out now officially? Or wait a few weeks, pay the £300 and suck the £500 loss up if I have to pull out?

Congratulations!! I think in your situation I’d forfeit the £500 and explain why you can’t go. I’ve had to organise two hen do’s and it’s so difficult. All I learnt from the experience was to provide lots of options and make it affordable. I’d never want to organise an expensive do abroad, and I think once this was agreed - as a group - the chance has gone to financially pull out, whether it be due to illness or family circumstances.

I'd have a quiet chat with the organiser and see if there is anyone else can be invited to take your place.

I think, given the £500 payments were agreed on all of the group going, you should pay the money... people will have expected that to be the cost without it increasing and budgeted accordingly.

It might be that once paid and you cant go, someone else is able to take you place and you get all of your money back but for now, I'd pay so you dont have the stress and concentrate on your pregnancy.

Baby comes first. Being honest and up front comes second. Look after yourself and make sure your friend knows a.s.a.p. so she can rearrange. If she kicks off, she is not really your friend and you won't have lost anything. If she is a good egg, she will be delighted at your news and be sorry you can't make it.

Whilst it is a shame you lost your money, how would refunding you have impacted everyone else? Would they have ended up having to cover the cost of refunding you?

I dint think its always as simple as people "lacking empathy" in these situations...more so that often these big group events end up costing the remaining attenders money if one pulls out and wants their money back.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, hope everything goes smoothly and your DH and older DC are supportive.

Politely decline now.

You've made a commitment to pay and should do so. It's unfair to expect others to suck it up.

Best option is to see if someone else can take your place.

I would pull out now. Explain to the organiser. As a compromise maybe offer to pay half of the £300. Then they can split the remaining £150.

You are both going to save money by not going to the wedding, so I agree that you should still offer the £500. But speak to them and see if there's someone who can take your place.

It’s not a deposit for a holiday that will be cancelled if you don’t go… it’s a part payment for a commitment you’ve already made. Lovely news about your pregnancy, but I think you’re still on the hook for the £300.

I think you have to pay & hope they can replace you & refund.

Has your husband lost any money on the stag do?

Will you still be going to the wedding?

There’s probably someone else on that hen party, struggling with infertility or recent pregnancy loss, about to be told they need to pay another £50 because OP is pregnant.

Drop out whenever you like, but don’t make other people pay for it.

Think how it would be to be the organiser.

In your shoes I'd pay and keep quiet until 12 weeks. You might not be going on holiday but you're paying to protect your reputation and for an easy life.

It's going to be impossible to go to the wedding and look people in the eye if they have had to pay extra to cover you so I'd pay the extra to avoid the stress because that's the last thing you need.

I know you aren't making an excuse but I'm sure at least 1 or 2 will have a change of heart between now and then. Xx

Talk to the organiser, as they will be able to let you know what has already been paid and what hasn’t. For example, some of the £500 I’d imagine will be flights, accommodation etc which might have already been paid. Some of it might be for activities that they’ve budgeted but not actually booked yet, some will be a contribution to food/drinks which wouldn’t have been paid yet, etc.

There could well be costs that can be covered by the £200 you’ve already paid and not end up increasing everyone else’s contribution.

The fact that the additional £300 hasn’t been paid yet suggests that there are costs that haven’t been paid yet by the organiser, because I can’t imagine she would have covered everyone for everything already. So the £200 that’s already been paid has probably secured the big bits, which you’ll probably have to say goodbye to, but the rest might be ok.

So talk to her, as that’s the only way you’ll know how to move forward. I don’t know how good friends you are with her, but come at it from a perspective of wanting to find a fair solution so as not to get her back up - organising a hen do (especially a big abroad one) can be really stressful and you don’t want her initial reaction to be negative.

On another note, I understand you’re nervous about your pregnancy, but please try to focus on the positive, and not exert too much energy on worrying about a negative outcome. There are some brilliantly supportive threads over on the pregnancy forums!

In your shoes I'd pay and keep quiet until 12 weeks.

I agree that there's no need to say anything yet.

The money needs paying either way & a couple of weeks(?) after that for the scan won't matter imo.

I mean if you've paid you could wait even past the 12wks to tell them you can't go.

Pay what you’re owed to the organiser. Say nothing and lose the £500.
you committed, albeit not expecting to fall pregnant so you’re due the £500 imo.

I had similar for a trip and paid the lot. I was very lucky that someone took my place and they paid me some money back.

@Flossyts yes I appreciate that and it is unfair on the others, but this is a good enough reason I think for her to not have to worry about that. The organiser should have asked for a non refundable deposit when people confirmed their place, to avoid this situation. If it were £50 I might think differently but £300 is a stupid amount of money to pay for something you knowingly most likely won't.be going on.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I would back out now and lose the £200 but I would absolutely not be paying anything further. It’s unfortunate for everyone else if the cost needs to be absorbed by them but really not your problem, they can either invite someone else or book a smaller villa/alternative accommodation. You’ve mentioned “all of the girls” which sounds like a large enough group, so £300 between the group doesn’t sound like it would be too much, whereas £300 for you could buy a lot of essentials for your new arrival.

I’d speak to the organiser, but in fairness I would offer the cost. It’s down to the organiser how they want to respond to that, it would be nice of them to say no, but understandable if they felt they had to accept in order to continue the plans.
In my opinion the plans were accepted by you all and it’s not on them that you’ve got to pull out. It’s just one of those things and you’d still save money by not attending

Why do you think each attendee should pay an additional x to pay for a baby that doesn’t belong to them?
if someone else pulls out because they have a miscarriage and another pulls out because they lost their job should the others pay for them too?
its an awful position to out the organiser in.

They’re not paying anything towards “a baby that doesn’t belong to them” - what OP decides to use that £300 is irrelevant. Had OP never said that she was going in the first place, that £300 would have been their responsibility anyway as the cost would have been divided between X instead of Y. So they can either lump it and accept the new cost, find someone else, or switch to a different accommodation if paying £300 between them really isn’t feasible.
if multiple people were to pull out then I would say a villa option is probably no longer financiallly viable for those remaining and they would need to look an an alternative or an apartment instead.

It really is 100% her "problem" and not the problem of the others. Very selfish attitude.

Either way, regardless of the reason why you won't be going, I think the expectation will be that you'll have to pay the balance, everyone agreed a place and price and committed to it, so if you don't pay it'll bump up the cost for everyone else, which I can't see them being happy about, regardless of the reason why...

When you agreed to go you agreed to the full amount. You need to now pay that wether you go or not. The person organising it will probably have the booking reserved on their credit card and the villa could be non refundable so it’s not as if they can just change to a smaller place because your not coming. Putting your costs onto other people who could have been scrimping and saving to afford to go is completely unfair and will make you very unpopular. To the people on here saying it’s not your problem, they have clearly never been the organiser and are very selfish.

I had a scan on Thursday just gone and baby is measuring 5 days behind with a slow heart rate so have a repeat scan next Thursday. I had lots of private scans with my DD because of my anxiety and can't let myself go back there. Xx