To think this folder name on DP's laptop is dodgy?

[nonfictionaddict]

A little while ago, DP was on his laptop, sat to my left. He rarely uses it so this was the first log in in ages (as far as I know). I saw on the bottom left hand side of the desktop screen a folder that I read as being named Tiny Boys.
He then clicked on a web browser so quickly I didn't have time to re-read and double check.

However, I was in that moment almost 100% that is what it said. I keep trying to think what else it could have said even if I mistakenly read that and I can't seem to come up with any answers.

I froze in the moment and couldn't ask, which I regret so much now- I felt v. shaken and confused, but then also mentally reasoned that it could be a folder with pictures of his to boys when they were little, maybe, as I had mentioned to him he should save pics of his boys in case he lost his phone. His boys are 11 and 14, but he has tons of pics on his phone of them when little, and they are his world. He literally lives for them.

However, it has been on my mind almost daily since. Why 'Tiny Boys' as a name and not 'The Boys'? I haven't been able to talk to any friends about it as understandably the implications if worse case scenario don't bear thinking about.

So, with my mind going over this and still not sure what to do/say/think, about a week ago, DP went on his laptop near me again, and there was no sign of the folder! So he has somwhow deleted or hidden it, which sent alarm bells off, as if it was innocent, surely he's leave it on his desktop?

I don't know how to raise this with him- on the one hand if there is nothing to hide I look like a monster for thinking there could be something nefarious about something so innocent.
On the other hand, what if he denies or says it's completely innocent when it isn't? Then I will never know even if the folder was dodgy, and he has pictures of boys on his laptop.
Everything is password protected, no I don't know passwords etc. Phone is facial recognition. I can't get into his laptop.

I was thinking of asking him if he has started saving pics of the boys yet, and see what he says. If he says no, then it means that folder has nothing to do with his kids.
I also keep wondering if there was any chance I misread the title of the folder, but I am almost 100% sure that is what it said, in the moment. But then again I know that the brain can play tricks. I am backwards and foreards in my mind every day with this. I feel so scared of asking him.

Please help, I am making myself sick with worry and stress over this and what to say to him about it.

Do you have other reasons to be suspicious about your DP?
Just seems you immediately assumed the worst case scenario.

I remember my colleague laughing about this before. One of his sons was in a running club and he kept all of his kid’s track data saved and had the folder named after the boys running club until he realised that the folder name looked fierce dodgy without context. As others have said I can’t see this to be anything sinister and I’m surprised that that was your first thought.

Better reports then:

https://www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/news/nca-responds-to-final-report-by-independent-inquiry-into-child-sexual-abuse-iicsa

https://news.npcc.police.uk/releases/vkpp-launch-national-analysis-of-police-recorded-child-sexual-abuse-and-exploitation-csae-crimes-report-2022

Unfortunately we also got bitten - DH's best friend turned out to be a sex offender, downloading indecent images of children - mostly boys - and mostly videos of babies being raped. DH went into actual medical shock on finding out, it was just horrific all round. And his wife is standing by him... She's been groomed by him too.

DH knew him for 25yrs. Hadn't a clue. They were on ship together through some very tough times. Tbh I always thought the guy was gay, but didn't see this coming and I've worked in the arena for many years.

@ButtSurgery - A friend of mine was a social worker and she said you'd be shocked at how common it is, sadly. She left social work due to what she learned as it caused ptsd.
Similarly to you, I know someone who took back her partner. Was a total surprise to all as well.

Last weekend I read a Guardian article about the same, the police came knocking, which was the first the wife learned that he had downloaded images. She also took him back. I couldn't if I were any of those women.

I have had past trauma related to men and male family members in my life, which perhaps will always make me more suspicious of men, unfortunately.
Hence the need for outside perspectives as my mind will jump to worst case scenarios as a trauma response.

I find it rather strange that you have jumped to the conclusion that these are unsavoury pictures rather than the rather more obvious one that they were either pictures of boys when they were tiny, or simply that you misread the folder name.

Is there a particular reason for this?

I was surprised myself that some women take back these men. We had close friends whose DH abused his own daughter and was using her to groom another friends daughter (thankfully he was arrested before anything happened). She seemed in denial. He went to prison and she kept in contact. She was told in no uncertain terms that if she continued a relationship with him she’d loose the kids. That’s the only reason she divorced the disgusting pig.

The most frustrating thing about these "I've seen something weird on DHs phone /laptop" threads is that you have access to the device to check it yourself when he's not around. We don't. For love of God have a look yourself before confronting him because if it's dodgy he will just lie then delete evidence.

Get on his laptop. Go to my PC. In the top right corner there's a search box. Type in

• tiny (no spaces) and * everything named that will come up. Also try boy. Don't try the whole phrase as if you make a typo it won't find it. You need the asterisk followed by the phrase you're looking for.

It is password protected; I don't have access.

Gah mumsnet formatted my post. It's * tiny
aka asterisk tiny.

Is it his laptop or a work one? I have access to my partners because I use it for various things that my old laptop can't manage. He also has nothing to hide.

If its his personal laptop ask if you can use it and see his reaction. That will tell you a lot.

Honestly I'd wait until he popped to the loo and just search. There's no way I couldn't know the truth.

I'm sure someone accessing abuse material would be pretty diligent in trying to hide such images. Most paedos you hear of use encryption, have secret devices, secret memory sticks or whatever, or use the DW. Nobody would ever just openly have that on their desktop? And to call the folder that so explicitly?
I'm almost certain it's just baby pics.
But just ask him to see them.

I haven't rtft but sort of working in this field, you can't just download illicit images of children without your internet provider flagging it to the relevant authorities. It takes a while for them to turn up, but they do, and usually at 5am.
File sharing is possible, but he would need specific software on the laptop to do that and again, this is monitored by undercover people. Not 100% that everyone is caught, but I wouldn't want to chance it!
People who are into this stuff are good at hiding what they're doing. But it's often a compulsion so there could be more signs. Not always of course.

It could just be his porn habits (not 'just' but hopefully ykwim) or his poor choice of naming a folder for his sons. It's moved if he's tidying it up for actual use?

Personally, I'd play the long game and ask to use the laptop at a later date.

You’re absolutely certain you didn’t misread it and it was ‘the boys?’

Good point!! Though I was certain it wasn't 'The' at the time, I am aware the brain can play tricks easily/misread

Not if they used tor (Isp provider flagging)

you have come to a strange conclusion
what led you there?

Ok, so this is good to know- that authorities are aware if indecent images are being downloaded etc. and it is flagged. That is a relief.

I just really really hope it's a poor but innocent choice of name for a folder. I hate that my mind, in its trauma informed response, has said 'yes but what if it isn't innocent?'

I also wondered if the title may have referred to 'twinks', the gay term for young (say 18yr old) and slim looking guys.
Our sex life isn't the best. Peaks and troughs. He struggles with erections and I have often felt he doesn't seem to have much lust towards me, though he does go through patches where he is better and able to be physical without assitance.

I didn't know he was using viagra almost every time we had sex until we were together over a year. This also perhaps has not helped, as I have felt he was hiding his true self, as well as being devastating to my self esteem.

Lots of possible explanations I think. But it’s odd you immediately assumed the worse and didn’t ask in the moment. Gut instinct maybe? I hope it’s not what you fear.

I am wondering this myself- is my gut picking up on something I am not aware of, or is it due to past trauma?

I really don't know. Past trauma definitely won't have helped. A poster above asked if gut instinct. Is my gut picking up on something? Or am I so affected by past events that I am jumping to such a conclusion?

I didn't know he was using viagra almost every time we had sex until we were together over a year. This also perhaps has not helped, as I have felt he was hiding his true self, as well as being devastating to my self esteem.

i dont have much to add that’s not been covered but I did feel compelled to address this.

erectile dysfunction is a medical issue.

if you used lubricant due to vaginal dryness, or an oestrogen gel privately, how would you feel if your husband accused you of hiding your true self and devastating his self esteem?

I hadn't seen it this way but you are right. Thank you

I think your gut reaction is telling you something. Especially your later comment about twinks. I think you should ask for a loan of his laptop for a few hours as yours is in the computer shop, make it a Sunday or something when he’s not working so he can’t avoid it

It could have been misread and it was called Tidy Boys (record label).

Is he into dance music?

unless your husband is profoundly stupid, like to the point where he struggles to function on a day to day basis, he does not have a folder of images of child sexual abuse on his DESKTOP titled ‘tiny boys’.

Why would someone who had illegal and abusive photos of children title the name of the folder they keep those images in with something so obvious. I think your bigger problem here is that you seem to believe your husband is capable of something so horrific. I know with absolute certainty that my partner wouldn't, otherwise I wouldn't be with him.