To feel annoyed when he tries to compare my achievements with himself?

[PrueHal]

My partner is a professor at a university. He's a wonderful guy but occasionally has the ego to go with it I have to say.

I have a full time job and I'm a creative writer. Over the last 10 years I've had several short stories published and my first novel is out on submission which is very exciting.

Sometimes, if I mention something that has happened at a previous book launch or event, he'll say 'oh yeah I remember that kind of thing from when I was writing fiction.' Except he wrote fiction when he was 16 and never published anything. He also talks about a novel he wrote when he was 15 seriously when I am talking about my own book as a 31 year old.

So I silently seethe and move the conversation on when he does this but I actually want to say 'your attempts as a teenager don't compare with my success as an adult. Do shut up.' Because you know what? As an adult he's very successful and it makes me feel like I can't just have this one thing for myself.

Any chance he is ND? Apparently it is their way of connecting with others and they don't see it as rude or one upmanship

Write his personality / behaviour into a character in your next novel. He might even recognise himself as the insufferable arse he is!

I also thought this. It is very typical.

This is something I'm prone to doing although just try really hard not to. Admittedly I am likely ASD (prevalent in my family, not me jumping in a trend) and it is something many neurodiverse people do to show empathy.

I'm not at all suggesting he is neurodivergent but I can totally see it being maybe something he does as he thinks he's empathising by relating to his own experience. Doesn't make it any less annoying and you should definitely tell
him!

You say clearly and calmly ‘you know, every time I mention my work you say something about when you wrote fiction. So go on then, bring it out. Read it to me, I want to hear this fiction that you need to talk about every time I talk about my work. Why don’t you send it to a publisher? Anyway, let the reading commence!’
he won’t want to. Hopefully he’s embarassed at the idea if his terrible teen writing attempts seeing the light of day. If he gets shirty you say you know what is rude? You bringing up your teen hobby in every conversation about work. I don’t talk about that time I talked in front of class every time you mention a lecture, because they aren’t comparable. It’s really rude and dismissive of me.

It may be his inability to empathise with you related to the book launch, I think he's attempting to find common ground with you, so he's trying but his ability to relate to it is not there yet. Hence his warped comparison between the books you successfully published in your 30s and what he wrote as a teenager.

I am not saying he has no empathy, his life experience is different to yours.

Meet each other in the middle and try not to take offence. After all you are published and that is something you can be very proud of.

Hanlon's razor is an adage or rule of thumb that states: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity

Ultimately you have two choices, he either has no self awareness or empathy so he cannot see what he says is bothering you, or deep down he resents your success and wishes to demean it.

I think what you do depends on the rest of your relationship, if other than this facet it is good, then stop talking about these things and accept this as a single failing, however if it reflects this situation overall,then you need to question whether this relationship is for you.

In my experience talking about it achieves nothing, people don't change, they just mask the bits that need changing, or act in a way that is not being true to themselves, so achieving change through talking means living a lie to some extent.

Circumstances change people, but asking someone to think and act differently to how they are programmed, that is a big ask.

If it were me, I would probably make a statement along the lines of 'every time you refuse to share in my achievements, I think a bit less of you and wonder why you do it' and leave him to ponder that without having a big discussion which will only leave you feeling powerless or subservient in asking for a few scraps of approval and praise from someone that clearly, for his own reasons, refuses to do it.

Fight fire with fire. Everytime he brings up teaching be like "AH yes I know exactly what you mean from my time teach friend to drive/showing sibling how to lay carpet/talking sibling through a recipe/etc/etc"
NTA

OP, you are so far invested and in denial about his character it's actually a bit funny.
He's a boring tedious pain in the ass, a full of himself twat.
You have clearly been massively in awe of him for years.
He has a huge opinion of himself and you have supported that....him being the oh so brilliant man🙄.

The truth is, his is a very fragile little ego and he has NEVER felt an ounce of generosity towards you in your success.

How superior he must feel to you that you have tolerated him comparing his 15 year old written ramblings to an adult woman's published work.

If it wasn't so preposterous it would be funny.
You have allowed yourself to be diminished by him professionally which clearly means you have huge self esteem issues.
Because allowing him to repeatedly assert such utter rubbish again and again over the years, until you are seething means you have zero self respect or value for yourself.

Hos could you and have allowed him spout such rubbish unchallenged?
Your relationship is a success on his terms and you know it.
He is only lovely when his is the only star that shines.
He hasn't an ounce of genuine generosity towards you, to be spouting that shit about himself at 15 Years.
Him telling you that he will return to it in retirement is a further put down.

Do yourself a favour and get therapy.
Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk which will hopefully help build your self esteem and boundaries.

You are with him since you were 21?
Oh oh......is he much older than you?

Teacher/ pupil dynamics that his fragile ego cannot cope with morphing into an equal adult relationship?

There is a type of academic who always ends up in a relationship with an in awe of them pupil...is that you?

Time to grow up and value yourself and dump this fragile ego.
Your gut is screaming at you to listen to it.
You deserve better.

He hasn't an ounce of genuine generosity towards you, to be spouting that shit about himself at 15 Years. Him telling you that he will return to it in retirement is a further put down.
This is a very good point. It is reducing your life‘s work to a hobby. Something you do in your spare time. Not worthy of calling it an actual career.

Didn't realised you have a published novel. You said in your first post you had some short stories published and a novel out for submission.

Why do you go along with it? I would just ask him (innocently) if that's what happened at his ook launch?

Or when he says he could "only have enought time when he retires", that he could have the time if he made it. I am sure you did not quit your job to write. You did it as a hobby and turned it into professional success.

This is one of those frustrating threads where it seems the OP will never dare to speak the truth to her irritating partner.

@PrueHal you’re an intelligent adult, so talk to him about it. Honestly and in a measured way.

OP might just be waiting until she receives an offer for her manuscript before she says anything to him. As it stands at present, until she gets that offer then she's still an unpublished author and he can dismiss her as such. There are thousands of people who write books and are never published, so waiting for an offer would be the best way forward.

Some people with autism will always relate someone's experience with their own, to show that they understand. It isn't them trying to one-up and they don't know how irritating it is.

He might be an academic, even a very good one, but there are still better ones. He’d do well to remember that.

What would happen if you ribbed him about this, e.g. next time he mentions his fiction say ‘teenage attempts at a book don’t count’?

Hi all, yes the novel was out on submission, but as of this week, I've been offered a book deal!

So far he has been supportive and hasn't dated utter anything about his teenage ramblings.

If he does I'll start by ribbing him a little. If that doesn't work, I'll take it much more seriously. Exactly as a PP said, this is my career and he did refer to it as a hobby recently. He won't be able to say that now.

Maybe I spoke too soon!

This morning he described my writing as a hobby and I said it's a career, not a hobby.

He said he thought of it was a hobby because it wasn't full time 'like I do research full time'.

There are plenty of authors who don't write full time. I am starting to worry that hes not going to take me seriously and this is really important to me.

I'd be tempted to say "yes but, just for the moment, we're talking about me".

So, tell him you don’t like it and ask him to stop. Communicate with your partner. Like most of us have been saying from the beginning of this thread. Why are you so reluctant to do this?

Does your DH consider that everyone who works part-time is only 'doing a hobby?' I think a whole range of professionals might beg to differ, from GPs to teachers, to civil servants to, well just anyone if the government's latest idea goes through. Even people conducting research don't necessarily do it full time.

He sounds like a total dick.

My sisters DH is the exact same.

Every minor success someone has, he's had one the same or better.

There's never just a "well done! That's fantastic!"

It's always, "That's good. When I did that, I..."

I find it utterly infuriating.

I've just bought a new house, and really love it. His response was "Oh, I wouldn't want a driveway that shape." Seriously? Fuck off.

You're not alone OP!

Wrong thread

@ThatTealViewer I just responded 'It isn't a hobby it's my career' and walked away as I had a meeting.

But I am realizing this could be a significant issue. Feeling supported and seen is 100% necessary.

Previously I dated less ambitious guys who frustrated me as I said, but I sure do miss the fact they never tried to suggest my writing as a mere hobby.