To feel annoyed when he tries to compare my achievements with himself?

[PrueHal]

My partner is a professor at a university. He's a wonderful guy but occasionally has the ego to go with it I have to say.

I have a full time job and I'm a creative writer. Over the last 10 years I've had several short stories published and my first novel is out on submission which is very exciting.

Sometimes, if I mention something that has happened at a previous book launch or event, he'll say 'oh yeah I remember that kind of thing from when I was writing fiction.' Except he wrote fiction when he was 16 and never published anything. He also talks about a novel he wrote when he was 15 seriously when I am talking about my own book as a 31 year old.

So I silently seethe and move the conversation on when he does this but I actually want to say 'your attempts as a teenager don't compare with my success as an adult. Do shut up.' Because you know what? As an adult he's very successful and it makes me feel like I can't just have this one thing for myself.

Yes @Seasidesunn I did a dissertation at uni but couldn't deign to compare it to his PhD. If I did, that would definitely piss him off.

Yeah it is rude isn't it? I don't think he means to be but it's utterly annoying.

Most men do this, annoyingly! They always have to turn it around to something they relate to and make it about them!

Yes you should say exactly this to him.

Absolutely say this to him, you should have years ago, and be fully prepared to see a side of this "wonderful" man you've never seen before. If you had started challenging him on this earlier in your relationship, he wouldn't still be with you.

He sounds tedious. Is he Adrian Mole?

Depending how comfortable you are with what you’re saying, I’d maybe start with something like… next time he does this just put your hand on his arm to silence him and say “hey, let me have my moment!” and see if he clocks it. This may be all it needs if he’s switched on enough and he’ll stop doing it.
If this doesn’t work/isn’t enough, I’d definitely bring it up after the moment has gone, when it’s just the two of you back at home. So he knows you really mean it and you’re raising it. Just say how it makes you feel and ask him in the future to let you talk about your achievements, of which you’re very proud, without him making it be all about him.

Hope it goes well!

@PrueHal why are you with such an arrogant bore boy????

Why aren't you just honest with him about the way this makes you feel? I'd just tell him.

Is it just this one thing? If you talk about how you can cook something for example, does he bang on about what an amazing cook he is? If not could he possibly be trying to downplay your success by comparing it to something he did as a teenager or is he trying to find common ground like those people who on hearing your problem will immediately tell you about when it happened to them? It’s hard to tell whether he is a negging bore or just a poor communicator.
Either way, I think you need to spell it out to the man.

It’s interesting how you’re just point blank ignoring the multiple people asking why you haven’t just said something to him.

Fear and denial. She's invested 10 years of her life on this man, and she's beginning to realise he probably isn't the wonderful man she's convinced herself he is for all these years. That's why she wrote this post. She knows there's something inherently off balance about their relationship and she's trying to come to terms with it.

I recommend you read The Exhibitionist by Charlotte Mendelssohn which is a novel about a couple with a similar dynamic.

I think I’d have to stop him and say ‘Why do you always do this?’ And when he asks ‘Do what?’ let rip ‘You always try to compare what you did at 16 to my success as an adult? I’m published, there is no comparison.’ I’d be so cross at his constant bollocks.

To be honest (I am a published author) EVERYONE likes to diminish those who write fiction. Just think of the number of 'oh, I'd write books too, if only I had the time' comments that just about every writer gets. For some reason, everyone thinks they are God's gift to publishing and they just haven't been discovered yet.

So you may just have to smile, tinkly laugh and say 'yes dear'. It will be good preparation for when you're published and the whole world tries this on you.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat yes he has said this. He said 'I'd still like to write fiction if I had the time...maybe when I retire' - as though it's the only thing standing between him and success.

Also suggesting he is SO busy with his very important job which doesn't leave him free to pursue it. I don't pursue it because I have time, but because it's my passion.

He is generally very supportive so I'm being a bit mean, but oh it grinds my gears.

It sounds like a form of negging, putting down your success as an adult to his limited experience as a teenager. He is downplaying your achievements.

@PrueHal my DH is a professional writer (as in, it's paid our mortgage for 25 years), he gets people he doesn't know contacting him and commissioning work, including 2 non-fiction books, 1 of which was pretty successful. Lots of times over the years people have asked him why he hasn't tried writing fiction. He always, always replies that that isn't where his talent lies, and that he wouldn't know where to start, it's a completely different skillset.

So bloody well done to you, huge congratulations on your success and I think you could, and should, politely point out that you are published author of fiction and that comparing his teenage efforts to your published work is like you comparing your under-graduate dissertation to his PhD thesis.

You are not being unreasonable; it is annoying!
My otherwise lovely husband does this too. I am a teacher and love my job. Sometimes (often) I'm telling him a story about a class or something either important or funny that happened and he will respond by butting in and telling me all about teaching, based on his tiny bit of experience of marking first years' maths papers for a physics professor when he was a masters student 24 years ago.

He showed me a tiktok video on neurodivergency the other day when the girls hosting the video were explaining that when neurodivergent people sometimes respond to your stories by telling you their own experience, it isn't meant to be rude, rather the opposite. He said to me 'I didn't realise that wasn't what you were meant to do! I do that don't I?' I have long suspected he may be neurodivergent so I do wonder if this may be it.

Congratulations on your novel!

You're both articulate adults, why don't you just tell him how it makes you feel?

Hey, don’t be a CF and I don’t care if I get kicked off for saying so. That’s below the belt. She’s a bloody published writer you snob.

This is beyond annoying OP, I feel for you.
I think you just have to tell him
’you know, every time I mention my achievements you have to bring up something about yourself. Yes you have been very successful but so have I, you don’t have to make everything about you’.

👌

You still haven’t said why you don’t actually talk frankly to him.

For what it’s worth, though, I agree with @MasterBeth — in terms of publications, you’re a hobbyist. Which isn’t nothing, obviously, but if your novel finds a publisher and sells reasonably well, that’s a different matter. Though, still, arguably, not life changing, alas.

Maybe you should actually tell him how you feel.

Just say something like “can we enjoy my achievement for a minute without making it about you?”.