To really hate that bell

[Royalegardenchamo]

My lovely dad has stage 4 cancer, we're 6 months into a 12 month prognosis. The clock is ticking and he's now very unwell but still receiving treatment.

I am so fed up of hearing people ring that bell. Its right next to the waiting room, right next to the treatment room. I burst out crying when I heard it today.

I think it's a hideous idea. Surely they could think of something more discreet. I just don't understand it. My dad hates it too. It's crept into my mums dreams at night.

YAdefinitelyNBU and I would bet my house that there are staff who hate it for all the reasons you've given who've been outvoted so if you feel able to tell the hospital at any point I am certain that is something they need to hear.

The cancer ward I have experienced don't have one for all the reasons you've said, and the few patients who ask are told that's why and understand it.

Im so sorry to hear this, it sound truly hideous.

I didnt know of this until this thread, just looked it up to understand what you meant

How hideous. I woujld make a complaint, what on earth are people thinking?

I struggle enough with the fighting language used around cancer - did those who die of cancer not fight hard enough?

^ this

I didn't know this was even a thing until I saw Amy Dowden ringing it on Instagram with a crowd cheering her on and filming it. It seems really performative and quite insensitive to those who will never get to ring it. I lost my Mom to cancer and would have hated to see and hear it.

I didn't ring it when I finished my treatment.

It was 'invented' by someone who had cancer.

I had lukemia as a child and 6 year old me enjoyed ringing it. I see why people don't, especially adults, it seems like many hospitals are switching it out for something else or moving them to private areas.

I do understand what you are all saying, but, not everybody thinks in the same way. I have just finished a year's worth of treatment for cancer. Treatment every three weeks except for breaks for surgery and radiotherapy.
I wasn't going to ring the bell as I did feel it was too self indulgent in some ways. However, whilst having my final treatment I was talking to two of the other ladies there, one of whom knew she was terminal and they both insisted I rang the bell for THEM.
In the end I was glad I did. Finishing treatment is not the end of your journey but is a significant step but what I was't expecting was the feeling of isolation once treatment finishes. You get to know both other patients and staff who understand what you are going through much more than family and friends perhaps do and once that final treatment is done it feels like you have been kicked out of the most supportive club that actually nobody wants to join in the first place.

I’m so sorry, OP.

My mother refused to ring the bell because of how shitty it feels to hear when things are not going well.

Thank you for explaining and I apologise for my ignorance - I didn't know the concept came from a cancer sufferer. I can also see how ringing the bell can be a joyous occasion for some. I hope your health continues to be strong now and thank you for your post.

It's not a "massive loud bell" in my experience. I'm sorry if the bell that saddened you was massive or loud.

My friend was not sure at all of her prognosis when she rang the bell. Nobody can be sure they will end up in remission. Her feeling of relief at having got through radiation (after chemo, which was after surgery) wasn't a case of rubbing other people's noses in their misery as some here have suggested - what an odd interpretation. Even when she was struggling through her daily radiation, with her life on hold, she was able to feel happy that others had come through it.

I'm not trying to convince you to change your feelings here. Just suggesting you consider that the bell isn't really the problem. Maybe better support for families facing the painful death of a loved one would be better than sitting in the waiting room and feeling alone and helpless. Or perhaps if there really is no hope, chemo or radiation are not the best treatment options, and palliative care would be better.

We will all face death some day, some sooner than others. But we will hopefully still be able to celebrate the birth of a grandchild, or the start of a young couple's life together even with the knowledge of advancing years and awareness of increasing infirmity.

What in the actual living hell is a ringing the bell thing???? What??? My only sibling (DS) died of cancer at 25 and it was the most awful, horrible experience of my and my parents' lives. I'll never ever get over it and more than 10 years down the line I still cry. It's easier than it was as unfortunately that cliche of time being a great healer is partly true; I think mainly because the full on grief at the initial stages lessens over time.

But omg, a bell.??? If she'd heard that or if that had been happening when she was going through her treatment and then terminal that would have been so upsetting, for her and us.

I'm so sorry OP for what you are going through. Can you say something? I mean, I genuinely did not even realise this was a thing. It's so insensitive!

For example, my sister hated being constantly told she was "fighting" the cancer and to "not give in" to the "battle" and that she was a "warrior" etc, especially when it became terminal as she said, I guess I am now too weak and crap as I haven't apparently fought well enough. This feels like the same kind of pointless gesture that could actually make someone feel even shittier about their situation. If this bell had been a thing when she was going through her surgeries and chemo and radiotherapy she'd have properly lost her shit.

Sending love 💕

The bell is massive, it's a big wall mounted thing that you clang with a rope, the sound of it travels through the entire department.

This isn't about anyone else's hope or happiness, at times like this I don't judge my dad or anyone else with months left to live for only feeling sadness and anger at their own situation. I'm grieving already, we all are. Hearing that bell multiple times throughout the week does not bring joy for a stranger, it's just a constant reminder that my dad will never ring it. I also know that any time I hear a bell like that in the future I'll instantly be transported back to that damn waiting room.

Please also don't make comments about the suitability of chemo/radiotherapy for a patient with a terminal illness. The suggestion that palliative care would be a better option is a really appalling, ignorant statement to make given you know next to nothing of my father's condition.

Your final paragraph is also irrelevant to this topic.

They didn’t have a bell in my sisters hospital when she had chemo exactly for this reason. We bought her a tiny bell when she finished chemo and she rang it at home. She thought it was good that the hospital didn’t have a bell- she said it must be horrible to hear the bell knowing you’ll never ring it yourself.

Thankyou, it's unbelievable really isn't it. The nurses also clap. I'm sorry for your loss and I appreciate your reply.

That was very considerate of you.

Now that would be more appropriate. A small bell to tinkle in the consultants office for example.

We knew from the outset that DH would never survive his cancer no matter how hard he 'fought' (I hate that terminology too), we knew his chemo would only ever be palliative. He was glad for others who had better outcomes than he did but he hated that fucking bell.

On the other side of the fence, my mum got to ring the bell and it marked the end of a brutal time in her life - we both felt so emotional - everyone in the waiting room clapped and cheered it was a really significant moment that l will never forget.
But l can see it must be awful if your prognosis isn't good. So sorry op xx

There’s also that stupid phrase “cancer, we’re coming to get you”. Get cancer. Did nobody think that through?

I just wish they'd considered both sides of the fence before they rolled it out. With a little bit of thought/discretion they could have still given people that wonderful moment whilst being sensitive to those who won't have it.

I have cancer and I think it is a stupid idea. Not something I have seen where I am treated. I would be telling them to shove the bell where the sun doesn’t shine if it was suggested to me.
Facile nonsense as is much of the “script” around having cancer.
Who started this bollocks?

I fucking hate that bell.

As a former oncology nurse I absolutely hate the bell. Fortunately I retired before this became a thing but if I had still been at work I would have refused to have a bell on my unit.

I get that those finishing treatment would maybe want to celebrate (do it at home for goodness sake) by ringing a bell but they are also more aware than most of the gruelling time they have been through and the fear that they undoubtedly felt. So why they feel it's appropriate to do this within earshot of others who are at the beginning of treatment with no certainty of a good outcome or those who have been told that their treatment is palliative is hugely insensitive .
Its down to the hospital to at least put the bell in a more appropriate place or do away with them altogether.
I lost my dad to cancer and I know he wouldn't have rung it.

It is a massive loud bell in many hospitals, I have seen it and wondered what it must be like to hear it. Fortunately for me it has only been as a visitor but DH has had cancer and sadly lost many relatives (mainly due to an inherited cancer). So many people don’t get to ring the big loud bell and see their children or grandchildren grow up. If hospitals must have it then it needs to be kept separate from other areas. When DH was having treatment there were cards dotted around including from people who weren’t going to survive for much longer. There is one from a very young adult that I still remember.

The bell is obviously not THE problem, the problem is cancer but it seems that the bell causes more distress to many already receiving treatment for (not necessarily ‘battling’) cancer.