To be concerned about DP "fantasy"

[Summersunshine1234]

We were discussing our fantasies. I said I'd never really had any and I'm happy with just standard sex. When I asked DP she stated perhaps a threesome. I think I looked surprised and said really? She replied yes. I know she's had them in the past. With 2 men and also a man and woman. I said so you want to invite someone into our relationship and sleep with them and she said don't you think it would be fun. I said no I wouldn't feel comfortable with it if I'm honest. I said perhaps if I wasn't in a relationship but I felt it would ruin a relationship in my opinion. She then back tracked a bit and said we'll i only said it because I thought you would like to do it and now she's saying she wouldn't like one.

Aibu to be concerned DP wants to explore outside our relationship?

You asked, she told you

Why would you be concerned? I would only be concerned if she then decided to go ahead with it despite your opinion.
Don't ask a question if you don't want to know the answer.

It's a very common fantasy, and one you are clearly not comfortable making a reality.

That is totally okay and neither of you is in the wrong.

Honest conversations around intimacy are important

"We were discussing our fantasies"

So the problem here is that she's the only one that actually has a fantasy to begin with. You were just asking her about her fantasies.

She has the most common fantasy ever, you really don't need to be worried.... I mean, what were you expecting?

I don’t see any merit in discussing each other’s fantasies if you’re going to get bent out of shape if your partner has some.

She hasn’t said she’d like to explore outside of the relationship, she said more or less the opposite: she likes the idea of exploring it with you, but since you aren’t interested, she isn’t either.

It would make me uncomfortable too. I'm monogamous and wouldn't want to bring anyone else into my relationships, and I'd be a bit wrongfooted if a DP wanted to do so when a monogamous relationship had already been established.

Try not to be the thought police.

Lots of people fantasise about all sorts of things, and fantasies are just thoughts, not reality or fully formed intentions.
It doesn't in any way mean that they're going to non-consensually bring them in to the relationship.

Rape fantasies, for example, are very common - that would not mean that the person actually wants to get raped - the safety of a fantasy is very different.

Maybe reframe it that it's a good thing she feels comfortable talking to you, and try not to shame her when she hasn't in fact done anything wrong.

I mean…

The whole point about fantasy is supposed to be that it’s not run of the mill and is outside the scope of the relationship.

Neither of you is wrong.

I personally can’t think of anything worse than a threesome which is why I wouldn’t open this sort of discussion. Ditto anal sex and various other sexual things which some people crave and others can’t stand. I am not interested in any of this and can’t be arsed (pun not intended) to indulge in any sexual activity which I don’t want to do to keep someone onside. I gave up being bullied into doing things I didn’t like to keep partners happy many decades ago and I wouldn’t go back on that now because someone wanted to try something. If they want it that badly they can fuck off and find someone else to do it with. I never understand why people ask this question when they aren’t prepared for the answer.

If my partner had ever asked me to do any of this I would have to have a difficult conversation about it. As he hasn’t I wouldn’t invite it. But as you have opened that can of worms voluntarily I don’t think you can then be surprised and shocked at the outcome. Play silly games, win silly prizes etc.

I think it's fine to have individual fantasies provided both parties understand that both of you need to be fully consenting and on board for them to happen. The fact she's got this fantasy wouldn't bother me in itself provided she's happy not to explore it given that you wouldn't feel comfortable with it and she's not putting pressure on you in any way.

I fantasise about killing people. Doesn't mean I'm ever actually going to do it.
You shouldn't have asked the question if you didn't want to know the answer. And it's pretty tame fantasy tbh.

Fantasy literally means imagining an impossible or improbable thing… I would be uncomfortable if my partner was uncomfortable about the literally imaginable world I construct in my head. I would fully attribute it to my partner’s insecurities and suggest he gets some support with these. Kinda similar to people getting upset with their partner because they had a dream that the partner cheated on them. That’s fully on the person who saw the dream, in my opinion.

What's your concern? She can't actually make you have a threesome.

Not really a fantasy if she has already experienced it

The way she said it makes me think it's hardly her burning desire. It's the most common one I'd imagine. If you think you're going to worry what people say when you ask such questions you just just leave the subject alone.

Talking about a fantasy is not the same as actually doing it. You asked, she told. If you're afraid of the answer don't ask the question.

Pretty standard fantasy. You said no, she dropped it. I don't see the issue. I'd be more concerned about someone having no fantasies at all tbh, it's like saying you've no dream holiday destinations or no bucket list experiences. "I'm just happy with what I have" is a boring mind set for me, let's explore and try new things and keep life and sex exciting.

Threesomes are great, foursomes are better, it's not about wanting something or someone else, it's about wanting more of what you have, well it is when you already have a great sex life, I've definitely met people who are introducing other people because one of them is unsatisfied by the other.

Why ask about fantasies if you're gonna judge it? Besides rape and child abuse no fantasy is wrong, it's a fantasy.

Oh FFS. The conversation was about fantasies. This isn't even an issue!

Where did you think that conversation was going?

No I don't think you have anything to worry about considering the topic of conversation.

It's not like she sprung this on you out of nowhere.... or after having sex, if so then you should be worried 😂

You asked! She hasn't approached you and asked you to do this.

I fantasise about threesomes, I would absolutely point blank not have one whilst in a relationship, I would be far too insecure for that. That's why it's a fantasy. It's imagination.

I really feel like if the DP had been a man saying his fantasy is a threesome that the responses here would be VERY different.

We'd have had a few LTBs by now.

Yes, because we'd be unfairly biased against him (i.e wrong) because we put ourselves in his female partner's shoes.

There's nothing wrong with having fantasies and he literally asked. And also contributed nothing to the conversation (no fantasies of his own) and feels left behind.

Sorry OP, it might make you feel inadequate but a fantastic is what it says on the tin.

Ok. Two possibilities.

She has heard that any man would give his left nut for a threesome and thought suggesting it would be a turn on. (Working with the assumption you are a man of course, if you're also a woman my apologies)

Or she's genuinely into it (given she's tried it in the past that's fairly likely) and has just been honest with you because you asked!

Either way she's not saying "if we don't have a threesome this relationship is over" so... have a proper chat about it, you should be able to do that given you're in a sexual relationship. See if there's ways you can play with the idea while remaining monogamous (dirty talk, roleplay, toys etc),

OR if it's completely hard line off the table and not something you're interested in exploring at all (which is completely fine and valid!) make that clear and affirm that you're still into each other and happy with the status quo and "standard sex". It's not unusual for people to have fantasies in a relationship that their partner is unwilling or unable to fulfill, the relationship can still be completely successful and happy. Just communicate, don't let it fester!