To be concerned about DP "fantasy"

[Summersunshine1234]

We were discussing our fantasies. I said I'd never really had any and I'm happy with just standard sex. When I asked DP she stated perhaps a threesome. I think I looked surprised and said really? She replied yes. I know she's had them in the past. With 2 men and also a man and woman. I said so you want to invite someone into our relationship and sleep with them and she said don't you think it would be fun. I said no I wouldn't feel comfortable with it if I'm honest. I said perhaps if I wasn't in a relationship but I felt it would ruin a relationship in my opinion. She then back tracked a bit and said we'll i only said it because I thought you would like to do it and now she's saying she wouldn't like one.

Aibu to be concerned DP wants to explore outside our relationship?

I don't know why you assume op is male, I thought they were gf & gf.

My DP has had MFF threesomes in the past and it’s definitely one of his fantasies. I never have, and while I may fantasise about it (MFM) I don’t think the reality would be for me, as I don’t have huge body confidence so I’d have to hide my wobbly bits from two men at the same time!

We’ve talked about other fantasies (and also have private ones of course that we don’t always share!) but a lot of the time the thought of it is more fun than the reality would likely be. Eg doing something outside sounds like a huge turn on but the logistics of it , planning where, when, finding somewhere comfortable and not being seen etc make it a bit awkward. I thought we might when we went away for a weekend to a remote cottage but then there were tractors in the field next door and a campsite at the end of our garden!!

Similarly I thought we might do stuff in the woods on a little walk we went on lately but he didn’t take my hints and I think he’d be paranoid about people seeing us, so I’ll continue to fantasise about it without actually having to do it.

You asked and she told you - maybe use that as a story to whisper in her ear while you’re together to add a little spice without actually having to open up the relationship.

OP, I don’t necessarily agree with everyone saying along the lines of “you asked, so you can’t be annoyed by the answer,” as I assume it’s an answer you totally weren’t expecting.

My partner and I often discuss our fantasies and its usually things like “let’s experiment with feet, let’s try xyz role play, let’s get a blindfold, let’s have sex outdoors” sort of chat. I’d be devastated if he suddenly said in one of these conversations that he wants to being a third person in. I think there’s a HUGE difference, and I bet you just weren’t expecting the fantasy to be that “big.”

I'm a guy, and even though im heading straight into a dead bedroom, having a threesome still isn't a fantasy of mine.

I understand how you feel though, because maybe you were expecting your partner to be more sexually aligned to yourself?

You don't actually have any fantasies but you brought it up as a topic of conversation, asked your OP about hers and when she told you, you got upset?

Nah mate.

I hope you didn't react badly, you asked her and she told you

I think if you are going to have these kinds of conversation, you really do have to be prepared to hear something completely unexpected. We don't always know everything about our partners even when we think we do.
But don't make her feel bad for being truthful - she trusted you with what is essentially a private thing.

Why did you ask then? She hasn't demanded you have one has she? Odd discussion to engage in given you weren't open to her response and had nothing to contribute yourself. Seems like you were looking for an argument.

I don’t think you should be concerned because it’s just a fantasy in her head and also she’s done it, so it probably does have the same draw as something she’s never done. I somewhat understand how you feel, once my ex shared a fantasy that I found gross. I can’t lie, it did make me see him differently for a bit and made me feel a bit icky, but in the end I got over it and realised it’s just a fantasy and he shared it because I asked. Now as a rule if I’m going into that conversation with someone I keep in mind they may well say something I don’t like, or even find actively gross. We all say “don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to” but it’s human nature to be nosey and I think you have to lean the hard way there are some things you maybe don’t want to know.

If you don't want to know about someone's fantasies, then don't ask about their fantasies.

@Summersunshine1234

For most people fantasies should remain just that!

It's one of those situations don't ask if you don't want to know the answer. If a partner asked me this I'd probably not actually talk about fantasies that involve me with someone else as I know that could cause upset or insecurity. Don't really have fantasies anymore anyway apart from having a cleaner Gardener and nanny for 3 weeks and a break from work 😂 she may have been floating the idea but maybe not,but you did ask and she told you!

Fantasies are mostly just a way of exploring ideas in the safety of your head. There are things I've fantasised about which aren't physically possible (like flying through the sky together,) and others which I would never do IRL, because my hips would be in too much pain, or because a nameless stranger in my head is safe, but IRL, I wouldn't necessarily be able to control the situation if things took a turn I wasn't comfortable with.

There have been other things I have tried IRL, which were fun, but wouldn't want to do often. I wouldn't want to do of any of it if my partner weren't also keen. But talking about it also indicates a level of trust (which has usually involved explaining that things which happen in my head aren't always things I want to happen IRL. Men sometimes assume that I would want it all to be reality, and that's very definitely not the case.)

I guess there is a difference between a fantasy and a fantasy that you want to become a reality.

The OP’s wife is in the latter category and this is what has wrong footed the OP, especially if it involved another man.

so i dont think he (or she)is being entirely unreasonable

I guess the problem here is its not a fantasy as the partner has had these threesomes before. So it's not some imaginary scenario but more an admission that she would like to do it again. The only question for the OP who I assume is a male is whether he wants to share her with another man or woman. Not sure how you can be so offended by it given you must know you're with a sexually liberated woman!

The only question for the OP who I assume is a male is whether he wants to share her with another man or woman. Not sure how you can be so offended by it given you must know you're with a sexually liberated woman!

Apart from the question of whether the OP wants to do it at all, and as the answer to that is no, there isn't really a question of whether the third person is male or female, because there is no third person.

Why is that the only question for the OP? They've been clear in their post it's not something they want to explore and they've told their partner this, why should op have to choose if it's male or female that gets introduced to their relationship when they've clearly said no.

I'm sorry but that's not a normal fantasy and you should seek counselling of some kind

Yes you're correct we are gf and gf

You need professional help

This is how the conversation went basically. I started by saying what do you like as some people like feet, some like pain/rough or dressing up. So I was asking basically what she was into and perhaps like to try. So when she said threesome I was a bit shocked that she would want to bring someone else into the relationship for pleasure.

Hahaha I don't need professional help. What you don't think about hurting people that have wronged you in a serious way.

Yes I guess it's not a fantasy as I know she's done a few threesomes before and I felt she wanted to do it again so I felt a bit uncomfortable because I thought she wouldn't want an extra person joining in our sex life.
I am actually female

I also didn't react badly, I just made clear that it wasn't for me in a monogamous relationship.

She didn't say she wants to bring anyone into the relationship ship though, did she? You asked about fantasies and she answered. Let's not be dramatic.

Fantasies are generally things that you can't actually do and have to imagine, that's what makes them fantasies and not run-of-the-mill spicing up activities.

Not killing people. No