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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ML wants to spend anniversary with us

63 replies

MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 10:24

So it's our second wedding anniversary coming up shortly and my ML asked my husband as she was leaving if he wanted to come to her house for our anniversary for dinner.
Last year we was on holiday so spent it alone. Do people spent their anniversary celebrating with others or should it be a day solely for us to share our love together and celebrate our wedding anniversary?

So what I'm asking really is.. is this normal behaviour and I'm being unreasonable or is this something I need to bring up.

My ML does like to over step alot and I have had to bring things up already to her. She used to buy mothers day presents for me and give them to my son to give me when his dad had already done this and also buy her son father's day presents and give them to to my husband the day before fathers day.

Advice would be great!

OP posts:

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 19/08/2024 10:25

No that’s incredibly weird. Your DH needs to shut that down at once.

Redshoeblueshoe · 19/08/2024 10:26

That is weird.

NippyChippy14 · 19/08/2024 10:26

What did your DH say? I know mine would say he’d need to speak to me, and more likely, “thanks but we’ve already made plans”.

TruthorDie · 19/08/2024 10:26

Weird and rude. It’s a no from me

PermanentlyFullLaundryBasket · 19/08/2024 10:27

Depends on your and her relationship. For some this would be ok, for others not. It isn't what you want so politely decline.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 19/08/2024 10:28

I think it should be a special meal for the two of you. You can go to hers any other time.

SaltAndVinegar2 · 19/08/2024 10:29

I think either would be normal...but you should decide with your husband.its only a problem if one of you doesn't want to.
It's not a problem for MIL to invite you. The issue is your husband saying yes without consulting you.

DelphiniumBlue · 19/08/2024 10:32

I don't see why any of these things are a problem - she can ask, you can either accept or decline, it's not a big deal. She clearly wants to make a fuss of you guys, her buying presents for you is surely a good thing? She wanted to make sure you got something for Mother's Day. It sounds like maybe she has had events go by unmarked herself, and wants you and DH to feel celebrated.

Butteredtoast55 · 19/08/2024 10:34

It sounds like she is needing to feel included which isn't 'weird' but is definitely overstepping the mark in this instance.
Your DH needs to thank her for the kind offer but make it clear you both want it to be just the two of you for an anniversary meal.

Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening · 19/08/2024 10:35

Thanks but no thanks.
Urgh how odd.

redskydarknight · 19/08/2024 10:35

It's not overstepping to invite you and your husband round for dinner!

If you don't want to go, then tell her you already have plans.

It's only overstepping if she would kick up a huge fuss and throw tantrums if you didn't want to come (or if you felt obliged to go even if you didn't want to, because you knew what her reaction would be).

I think it's nice that she bought extra Mothers'/Fathers' Day presents for your son to give you - is there really an issue with getting extra gifts?

Floralnomad · 19/08/2024 10:37

We don’t celebrate anniversaries here but if we did we wouldn’t be doing it with MIL.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/08/2024 10:37

I think it’s something you celebrate just the two of you, if at all.

Idk I feel like only the first one and then any round numbers are really worth celebrating but that might must be me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/08/2024 10:39

I don’t think it’s “weird” as such though - if she’s close enough to offer something like this, she’s close enough to say “no thank you, we would like to celebrate wedding anniversaries just the two of us. We’d love to come another day though.”

DinnerOnTheGrass · 19/08/2024 10:42

Why do you care if it’s ‘normal’? Just do what you want to do for your anniversary. If you’d like to go to your ILs’ for dinner, do that. If not, do something you would both like.

OMGitsnotgood · 19/08/2024 10:45

I would say that you want to spend your actual anniversary just the two of you, but appreciate the offer - could you please go on another date to celebrate with her.

KreedKafer · 19/08/2024 10:47

my ML asked my husband as she was leaving if he wanted to come to her house for our anniversary for dinner

I don't think she was overstepping by just asking if you'd like to come over and have a meal cooked for you. It would be weird if she expected it, though. Or was hurt/offended that you said you already had plans.

I think for most people, an anniversary is something you usually just celebrate as a couple. Or it's a 'big' anniversary - silver, ruby, golden or whatever - then people might have a party or a big family/friends meal or something.

I'm sure some families do things differently though, so I guess it's just what people are used to. I've certainly seen people on Mumsnet arguing about whether you have to send an anniversary card to family members, for instance - in my family, it's just the married couple who exchange anniversary cards, but in some families it's the norm for siblings, parents etc to send the couple a card.

In short, YANBU not to want to spend your anniversary with your MIL. She wasn't BU to ask, but would BU if she expected it or was pissed off that you said no.

IntrepidCat · 19/08/2024 10:48

I don’t think it’s overstepping or wrong to ask you. As it’s not what you want to do, just politely decline and leave it at that.

It possibly comes from the fact that it becomes less of a big deal the more anniversaries that you have until it reaches the bigger numbers and then often people do celebrate with their family.

Borninabarn32 · 19/08/2024 10:50

I think some parents struggle with not being the "head" of the family anymore. You're her family, in her family it's her responsibility to plan and celebrate special occasions.

Just say no, you'll be arranging something yourselves. She'll let go of the reins over time if she's being nice enough otherwise.

2chocolateoranges · 19/08/2024 10:53

My dh would always say “ I’ll have to ask 2chocolateoranges if we have plans and get back to you” then when he goes back it’s me that’s made to look like the bad one as we have plans.

we have always spent our anniversary together unless dh working away.

Chunkychips23 · 19/08/2024 10:54

The early ones you’re more likely to want to spend with eachother. I imagine as time passes, celebrating with family becomes more common. Maybe she’s lonely? Or feels the need to be included and still feel important? I’d just say no that you’ve already made plans

Original poster

MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 10:54

NippyChippy14 · 19/08/2024 10:26

What did your DH say? I know mine would say he’d need to speak to me, and more likely, “thanks but we’ve already made plans”.

Yea he said to her that he would need to speak to me and we would get back to her about it. At the start of our relationship he would tell me that his mum had invited us over and it would be a plan but now we have kids and married he's got better and tells everyone we will talk about it and get back to them.

OP posts:

Lurkingandlearning · 19/08/2024 10:55

It’s optional. Some people like to celebrate with other people some people don’t.

It’s the anniversary of a day that you spent celebrating your love with a lot of people (presumably).

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 19/08/2024 10:55

Assuming she’s not holding a gun to your head, I can’t really see a problem? She invited you, you can either accept or decline. If you would rather spend it just the two of you, then say that. I’m not sure what you’d say if you ‘raised it’… ‘please don’t invite us to your house on days that we don’t want to go’?

JabbaTheBeachHut · 19/08/2024 10:58

It's not really relevant what other people do.

She's made a nice offer and you're both free to turn it down, and tell her you have your own plans.

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