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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ML wants to spend anniversary with us

63 replies

MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 10:24

So it's our second wedding anniversary coming up shortly and my ML asked my husband as she was leaving if he wanted to come to her house for our anniversary for dinner.
Last year we was on holiday so spent it alone. Do people spent their anniversary celebrating with others or should it be a day solely for us to share our love together and celebrate our wedding anniversary?

So what I'm asking really is.. is this normal behaviour and I'm being unreasonable or is this something I need to bring up.

My ML does like to over step alot and I have had to bring things up already to her. She used to buy mothers day presents for me and give them to my son to give me when his dad had already done this and also buy her son father's day presents and give them to to my husband the day before fathers day.

Advice would be great!

OP posts:
StripyHorse · 19/08/2024 10:58

I think your response should be something along these lines....

Actually MIL we want a romantic celebration for just the 2 of us, I am sure you understand. If you are free that evening though, it would be wonderful if you could babysit.

Dragonsandcats · 19/08/2024 10:58

No but I think her buying extra mother’s day presents is quite kind.

Original poster
MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 11:01

DelphiniumBlue · 19/08/2024 10:32

I don't see why any of these things are a problem - she can ask, you can either accept or decline, it's not a big deal. She clearly wants to make a fuss of you guys, her buying presents for you is surely a good thing? She wanted to make sure you got something for Mother's Day. It sounds like maybe she has had events go by unmarked herself, and wants you and DH to feel celebrated.

For me, the whole buying presents on my behalf for the father of MY children was just that. It's not about the extra presents as i am not materialistic.
It was about the fact that I wanted to show how I appreciate the father he is to our children. She should also know that she raised her son well enough to know that he has the ability to also show his appreciation to the mother of his kids without her help.
He is 30+ so is more than capable. Someone else further down the comment thread hit the nail on the head with her finding it hard to let go. She has grown up children now who should be now doing these things for their children and role modeling to their own children how to show appreciation.

OP posts:
Original poster
MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 11:03

Dragonsandcats · 19/08/2024 10:58

No but I think her buying extra mother’s day presents is quite kind.

It is kind.. and if maybe i was a single mum and her son was an ass and not show his appreciation then I think it would be seen differently but as we are in a loving relationship she should really leave that down to her son.

OP posts:
Dearg · 19/08/2024 11:08

Well it may be a kind offer, or she may just be muscling in. You know her better, and by the sound of things you think the latter.

My MIL was similar, always suggesting things to do to celebrate DH & I family occasions, but really just looking to be included. If she wasn’t she found a way to ruin the moment with repeat phone calls or health crises. I totally understood this for DH’ birthday, Mother’s Day etc, but my own birthday, anniversary , totally off limits.

Original poster
MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 11:14

Dearg · 19/08/2024 11:08

Well it may be a kind offer, or she may just be muscling in. You know her better, and by the sound of things you think the latter.

My MIL was similar, always suggesting things to do to celebrate DH & I family occasions, but really just looking to be included. If she wasn’t she found a way to ruin the moment with repeat phone calls or health crises. I totally understood this for DH’ birthday, Mother’s Day etc, but my own birthday, anniversary , totally off limits.

This is very much like my ML. She forgets that I have parents and siblings and need to share our time.
On my birthday she had a car emergency and needed his help to sort it out.

Its very hard because she is a caring lady and we get on but sometimes it's like she just can't allow her son to create his own family aswell and wants to control that.

OP posts:
Laura36TTC · 19/08/2024 11:16

No, no, no and errr no.

Celebrate your love with your husband xx

Original poster
MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 11:17

Borninabarn32 · 19/08/2024 10:50

I think some parents struggle with not being the "head" of the family anymore. You're her family, in her family it's her responsibility to plan and celebrate special occasions.

Just say no, you'll be arranging something yourselves. She'll let go of the reins over time if she's being nice enough otherwise.

Yes I think this is the issue we have.

OP posts:
MangoMadness999 · 19/08/2024 11:21

It's fine. We sometimes do our anniversary dinner on our own and sometimes we invite DS and MIL. Not weird to offer to host you for dinner.

Catza · 19/08/2024 11:31

In our family, anniversary is a family celebration. The couple usually hosts and everyone else comes to dinner but there have been instances when parents hosted. We are a very close family and celebrate more things together. So no, I wouldn't find it strange.

MabelMaybe · 19/08/2024 11:36

Can your DH ask her to babysit your DS so you can both go out for a meal? If she's inviting you both round, you know she's definitely going to be at home.

KimberleyClark · 19/08/2024 11:38

No it’s just for the two of you. Unless it’s a big anniversary and you decide to throw a party.

mondaytosunday · 19/08/2024 11:39

Our anniversary was the one time we went away just us for the weekend, leaving the kids behind! No y would I spend it with my mil (or even my own mother).

Original poster
MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 11:42

MabelMaybe · 19/08/2024 11:36

Can your DH ask her to babysit your DS so you can both go out for a meal? If she's inviting you both round, you know she's definitely going to be at home.

@MabelMaybe I was thinking to ask if they could babysit while we go out. Not sure of this is going to upset her feelings now that she's asked us for dinner.

I suppose I will find out later when we decline her dinner offer

OP posts:
redskydarknight · 19/08/2024 11:42

MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 11:01

For me, the whole buying presents on my behalf for the father of MY children was just that. It's not about the extra presents as i am not materialistic.
It was about the fact that I wanted to show how I appreciate the father he is to our children. She should also know that she raised her son well enough to know that he has the ability to also show his appreciation to the mother of his kids without her help.
He is 30+ so is more than capable. Someone else further down the comment thread hit the nail on the head with her finding it hard to let go. She has grown up children now who should be now doing these things for their children and role modeling to their own children how to show appreciation.

Show quote history

Maybe she also wanted to show her son that she appreciates that he is a good father to her grandson? If you're buying Mothers'/Fathers' day gifts on behalf of a young child, they have a different meaning anyway, to ones that your child makes/buys.

Avek · 19/08/2024 11:44

I don’t think it’s weird. Did you have guests at your wedding? If so you invited people to share in your love that day. I think it’s just a kind gesture but it’s not rude to decline.

Imustgoforarun · 19/08/2024 11:44

All she has done is asked if you would like to have a meal at hers. Just say no thank you we want to sound the day together celebrating our eternal love together.

lazyarse123 · 19/08/2024 11:47

Wait until you get to our stage in life , 42 years married and we both forgot.
Just say you've made plans. It is a bit weird to assume you wouldn't already have plans.

Imustgoforarun · 19/08/2024 11:47

So much anxiety over nothing. She is being thoughtful. Just decline.

the gifts. I really can’t be bothered to think about it. Again just kindness. Sometimes MIL or mums just can’t do anything right or kind.

Wouldhavebeenproficient · 19/08/2024 11:51

Important to start your own tradition of celebrating your anniversary as a couple. Ideally your DH should spell that out to MIL politely but bluntly.

TheLuckyGreenAnt · 19/08/2024 11:55

DelphiniumBlue · 19/08/2024 10:32

I don't see why any of these things are a problem - she can ask, you can either accept or decline, it's not a big deal. She clearly wants to make a fuss of you guys, her buying presents for you is surely a good thing? She wanted to make sure you got something for Mother's Day. It sounds like maybe she has had events go by unmarked herself, and wants you and DH to feel celebrated.

I agree

Createausername1970 · 19/08/2024 12:00

We don't celebrate ours as such, I forgot the date and arranged to go away with friends when it was our first one. I was mortified when I realised, but DH was quite pleased and said that I can't ever moan at him for forgetting 🫢

But that aside, I think how you celebrate it is up to you both, but needs to be agreed upon. Milestone ones are often shared events, but generally its usually the couple celebrating on the day, but not unusual for parents/family to offer to do a meal to celebrate on a separate day.

Birdingbear · 19/08/2024 12:05

Most people I know don't even celebrate, especially once kids arrive. We don't really....but if we have a meal or whatever then our child is with us. If we go away on a trip, our kid is with us. I won't leave him out.....but then I did date my husband to be for ar least 10 years before marriage so all that mushy stuff isn't important bonus in the same way.

GingerPirate · 19/08/2024 12:13

Absolutely not.
When DO these people learn not to impose?
Boundaries!

Original poster
MummaEllie · 19/08/2024 12:14

Imustgoforarun · 19/08/2024 11:47

So much anxiety over nothing. She is being thoughtful. Just decline.

the gifts. I really can’t be bothered to think about it. Again just kindness. Sometimes MIL or mums just can’t do anything right or kind.

Well I wouldn't say it's 'so much anxiety over nothing' because to start with I was only asking what other people do to celebrate their anniversary and it's also to prevent mother in law being upset with our response.

And if you read my other comments, yes the gifts are kindness but where do u draw a line with over stepping? When should you let your children parent for themselves and take a step back to grandparent.

OP posts: