How to help an oversharing friend from oversharing.

[permanentholiday]

A close friend of mine talks a lot. She'll tell a story of something that has happened and go over every single tiny detail. Even the bits that are inconsequential and not relevant to the real theme of the story. These stories can last a good hour and there's little time to talk about anything else when we meet, say for a coffee. If I try to change the subject (after she has finished her story or when I think she has) or talk about something else, she very quickly reverts back to her story or a starts a new one. It's as if she can't be bothered to listen to my news. She is quite full on and can be intense and she also overshares a lot especially about her DH. I know that other friends she has (we have mutual friends) have had the same concerns about her being a bit full on as they have opened up to me and don't actually see her as often as I do as a result. They find her too much.

We live in the same town and see each other every few weeks or so. We are both busy with life and work etc. She has nothing major going on and no mental health issues. What can I say to her to try to balance things a little better and hopefully enable other friends to get back in touch with her? She's always been a talker but never as bad as this and with so little awareness of how she comes across.

It does put me off seeing her tbh but we've been friends since school, have been through a lot of life together and I do value her friendship. Any advice?

YABU let her talk and be a friend who listens.
YANBU sounds like she needs to stop talking sometimes.

Can you make a joke of it? Enough about you I have some exciting news xyz etc

Oversharing to one person may be reserved to another..

I'd just make a joke of it and divert the conversation every time

I would assume she can't actually help it and would jokingly say shall we set the timer so we can both give our updates? I have a friend who will monologue at me until it's time to go then say oh but you haven't talked about you and xyz. So I have taken to leaving voice notes at her!

Yawn loudly/ take out your phone and start watching something on Netflix. Something subtle like that

She doesn’t sound like much of a friend, tbh. Why do you keep seeing her? You sound (imo, quite rightly) that you don’t like her much.

🤣👏

I think it is easier to see friends like this in a group, rather than a 1:1 situation, as it allows more people to steer the conversation. Would any of your mutual friends be up for a group meeting instead?

I’d say how you feel about it, and help her remember for a few appointment. If she doesn’t change, I’d be too annoyed to stay friends.
Does she ask about your life during your meet-ups? In my experience (I’m a good listener and seem to attract people that like to talk a lot), they tend to forget you are more than an ear and just like to talk.

Does she have adhd at all?

Shes not a friend as I understand friendship

You could explain to her where she's failing as a friend

See her less or not at all

Put up with it

If it were me, I'd just go NC. I can't be bothered with selfish , self absorbed people

She sounds very much like me - I’m autistic and have ADHD, both diagnosed in my 30s. I really don’t mean to do it and I feel horribly embarrassed when it’s pointed out, but I generally don’t realise I’m doing it. My chronic over-explaining comes from fear of being misinterpreted/misunderstood.

I’m not trying to diagnose her, I’m just pointing out that pre-2021, my friends would have said there was nothing ‘wrong’ with me either, for lack of a better word.

The replies about yawning pointedly and how unlikeable your friend sounds show a glaring lack of empathy. Of course, some people can simply be self-centred arseholes but if you want to keep her as a friend, it’s worth a conversation.

I am exactly like this and have ADHD. I recognise it now, but have been boring people rigid for the last fifty years!

This. Why would you even spend time with someone who doesn't buoy you up in some way. When you leave a meet with a friend you should leave feeling good. I am not saying that friends should not share adversity but she is self centered to the core and you don't need to spend time with her. I have had this too with a cousin and she drains me that much that I just can't be arsed anymore. Life is just too short

I have these tendencies and also increasingly think I'm ND. I hate to be misunderstood and can't prioritize so tend to over explain. However I do want to hear other people but I get a bit "stuck" in my train of thought.

Ha me too, but for 51 years!!

Just say " give me the edited version because I've got something really important to tell you "

Honestly I would just be honest. If she doesn't take it well she won't want to see you again anyway. She probably doesn't realise she's doing it.

These days even that isn't subtle enough for some people 🤣

I think I do this. I try really hard not to. It’s a work in progress and it’s embarrassing. I wouldn’t be too harsh on her I’m sure she doesn’t intend to.I also over explain just to justify everything. It’s annoying and I need to stop. See, I’m doing it now!

This.

If you tell her straightforwardly but kindly, perhaps cushioned with pointing out how you value her friendship and want to share with her too, she might well be able to work on it.

As others have said it can be an ASD / ADHD trait and most adult women won't be diagnosed even if they are neurodiverse (and many more have traits but wouldn't meet diagnosis criteria).

If she's unaware she does it she might be willing to actually genuinely set a timer, weird as that sounds!

It's worth a try!

She sounds like my friends with autism. Best thing to do is to do a quick round up of what she’s covered so far and then tell her warmly she needs to listen to your updates now

afterwards keep stating it’s your turn to talk if she buts in

She has ADHD. I do too and have form for telling long convoluted stories. It is really difficult not to but I do have insight and I do try not to do it.
I think the idea of a timer is a good one. Could you have a gentle word. My mum is the same and I say ‘abridged version’ to her. This isn’t the way to do it unless she is fully aware of the problem .
Could you perhaps start by saying ‘as we’ve only got an hour shall I start by telling you my news ? I know that you sometimes lose track of time when you tell a story..
That way you have set the expectation that you will leave after an hour , both need to speak and that there is an issue.

Or say if she has a bee in her bonnet. “Come on now Susan - we’ve talked for an hour about this , shall we chat about something else as well?” .

As a diagnosed autistic woman, I’d have no time for this. Life is short, OP. Don’t waste it!

Thanks so much for your replies.

I did wonder about ADHD or ASD; she definitely has no diagnosis but there may be some other traits in her personality so that may explain a little.
As for others saying I don't like her or go NC with her I feel that's a bit harsh. She has been an amazing friend over the years and we have supported each other through some of our worst moments and shared some of our best so I want to make an effort to understand her a little better.
I'm thinking a light hearted jokey response to her long drawn out stories may be an idea, I'm not sure. It's tricky!