How to help an oversharing friend from oversharing.

[permanentholiday]

A close friend of mine talks a lot. She'll tell a story of something that has happened and go over every single tiny detail. Even the bits that are inconsequential and not relevant to the real theme of the story. These stories can last a good hour and there's little time to talk about anything else when we meet, say for a coffee. If I try to change the subject (after she has finished her story or when I think she has) or talk about something else, she very quickly reverts back to her story or a starts a new one. It's as if she can't be bothered to listen to my news. She is quite full on and can be intense and she also overshares a lot especially about her DH. I know that other friends she has (we have mutual friends) have had the same concerns about her being a bit full on as they have opened up to me and don't actually see her as often as I do as a result. They find her too much.

We live in the same town and see each other every few weeks or so. We are both busy with life and work etc. She has nothing major going on and no mental health issues. What can I say to her to try to balance things a little better and hopefully enable other friends to get back in touch with her? She's always been a talker but never as bad as this and with so little awareness of how she comes across.

It does put me off seeing her tbh but we've been friends since school, have been through a lot of life together and I do value her friendship. Any advice?

YABU let her talk and be a friend who listens.
YANBU sounds like she needs to stop talking sometimes.

LOL @WhereIsBebèsChambre

Ah ha. Thank you.

Never said she shouldn’t talk to her about it - I’m saying the linear two possibilities presented above are not the only possibilities.

This should be approached with tact.

No one said it shouldn’t be addressed, just that it’s entirely possible that this person is ND and to an extent can’t help it, but needs understanding and approaching in a way that is gentler and more sympathetic.

I have an older friend who sounds much the same.

I meet up with her for lunch perhaps every other month and she just monologues at me. She can make a simple lunch last 3 hours, and she says 90% of the words during it. It's almost all a diatribe of every minor inconvenience she's suffered during the past 8 weeks as well.

The thing is, I do LIKE her. She's not got a mean or unkind bone in her body, and would bend over backwards to help anybody. She's just... intense.

I've got to agree with POTENTIAL ADHD/autism (actually this sounds more like autism than ADHD to me - you get over sharing with ADHD but this is missing social cues on when to stop - of course she quite possibly has both). To be honest this type of communication style (when combined with someone who seems to be a generally nice person) is the biggest signal for me that a woman is autistic.

I'm not diagnosing her. Obviously there is more to an autism diagnosis than just talking about yourself a lot and obviously she could just be a self-obsessed arse! It's just worth you thinking about this in terms of how you'd react.

If you value the friendship, I'd try and bring it up with her. I do think 'have you ever thought you might be autistic' isn't an easy conversation, but if the alternative is you distance yourself, I would bring up that you find her communication style hard (without mentioning autism/neurodiversity unless she does) and take it from there.

You don't have to be friends with her if you don't want to of course. You don't owe her anything but this advice assumes you otherwise value the friendship.

[Edited to add I have autism and ADHD and can quite often detect an autistic woman now. I've realised this is one of the signs.]

This thread has reminded me of a friend who told long stories.. "And then he sent me a text message saying" ..
"And then he sent me a text message saying" . Every few seconds. Drove me potty.

It's hard to divert people like this though! We once had a very dear friend who was like perpetual motion when he started to tell you something, he never deviated from his narrative! Whereas most people would say something like 'We drove to Place A' we would be treated to every inch of the journey, we felt we knew every lamppost along the way. When his long-suffering wife had a minor accident on holiday, she'd tripped over some luggage, by the end of his saga we felt we knew the hospital staff's inside leg measurements and the hotel porter's mother's maiden name.

You should neither 'let her talk and be a friend who listens' nor 'help stop her oversharing'. You should just accept that you aren't compatible as friends.

Friendships aren't about tolerating someone whose company you don't enjoy, and neither are they about trying to mould someone into a person you would prefer them to be.

And this is why ND people tend to mainly have friends who are ND.

I voted YABU because why do you think you should change her, because you don’t like the way she overshares?

If you don’t like the way she converses, then you don’t need to spend any time with her or be friends with her. But it’s not up to you to change her. Let her go find other friends who appreciate her the way she is.

I'll happily change my behaviour around friends if they ask. One friend asked me not to talk about politics, and another groups of friends had an absolute veto on Brexit discussions in the pub until after 22:00!

So, there is nothing wrong with gently discussing this with your friend. She's not doing anything wrong at all - it's just you'd like to have a different kind of conversation for a change.

My partner is prone to doing this and is autistic. He finds it really hard to identify the “narrative arc” in a story and gets bogged down in irrelevant trivia: he will give long blow by blow accounts of conversations when there is really one ten second “lead” but he can’t always get to it. So sometimes you get ten minutes of waffle for him to explain that he fell out with someone. There is no capacity to pick out what’s most important and distil it down.

I find it quite endearing but sometimes people like this need to be steered as to what is actually important.

🤣

I have a friend like this. I suspect that she has “main character” syndrome. She’s perpetually on “broadcast” mode.

I think the social contract is that two people each should speak for one third of the time - with the remaining third being up for grabs. It’s fine for someone to be a talker but, realistically, if they talk for much more than two-thirds the time, the other person won’t leave them feeling good.

It's not about 'moulding'

Most people try to adapt to their audience

I've recently noticed that several friends talk at me - it's not a conversation, its their monologue and i am increasingly getting tired of it. The best remedy I have found is to interrupt them mid flow and start telling them about an imaginary colleague at work who talks at me and drives me mad. I suppose this might be viewed as passive aggressive, but I have found it quite a successful diversionary technique.

Yep. And if she is autistic (which of course we don't know), she won't do this automatically in the same way a non-autistic person does. So if you point it out she might be happy to adjust.

Or she could just have main character syndrome and not actually care about anyone but herself. Then I'd ditch her a friend. I have no time for those, but they're very different people.

My lovely FIL does this . It's like the uncle on Derry Girls. But she's not oversharing op that's the wrong word, that would be if she was trauma dumping on you or telling random new people really intimate things about herself - just in case you do talk to her about it, I wouldn't use that word as she will be confused.

On the waiting list for an ADHD assessment here. Also, lots of autism in my family (though generally I score low on autism tests).

I have a tendency to do this - I tell stories with many tangents - mostly because I get worried I'll miss out something important/won't be understood. I'll sometimes repeat myself.

I am very painfully aware if time for a conversation finishes and I realise I haven't asked the other person how they are.

I become very aware of my need to interrupt so consciously have to work hard on not doing so - or my ability to pontificate so I hear myself and think "FFS Servalan - shut up!!"

I've had to put strategies in place to make sure I ask a person how they are before they ask how I am, so I can make sure I don't dominate the conversation.

Paradoxically, I'm actually really interested in people and their lives.

If I'm given a "role" of being a listener, then I'm actually a very good, open listener - it's something my job requires (and my job requires me deflecting talking about myself).

I'll generally find that random people talk to me on the bus and they'll go away having told me lots of things about themselves and learned very little about me.

I used to be a Samaritans volunteer too - again, it was something that I was very able to do because the role was about being a neutral person and I was very clear about what my job within that conversation was and the centrality of the person I was talking with. I always focussed totally on them and cared about their stories - open questions, never advising or talking about myself.

So I don't think it's even about being self-absorbed - it's more to do with the mechanics of how to conduct an equal conversation and knowing one's role within it - it can be taught - but it can be very exhausting for a ND person to build up that level of awareness about themselves and to adjust accordingly

Useful phrases.

Give it a rest, Diane.

I don't want to hear that!

Let's talk about something else.

I don't like discussing other people behind their backs.

Oh look! There's Britney Spears!

The last remark is a code my family uses when someone is being a frightful bore!

I've found these responses so interesting - so thank you if you have shared your thoughts.

The ASD/ADHD theory is sounding more likely with every post. This actually helps me as perhaps it is something that she absolutely doesn't have an idea that she is doing or she knows but can't help it. It was also something I had never thought of and we have never discussed this possibility together in all the years we've known each other. She never had any problems at school with behaviours or learning; we did A levels together and she went to Uni. Is ADHD/ASD something that can develop as you get older? I don't have anyone close to me with a diagnosis so I'm unsure.

Those saying that I'm trying to mould her to suit me have read something else between my lines that simply isn't there. I don't want her to change. She is an amazing friend but sharing conversations with her can be difficult due to her propensity to give so much detail and it can become a challenge at times to stay focused. This post was about seeking help and advice on how I can handle the situation for myself.

For those who think that she isn't oversharing I disagree. For me listening to a friend talk about intimate areas of their sex life is definitely oversharing - I feel like it's something her DH would definitely not want me (or anyone else) to know about. Or perhaps I'm a prude and everyone talks to friends about these things apart from me!

All very useful and insightful so thank you for sharing. Definitely some tips for how to deal with the situation myself in the future. Thank you!

She never had any problems at school with behaviours or learning; we did A levels together and she went to Uni. Is ADHD/ASD something that can develop as you get older?

It's something you're born with but people with ADHD/ASD can go through school masking well. It won't necessarily have caused her issues you'd have noticed with learning at school. Plus teenagers are generally very self-centred so it might have not been seen as so unusual when you were in school. ND can become harder to manage with menopause/perimenopause but if this behaviour is completely new there's probably something else going on. Has she always been a bit like this in terms of conversation style, or is this very unusual for her?