How to help an oversharing friend from oversharing.

[permanentholiday]

A close friend of mine talks a lot. She'll tell a story of something that has happened and go over every single tiny detail. Even the bits that are inconsequential and not relevant to the real theme of the story. These stories can last a good hour and there's little time to talk about anything else when we meet, say for a coffee. If I try to change the subject (after she has finished her story or when I think she has) or talk about something else, she very quickly reverts back to her story or a starts a new one. It's as if she can't be bothered to listen to my news. She is quite full on and can be intense and she also overshares a lot especially about her DH. I know that other friends she has (we have mutual friends) have had the same concerns about her being a bit full on as they have opened up to me and don't actually see her as often as I do as a result. They find her too much.

We live in the same town and see each other every few weeks or so. We are both busy with life and work etc. She has nothing major going on and no mental health issues. What can I say to her to try to balance things a little better and hopefully enable other friends to get back in touch with her? She's always been a talker but never as bad as this and with so little awareness of how she comes across.

It does put me off seeing her tbh but we've been friends since school, have been through a lot of life together and I do value her friendship. Any advice?

YABU let her talk and be a friend who listens.
YANBU sounds like she needs to stop talking sometimes.

This is what I’ve done with a friend who sounds very similar to yours. I found that I couldn’t concentrate on her very long stories, which she would repeat a couple of times during our meet ups. Any time I tried to deflect, she would.just ignore me. I hit on the idea that it would be more tolerable if there was another person to help share the load. Now the other friend and I interrupt her and just continue talking. She has reined it in a bit but she still overshares.

You sound like a nice kind friend op.

Sadly I ended a friendship (via email!) her entire visits were reliving a massive incident that had happened several years previously.. Story I didn't want my dc hearing tbh. I tried for years to divert the topic of conversation but she just didn't get it. Some people are too self absorbed or just blinkered..

I would do this too.

Id be honest but kind and say you’re finding spending time with her difficult because she talks endlessly about herself and the friendship feels very one sided from your perspective.

Either:

1. She will apologise and make an effort not to do it or:
2. She won’t give a toss and carry on.

If it’s 1 you can give her a chance to act on the feedback. If it’s 2 then dump her and never see her again and feel zero guilt about it because you tried

My mum does this (no NDissues)… because she is my mum I can say things like “ok it doesn’t matter if it was a Tuesday or a Thursday, get to the important bit”.

can you do that type of thing

I have a friend like this who I have known some 20 years (ex neighbour.) I meet up with her about every 3 months for coffee. When she is telling me about the latest drama in her life (and there is one major one every time I meet her,) she goes on and on and on. Takes 15 minutes to tell me something that could be told in 2-3 minutes.

I do try to move on, but she says 'hang on, let me tell you this bit first......' and carries on. 90% of our 2 and three quarter hours together is her banging on about herself, her life, her problems, things that her DH has been doing that pisses her off, problems she has been having with her wayward young adult children, her job, her colleagues, her neighbours, her sister, her brother, her nephew, her niece, her health issues, etc etc etc. She never has a single week without another fucking problem! 🙄

I find myself feeling so weary and tired listening to her drivelling on, and I keep glancing at the clock trying to wish the time away. I know she wants to leave at 2 hours and 50 minutes, because she doesn't want to get a parking ticket in the supermarket car park. (I park much further away in a long stay, so don't need to keep an eye on the time.) So as the time gets to 2 and a half hours, I think 'thank fuck! Not much longer to go.'

She is always late too - between 7 and 25 minutes late, and always has a story of woe as a reason for her lateness. I am due to meet up with her soon as she has sent a text asking when I'm free, and I'm dreading it a bit. 😖

tr;dr, maybe ghost this friend @permanentholiday

(Actually, maybe I should think of ghosting my tedious friend too.)

I have a friend who is the total opposite. She’s often tired (has an autoimmune issue) and I often have to talk for two hours as she’s got nothing to say or only one word answers. I find going somewhere, a short stroll round the shops, then lunch is good as it allows for discussion on what we see.

wonder if it would work as a distraction away from her fixated story and allow a more normal conversation, or one where you can’t but in and possibly take it off in a different way, “oh look Sally, that’s a fab shop/dress/etc”.

My MIL is like this. At family gatherings we take it in turns to listen to her hold forth. She doesn’t even bother to interrupt her story to give context when the shift changes - just continues the flow. She’ll ignore attempts to engage such as asking whom she’s talking about or when and where the story took place.

The trouble is, if you attempt some of the tactics suggested above, you’ll never get a proper conversation going where an idea or situation is explored together and each person periodically checks that the other is interested. You’d just get her spiel followed by your spiel and to me that’s not at all interesting.

So, major solidarity from me and good luck with it. You do need to address it if you wish to continue seeing her, but whether she’ll become even a decent conversationalist is another matter.

I'm like this. At the time I don't realise I do it but after the event I reflect back and am mortified. In fact I can't sleep because I'm so embarrassed as I think I may have done this today 😣

You get that some people just can’t read social cues? Generally ND people.

Obviously I'm not talking about ND people. There are NT people who are just completely self obsessed out there. Apologies for not making it clear, really didn't mean to offend anyone

This, tedious, self important, selfish people who don't actually want a catch up. They only see other people who they can talk AT with their monologue. They're not actually interested in hearing other people's news, and just wait for a gap in the conversation 'anyway...MORE ABOUT MEEE! STARRING ME!!'

Or 3. She’s unable to stop doing it and it will eat her up because she’s always feared she’s not “normal” and now another friend is confirming it.

OP should still talk to her about it, otherwise what’s the point if you can’t talk to your friends?

Not much of a friendship in the first place if this is the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

@OrwellianTimes Agreed. If she is someone over analyses and worries this may well cause her some severe anxiety and issues moving forward.

So OP should say nothing and just put up with it, never getting to ever have a chance to talk herself?

She should merely act as a blank sounding board for her with no needs or feelings of her own?

Was going to type pretty much the same thing. Good friends gently tell me to shut the fuck up (with a smile and a hug, plus I’ve told them to do it); not so good friends/mum acquaintances will be snide and/or avoid, unless they recognised the behaviours and ask if I’m ND, in which case I might make a new friend.

i would be tempted to gently ask whether she might have adhd because of the behaviours you describe.

@minthybobs I don’t have the answer to the problem but I would try very subtle prompts at the most. I’d be conscious of hurting the feelings of a long term friend more than my own need to point out they’re faults. Not sure I’d feel great about myself if I upset them.

This again. So basically op and other with same issues should learn 'your problems/life means nothing. You serve no purpose but to be a sounding board for others and if you don't agree to/ accept this, well you're just a horrible uncaring person' ?

Made me LOL! 😆 And yeah that's her! 😂

Take a wooden spoon with you, wave it at her and shout "I've got the talking stick!"

Is there really a 'gentle' way to ask someone if they have ADHD?! 😬

@EbonyRaven when you try to tell them something that's going on in your life...😆

Lots of people asked me in the past, and it’s supposed to be more socially accepted… (eg, gosh you’re really talkative today, even more so than normal <laugh> have you ever been assessed for ADHD, ‘cos you’re just like my cousin. She can talk for England too…)

Another with ADHD here. Most of my gorgeous friends are ND,too. We know we're not doing it on purpose - we just "have to" tell you!! 😂 definitely do not think what we are saying is more important, and def want to hear what others have to say, too.