To feel so sad about my life

[tearyeyedx]

I can barely see for the amount of tears.

In life i know ive always done the 'right thing'. Ive not betrayed anyone, ive never cheated, i havent lied or used people. People close to me always say 'you're one of the good one's, a dying breed, the sweetest soul'. Fine, whatever because it hasnt got me anywhere.

Everyone i know who is 'winning' in life is horrible, selfish and nasty.

I know women who have cheated on their husband, gotten pregnant, decided they want to go back so thats that, all worked out for them. Now driving 100k cars and having 6 holidays a year living in mansions.

I know men who have cheated who have women still adore the ground they walk on.

People who bully others. Top of the food chain in life with happy and healthy kids and money in the bank.

Women who go after peoples husbands. Happy.

Why is life like this.

love of my life when i 20. He beat the crap out of me for wearing a crop top and my parents moved to get me away from him. I met someone later who left me, 6 months pregnant he left his job and i supported us both, 9 months pregnant i helped bury his mum, for him to leave 4 days before my due date. Havent had a penny off him in 12 years. He's married and happy now. Im still alone.

My ONE child has multiple health issues. But people with 5/6/7 children i know, have zero. Every thing is a struggle.

Im not bad so its not a case of i deserve it. I dont wallow, i get on with shit but every so often i see people doing the worst things and just gliding through life and it fucking kills me.

I cant turn cold and act like the above people. But when will i ever be happy?

I have a nice house which was my solace, my happiest place and now my next door neighbour has decided to scream at me for 'stealing water'. Ive lived here 8 years, he's lived here for 2. He thinks our water is linked and he's 'paying for my use'. May be an issue with thames water, i think he has a leak under his patio as his walls are always wet. Even so contact the supplier and go from there? Dont knock on my door screaming at a single mum about i owe you 2 years worth of bills. I dont as water company have confirmed and recorded call sent to him aswell. I look after your children, i translate doctors appointments for your wife when you're working, i drive her to appointments, ive cleaned your house when she was recovering from labour. Ive cooked multiple dinners so you can all relax and bond with your baby and toddler.

I feel like any opportunity to knock me on my knees, people dont even think twice and just take it.

I dont have anyone to talk to about how i feel.

I'm a bit confused about what's going on with your neighbour. You're cleaning his house , cooking dinner and taking him to Dr appointments and he's harassing you about his water bill?

If that's the case, stop doing anything for him and ask him to stop harassing you. Get a doorbell that records, including audio and start a diary of his harassment. I'd also get advice from the police.

Regarding the rest, you sound very down and I'm wondering if therapy would help you process some of these feelings.

They say that comparison is the thief of joy, so I would stop using social media for a while.

Some of us get a shit hand in life. I have chronic health issues and my one child is severely disabled. Never had much luck with men.

A friend of mine has a spinal leak and can't even shower without severe pain. She spends her life laying down.

It sounds like you're grieving and therapy might help to process your grief. Then you might feel able to make better choices and relationships going forward. Happiness follows contentment with how things are even though life always brings challenges. My life is quite lonely at times and I feel some sadness still but in general I'm much more content. I enjoy the simple things and live life for the day. It took years of therapy to get here.

OP, whether or not you’re a truthful person, sexually faithful in relationships etc has absolutely no correlation with your child’s disability, or how much money you have. Similarly, there’s no correlation between bullying, lying or infidelity and financial success or happiness.

You’re constructing a false narrative there.

What does strike me from your post is that you seem to position yourself in the ‘service’ role in many of your relationships — you financially supported a partner who then left you while pregnant, and you seem to be acting as a form of unpaid house servant/translator/driver/childminder for the neighbour who shouted at you for ‘stealing’ his water.

Bluntly, this is likely to be part of the problem. People-pleasing is a demonstration of poor self-esteem, and an attempt to ‘buy’ liking or love from others by rendering services. It shows you think you’re only of value when you provide services. Stop doing this. Cultivate good, mutually-respectful relationships. Pursue your ex for child maintenance through CMS, if you haven’t previously. Have therapy to put a stop to people-pleasing patterns.

There’s a tone to your writing that makes me think you may be suffering with depression. Have you discussed your feelings with a healthcare professional? Do you have your parents for support?

Please stop comparing your life to others. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.

I’m sorry you’re finding things tough 💐

I help my neighbours wife as she was struggling. He benefits as its his house. He has now turned on me. I now feel like i dont have a friendship with his wife anymore as she's obviously going to stick with her husband. He couldve approached it nicer considering i havent actually done anything. She doesnt speak much english but her first language is my 2nd so we get on really well and were happy to have eachother.

I dont have any social media but i hear about people.

Also the guy who beat me up, also beat up 2 others after me. Saw him 3 years ago, he's more attractive, richer, 4 cars, 2 houses, women everywhere and happier than ever with his life.

It feels unjust.

Yeah maybe i am a people pleaser but i dont feel like that had anything to do with luck. Why are some people so lucky no matter what and some unlucky no matter what. I hate it.

Life is unjust and it does hurt to see bad people not just getting away with bad behaviour but even flourishing. It also hurts horribly to see your own child suffering. You have had a hard time and you're allowed to feel hurt and angry.

Thank you.

Life isn’t fair.
that is the bottom line, but how you deal with that fact, how you approach life makes all the difference.
You can be nice and kind without being a total pushover/ door mat. Also you really have no idea how those with fancy cars etc feel about their life.

im sorry life has given you lemons, but you know how the saying goes.

Life isn’t fair - 100 percent

but you are a mother and you sleep well knowing you are a good person ❤️

but you have had a poor hand in life

is there anyway you can be happy ? Book a nice mini break with your child? Can you move house ?

If this life was all there is it would indeed be incredibly upsetting to see people “getting away with” horrendous behaviour.

I absolutely see where you’re coming from, OP.

It might be helpful to read The Reality Slap by Russ Harris. It deals with this very well.

The Reality Slap 2nd Edition: How to survive and thrive when life hits hard
amzn.eu/d/3grbepv

Life can be tough and hard.

I understand everything you’re saying.

If I had to go back and list every hard time I’d ever had no one would believe me.

we can’t compare other people’s outsides with our insides. You will probably be coming accross as happy, capable, a great Mum, successful job, beautiful home etc.

as for him nextdoor I wouldn’t give him a lick of my snot. If he does this again either scream right back at him or report him.

I’d have a word with his wife. Ask if she still wants to be friends (Possibly he treats her badly) I’f she doesn’t then its no great loss.

I would also be screwing your sons Dad for maintenance big time.

You’re doing great - well done

I notice you phrase a lot of things as "I haven't harmed anyone" and "I've never done anything bad". Which is fine, but for people to actively like you (as opposed to tolerating you or not objecting to your presence), you need to actively BE something that makes them like you. Funny, charming, attractive, sociable, active, creative, something positive. People will 100% overlook bad behaviour in a person they actively like. A likeable arsehole will go further in life than a mildly pleasant but nondescript person.

Having the confidence to say no to things you don't want to do and tell an unreasonable neighbour to go fuck himself (instead of wondering why bad things always happen to you) is also a likeable quality.

Give yourself permission to think what you actually want, and say you want it, and not take it personally if you don't get it, and tell people to fuck off as appropriate.

My mum used to say that the world is full of the haves and the have nots. It’s very true and whilst life is unfair - it’s just the way it is sadly. Some people make poor choices when they’re young which can affect the course of their life adversely… others are lucky.

But. Comparison, as others have said, is definitely the thief of joy. No matter how bad things get - try and take some comfort for the things that you DO have, that others don’t. Your home for example. However bad things are - there is always some poor soul worse off. It might not make you full of the joys of spring but it might help.

No one deserves to have ill children. Do you think people who’s children who have died of cancer deserve it?

Your post is very woe is me. What I see in your post is someone whose parents loved you and were concerned enough about you to uproot their whole lives, someone who is lucky enough to have a child and have a stable home, a house for 8 years.

Life can be hard and some of your life has been harder than others but equally millions of people have had it worse. Get some counselling to deal with your emotions, start being assertive and focus on what you have.

Remember that you can’t change who you are at the core. And do you actually want to be a horrible person? I’m sure you don’t.

I am in my 50s. I have no regrets in being somebody with kindness and integrity, though I also have boundaries. If something goes wrong in my life, people will be behind me and support me because I have been decent all the way.

And you seem to be focusing on very extreme examples of people who have behaved horrifically and doing amazingly well now. Most people are muddling along somewhere in the middle.

Life is full of ups and downs for all people. The good people and the bad people. You don’t know what is going on in these apparently successful people’s lives. I’m sure they will have their internal struggles too, whatever they share on the outside. I hope your time will come.

Life is hard and unfair.

However. A dispute with a neighbour shouldn't be a trigger for you to bewail every bad thing that's ever happened to you in your life as if it was all a conspiracy.

People who are rich and beautiful can suffer too. Just count your blessings and get on with it. And stop being such a martyr - you choose to help neighbours, that's nice. But it's not your job and doesn't make you a saint.

Im not just a doormat who has no personality, walking around begging to help people.

Im funny and caring and beyond generous. Im a size 6, pretty, look after myself. I didnt suffer during pregnancy or moan. Ive worked always. I have no childcare because of my sons health. First night away from him he was 9 years old.

Yes i have a son. We have money. Im pretty. My sons clever. But really every milestone was tarnished with his health issues and me being alone while everyone is celebrating in families. i still have to take him to school and be no less than 2 minutes away from the school in case of medical emergency. Hospital appointments constantly. Nobody every says 'wow that must be hard, you do well' im just left to get on with it. Im happy he goes to secondary school but my eyes are filled with tears when i see 1500 other children a day that dont have his illness - its rare.

I dont want bad things to happen to anyone else but i just want things to be easier sometimes.

The guy with the water isnt whats bothered me, its that i was close to his wife and i feel like a good friendship os now ruined over something thats nothing to do with me.

As someone said - i feel exactly like when the fuck is it ever going to be my time.

Thanks to those that understand. Maybe im just in a bad mood and having a down day but i feel really bitter. I feel woe is me. Its a fact. Havent even written half of it here.

Id never get a penny of CMS so i wouldnt even bother trying. Approached it once about 8 years ago and he immediately left his job, went 'self employed' and lay low after. He also doesnt see my son which is also horrible but yet a woman cheats on her husband and he brings up her love child as if its his and nobody mentions it.

Im from a culture that looks down on dating a woman with kids, so by 23 ive been a write off. Constantly told id marry you/ you'd be the perfect wife / love to be with someone like you IF you didnt have a kid.

Stop seeking validation from others. You don't need to do everything for everyone else to be a "good person". You don't need to do everything alone for your DC to be a "good parent". Put in some boundaries. Buy a self esteem workbook online or do a course on self esteem. Learn to say no. Go after ex through cms for child support. Back-date it. Use the money for a big holiday or to hire babysitters occasionally and join a course/hobby/group to get some time to yourself, socialise, learn new skills, grow, meet some new people.

OP sorry about your struggles but I just want to say I truly believe in karma and your time WILL come. You know sometimes when people have it all they end up getting themselves into all kinds of self-destructive crap just out of boredom, they aren’t really happier. If everything is going well most people end up somehow unfulfilled ironically. You just don’t see that side of things. You have a lot going for you and you do have a reason to keep going. I have a best friend who is genuinely the nicest person ever and had the worst luck with love. I still tell her not to be disheartened and her time will come. I don’t necessarily think therapy or drugs is the answer. I have been through a lot of trauma since 2017 and still struggle. It can be helpful to talk to someone who understands, who listens, just a laugh with a wise soul, distance from social media and focus on life’s little pleasures. Do things with your son to help you meet people who are similar to you inside, perhaps not on paper. Try and sort out this water issue and don’t be hurt by the wife just give the situation a bit of time. I am sure it’ll be fine in the end with her. Don’t do much for her in future though.

I know you’re feeling shit about your lot right now, but wallowing and feeling bitter are self destructive. A change in mindset is as good as a change in circumstances. Maybe not today, we all have days we can’t get out the bit but your life as a whole isn’t shit, you need to try to see that.

Bad things happen to good people. And it’s not fair.
I have a friend who is a great person, and the pure shite she’s been through would turn your hair white. Terrible!

I’ve been lucky enough in life. No money, don’t own anything.
But not too many bad times. My DH is hard work, though.
I have one child. But like you say, I’m not one of life’s “winners”.

You sound like you're waiting for someone to come and give you a medal. Yes, you've been dealt a hard hand with your son's health and ex being a shit.

So go and grab some joy for yourself. Doesn't have to be fame and glory - grow a pot of flowers and enjoy it, or have a nice meal once a week or something you look forward to. Something just for you.

Keep applying for cms. Will he stay self employed forever? You did it once, apply again. If you want to date and no one from your culture is interested, go for someone outside your culture.

Maybe it's bleak but if I'm tempted to feel sorry for myself I think of other times in history that were harder - imagine those 16 year olds who got blown to bits in the trenches in WWI, or families in Chernobyl, or women living under the Taliban. There's always someone who has it better and someone has it worse than you. To some people, your life would be unimaginable luxury. Whether you're lucky or not, this is life, we all die one day and you have to find joy where you can.

If you're going to start saying you're size 6 and pretty so more deserving of a partner/happy life than other women, that's a bad road to go down.

Can you team up with other parents with kids in a similar situation? It sounds like you want validation. Someone to say you're doing well and it's hard so your efforts aren't invisible. Go and find that for yourself.

Bluntly. You've set yourself up to fail. Why on earth would you help neighbours? There's nice and then ridiculous. You sound depressed so go to the doctor's. If your neighbour continues harassing him then report him to the police. As for all these other people, why do you give a shit what they think? Get out of victim mode and start building up your self worth.