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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another one about Dh and money

71 replies

Sms1811 · 17/08/2024 21:12

I’m just really struggling to talk to dh about how I feel because I really don’t know if Aibu.

we both work quite big jobs and earn the same. Married for a year. 1 dc together and he has dc from a previous relationship.

we also have the same bonus scheme which is relatively achievable and can earn up to our annual salary. For the last 2 or so years since going back to work after dc I’ve worked super hard to achieve these bonuses and have done really well which has led to me paying for house deposit, wedding, numerous holidays. However it’s not for to the point where I pretty much pay for everything and it’s starting to really annoy me because he now doesn’t even offer. I pay for uniforms, shopping half the bills nursery. My dsc clothes . Dc clothes, just paid for both of them new uniforms and shoes, dog grooming and the list goes on.

I literally wouldn’t mind at all because like I say we’re a team but when im working my arse off to achieve these bonuses to take our family on nice trips (just paid for a lovely holiday in an exotic place during oct half term) he’s coming home from work early, complaining about his job and just generally not applying himself. And he’s for the audacity to comment on the hotel we’re staying in!

im not just going over and over what I pay for which I shouldn’t be doing. I want to share everything we have but he’s just not contributing. It’s now affecting our relationship in the fact that I don’t want to be intimate with him and wonder if he’s taking advantage of me.

just to add I love him so much and he’s a great dad to our children but I can’t shake this feeling

OP posts:
AylesBuck · 17/08/2024 21:16

If he earns the same, why are you paying for everything?

Mandylovescandy · 17/08/2024 21:18

What arrangement do you have about money? Have you ever talked about it? Do you not have a joint account for joint expenses? I would do this and then pay an equal amount of money in each to cover everything. Maybe make a budget based on what has been spent in the last year to discuss with him and show what his half to the joint account should be. Does he pay for anything? What does he do with his money?

Original poster
Sms1811 · 17/08/2024 21:20

He pays half the bills and child maintenance which is quite a lot due to his wage but that’s pretty much it. He’ll get the kids toys and stuff but not stuff they actually need. That falls on me. I don’t even know if he’s doing it intentionally or not. He has some credit cards he’s paying off due to Covid and my maternity leave falling at the same dime which wasn’t ideal but even still

OP posts:
batsandeggs · 17/08/2024 21:20

Where is his pay going?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/08/2024 21:20

Start saving up your bonuses separately and tell him he needs to contribute half if he wants to go on holiday. Don't pay for dsc things. You don't have to act like you're in a team if you're actually a team of 1 and you're pulling him along with you.

Createausername1970 · 17/08/2024 21:22

Do you have joint account that all expenses come out of? Which you both contribute to equally?

What is he doing with his money?

I would stop paying for holidays and other luxuries from this point forward, until you are happy he is contributing fairly.

batsandeggs · 17/08/2024 21:22

Sms1811 · 17/08/2024 21:20

He pays half the bills and child maintenance which is quite a lot due to his wage but that’s pretty much it. He’ll get the kids toys and stuff but not stuff they actually need. That falls on me. I don’t even know if he’s doing it intentionally or not. He has some credit cards he’s paying off due to Covid and my maternity leave falling at the same dime which wasn’t ideal but even still

To be honest I think you both just need to sit and have an open chat about finances. Figure out where they are joint, understand where you might need to contribute more to the household currently because if his maintenance and debt, and discuss what you are and are not comfortable with. If he’s not motivated to chase the bonus like you are, why? What difference would it make to the household and how is he justifying not doing it?

I don’t think you’re being reasonable but equally it’s hard to understand his perspective when your finances seem quite separate.

Original poster
Sms1811 · 17/08/2024 21:23

He pays all mortgage and bills, I transfer a set amount a month (£400) I also pay for childcare and shopping. We don’t have a joint account tbh and didn’t think we needed one but I’m not even sure I want one now

OP posts:
AylesBuck · 17/08/2024 21:26

I think you need to both sit down and list who’s paying what at the moment. Is the credit card debt shared? As in are you both responsible for it? If it is, are the repayment equivalent to what you are currently paying?

rwalker · 17/08/2024 21:27

How does tha am he pays off the CC you both run up to compare with the extra you are spending

Original poster
Sms1811 · 17/08/2024 21:33

Just to add. I saved up quite a lot for my maternity. We also had a 6 month mortgage freeze during this time so I want still contributing to the bills. I do think I probably contributed to come of the credit card bills but not 50%. For context, I paid solicitors fees for our house. 12k deposit, 11k wedding abroad, summer holiday this year 3k and half term holiday October 6k. And I’ve only just started thinking about it this last few weeks weirdly when k was doing our child’s uniform shop and when our bonuses were confirmed. I looked what he was getting and worked it out as it’s a shared file and it’s pretty much nothing. So I challenged about the upcoming holiday and he was like well you’ve earned loads

OP posts:
batsandeggs · 17/08/2024 21:54

Er, sorry but you’re being wildly unreasonable looking up and trying to crack his bonus instead of just asking and discussing it? I share a home and two children with my husband, I know what his bonus is and while I don’t really know what he spends for his own enjoyment I certainly do know how our finances are split and shared. You need to talk to him, nothing will change or improve unless you do.

AylesBuck · 17/08/2024 22:04

It’s difficult to say without having his side.
But in any case the best is to take the last 12 months of income and expenses for both of you, then compare. It’s the only way to know if the situation is unfair.
Also you mentioned earning the same. But it sounds like you earn more once you take into account your bonus, is this right?
What would be expected if one earns more is that they contribute more too but in your case it sounds that there is a bit of laziness… it’s a tough one.
Again I think the best way to start is to write down everything so you have a clear picture of your over whole financial situation and start the conversation from there.

GinForBreakfast · 17/08/2024 22:16

Obviously stop paying for his children. And it sounds like you are doing his share of parenting as well, and a lot of wife work.

Hello98765 · 17/08/2024 22:21

if he pays all mortgage and bills, you cant really say you’re paying for practically everything, can you? Surely that is more than 50% of the outgoings.

Original poster
Sms1811 · 17/08/2024 22:31

Is you read that again. He’s pays for mortgage and bills and I transfer £400 a month and nursery fees and weekly food shop

OP posts:
Tiswa · 17/08/2024 22:37

Surely sitting down and working out what the outgoings are and who is paying for what makes sense as at the moment perhaps you both feel you are paying more than the other

StormingNorman · 17/08/2024 22:39

He pays mortgage, bills and joint credit card debt.

I think you need to sit down and look at what your household income and expenses are to make sure you are paying fairly. But you can’t underplay what he does financially and you can’t ask him to earn more.

It would make sense for you both to pay down the CCs before spending £9k on holidays.

amigafan2003 · 17/08/2024 22:50

If you're married, why aren't salaries paid into one account and then everything get's paid out of this one account?

It's not your money, it's not his money, it's the households money.

ToBeDetermined · 17/08/2024 22:56

Sms1811 · 17/08/2024 22:31

Is you read that again. He’s pays for mortgage and bills and I transfer £400 a month and nursery fees and weekly food shop

See that sounds about even.
I dont think it is fair to be upset he isn’t getting the huge bonuses you are?
He obviously has no say in how you spend your bonus, so why the resentment?
The bonus isn’t needed for essential expenses or even a nice quality of life, perhaps he feels you are a bit of a workaholic and too into pursuing luxury holidays?

I agree that a discussion is needed so you are clear that both of you are contributing fairly. Fair doesn’t mean the exact same amount, and perhaps you don’t have to work so hard you risk burnout.

GrumpyPanda · 17/08/2024 23:02

amigafan2003 · 17/08/2024 22:50

If you're married, why aren't salaries paid into one account and then everything get's paid out of this one account?

It's not your money, it's not his money, it's the households money.

Edited

He's paying maintenance for DC from a prior relationship though which shouldn't be coming out of the joint account.

Quitelikeit · 17/08/2024 23:07

So you are clever enough to earn mega bonuses but too infantile to manage your finances properly?!

The two don’t really go together

theduchessofspork · 17/08/2024 23:09

It’s not working so you need to change the system, and get everything paid into one account.

…. so you get equal amounts of spending money once everything is accounted for.

theduchessofspork · 17/08/2024 23:11

Quitelikeit · 17/08/2024 23:07

So you are clever enough to earn mega bonuses but too infantile to manage your finances properly?!

The two don’t really go together

No one likes a smartarse PP

People argue more about money than sex, I think. It’s a touchy and emotive subject, especially with step kids in the mix. Plus the fact the OP is probably knackered from long hours and young children.

OccamsRaiser · 17/08/2024 23:20

GrumpyPanda · 17/08/2024 23:02

He's paying maintenance for DC from a prior relationship though which shouldn't be coming out of the joint account.

Show quote history

Maintenance is not a discretionary spend though. If they want to create a list of all expenses and compare whether relatively even, that one doesn’t feel like it should come out of his ‘personal’ money to me.
That’s assuming OP knew he had children and maintenance obligations prior to starting this relationship and family though, which hopefully is fair

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