Another one about Dh and money

[Sms1811]

I’m just really struggling to talk to dh about how I feel because I really don’t know if Aibu.

we both work quite big jobs and earn the same. Married for a year. 1 dc together and he has dc from a previous relationship.

we also have the same bonus scheme which is relatively achievable and can earn up to our annual salary. For the last 2 or so years since going back to work after dc I’ve worked super hard to achieve these bonuses and have done really well which has led to me paying for house deposit, wedding, numerous holidays. However it’s not for to the point where I pretty much pay for everything and it’s starting to really annoy me because he now doesn’t even offer. I pay for uniforms, shopping half the bills nursery. My dsc clothes . Dc clothes, just paid for both of them new uniforms and shoes, dog grooming and the list goes on.

I literally wouldn’t mind at all because like I say we’re a team but when im working my arse off to achieve these bonuses to take our family on nice trips (just paid for a lovely holiday in an exotic place during oct half term) he’s coming home from work early, complaining about his job and just generally not applying himself. And he’s for the audacity to comment on the hotel we’re staying in!

im not just going over and over what I pay for which I shouldn’t be doing. I want to share everything we have but he’s just not contributing. It’s now affecting our relationship in the fact that I don’t want to be intimate with him and wonder if he’s taking advantage of me.

just to add I love him so much and he’s a great dad to our children but I can’t shake this feeling

Op, you seem to know exactly how much you spend, but very vague on his spends.

you need to sit and work it out. Inc his child maintenance. And see if there is any discrepancy.

Sit down, write a combined monthly budget, incoming vs out going. You are married, you should both have a clear open view of family finances at the very minimum.

By having it all roughly set out in stone, you'll be able to figure out how to make it feel fair for both of you.

You need to sit down and do a budget based on both your basic wages and split the bills 50/50. Why are you paying for childcare alone? He may see it as balance for the child maintenance so you need to TALK. Same for bills. I'd drop my payment to him by approx half the food bill and nursery fees

Although you say that your husband pays the mortgage and bills and list what you pay for, it is not clear who spends more on essential cost of living, without numbers. Therefore, you need to get the excel spreadsheet out, and do some of this work and then take a look.

you also need an agreement in your marriage, regarding finances. It seems as though you’re both winging it? Do you want a 50-50 agreement, or an agreement based on proportional income?

If you both earn a decent salary can’t you have a joint account where your salaries go or put the same amount into an account from your salaries, to cover bills groceries family holidays etc. then keep a separate account for your bonus so thats your money to do what you want with if he isn’t trying to get his?

There is lots of advice on sorting out joint finances.
But I hear that you are not happy about his lack of hard work - he is not going all out to get bonuses like you are. Is that a deal breaker? does he make up for it by doing extra housework? Does he have less time free than you because he has to see his children?
Finances are one thing, and relatively easy to sort, but looking at free time and effort put in is harder.
Are you happy being with a person long term who is less 'driven' than you? Perhaps his different personality is a good balance for you?

You definitely need to sit down and talk about this, holding on to resentment is going to eat away at the relationship otherwise. If I were you, I'd stop splashing out on luxuries and start saving some money every month instead. Your partner is not making as much as you in bonuses but I presume he's still making a decent salary and his outgoings include maintenance for his children so it doesn't sound as if he's not paying his way? If you're not happy with the division of funds, you need to tell him!

For such high earners you both sound terrible at managing money. It sounds like you've been over spending and your DH has allowed you to do it because, well why wouldn't he. Im not sure anyone would be complaining in his shoes. Just stop doing it, stop spending so much on his DC, expensive holidays when you're in CC debt. Just stop.
If I go to the shops and spend X amount on our DCs I come home and ask my DH to transfer me half. We have a joint account that we both pay an agreed amount into for bills & childcare. But if I go out and spend extra he absolutely will give me half back.
You need to sit down and have a serious chat about outgoings and both pay a fair amount. It obviously isnt working this way so do something about it OP.
When me and DH were in abit of CC debt a while back, guess what, we didnt have one abroad holiday for 2 years until it was all paid off. Sometimes you need to make sacrifices and if you've both accumulated that debt then you should be working together to pay it. It sounds like you have a spending problem!

I don't know how people do this too

But all this ‘X could be more than Y’ is ludicrous, why on earth not get these figures onto a spreadsheet or a piece of paper and see how it actually balances out?

Yes, start with what’s your monthly income & what’s your outgoings.

You seem to have missed the part where she pays the childcare fees which are often more than mortgage and bills AND £400.

Why are you paying for uniform for DSC? That’s 100% his responsibility.

Why can't you put everything in a joint account and all expenses come out of it. Then transfer a set same amount each every month so you can spend that on what you wish? So all responsibilities are paid first from both salaries.

I think you need to do a full budget of all his costs and all your costs see how much total and split it more equally (including holidays and school uniform etc).
Not just main costs and you pick up the rest.
It doesn't seem fair and even if it is actually fair, you'll see it in the numbers but I can't see how you picking up thos Chucky costs solo is ok, he needs to contribute to those unexpected/extras too. It's not just mortgage and bills, it's a partner for the life you both enjoy living. And yes, if you can and do earn more you can contribute more to those nice things but he should contribute something!

I think you need to have a proper talk with him. You’re not unreasonable to want to redistribute the demands made on your earnings, but you do choose to work extra hard for bonuses and if that’s not essential I don’t think it’s fair to demand that he makes the same choice as you do. Work out all the bills and what’s a fair split and go from there. Try to work as a team against a mutual issue, rather than against each other.

Life would be easier if you'd put it all in the same pot. If you're not going to do that ,then you need a full and frank conversation about the household budgets. You will have to list everything you both pay for and work out how you move forward equally, and what is whose responsibility.

Thus is your time to bring up the bonus conversation. This is the time to voice how you feel. However you are spending your money on things you like....weddings, holidays etc. Of course he's benefitted from that too.....but be prepared to be confronted with that. What if he says to you OK, we won't go on holiday 🤷‍♀️......I didn't want a wedding....or a big wedding.
Whilst I think you need everything to be out in the open...you both need to be prepared to hear some honest truths...

this is forgotten all the time

Get a joint account (and no other accounts) - everything goes in that, everything comes out of that. It's always so weird to hear a married person talking about "who pays for what" like they were talking about a flatmate.

How much is the mortgage and bills? How much is childcare and food? Nobody can say if it’s fair or not without knowing the sums involved. You say your house deposit was £12k? How much did the house cost? Even in the north that’s a tiny deposit. Did he not contribute a share?

Why can’t you list all expenses and pay half each?

Is it a joint mortgage?

This thread is well over a year old people