Another one about Dh and money

[Sms1811]

I’m just really struggling to talk to dh about how I feel because I really don’t know if Aibu.

we both work quite big jobs and earn the same. Married for a year. 1 dc together and he has dc from a previous relationship.

we also have the same bonus scheme which is relatively achievable and can earn up to our annual salary. For the last 2 or so years since going back to work after dc I’ve worked super hard to achieve these bonuses and have done really well which has led to me paying for house deposit, wedding, numerous holidays. However it’s not for to the point where I pretty much pay for everything and it’s starting to really annoy me because he now doesn’t even offer. I pay for uniforms, shopping half the bills nursery. My dsc clothes . Dc clothes, just paid for both of them new uniforms and shoes, dog grooming and the list goes on.

I literally wouldn’t mind at all because like I say we’re a team but when im working my arse off to achieve these bonuses to take our family on nice trips (just paid for a lovely holiday in an exotic place during oct half term) he’s coming home from work early, complaining about his job and just generally not applying himself. And he’s for the audacity to comment on the hotel we’re staying in!

im not just going over and over what I pay for which I shouldn’t be doing. I want to share everything we have but he’s just not contributing. It’s now affecting our relationship in the fact that I don’t want to be intimate with him and wonder if he’s taking advantage of me.

just to add I love him so much and he’s a great dad to our children but I can’t shake this feeling

Why not?

Surely when you get married you agree to inherit all your husbands/wives responsibilities so you can deal with them as a married couple?

No. That’s not a given.

In my household that would still mean he had higher outgoings. But we have a big mortgage.

Like other posters have said you can’t be sure how to make it fair until you sit down and add it all up, can you?

or failing that, do you not have or can you open a joint account that you can both transfer the same lump sum into right after you get paid, and everything comes out of that?

This is pretty basic cohabiting stuff.

None of this is clear.

You need to work out the tota outgoings inc mortgage, childcare and bills. Then split it.

Maybe have a joint account that you both pay x amount into, all the shared outgoings come from it.

Discuss a new system with him.

Set up a joint account, transfer a portion of your salaries in (he pays the additional bit in for child support) all costs for family stuff come out of there. That way no-one feels like they are contributing more or less. You can work out an equitable solution.

If you still have outstanding debt on credit deal with that together first before buying anything else. You say you are a team but this seems chaotic. Look at whats outstanding, jointly clear that. Then one pot for all expenses, you need to decide of your bonus goes into that pot too.

if you feel he’s not pulling his weight financially thats another conversation.

Without fact and figures how much each pays and earns it’s pointless trying to advise

Do you not just...ask him for half when you come home from the shops etc? We have a joint account and pay equally into it for bills, then after shopping trips if we've done a big shop / bought DC clothes / paid childcare fees etc whoever paid it just tells the other what they've spent and we pay them back for half of it.

Hang on a minute - that's quite a big drip feed.

To recap - he pays all mortgage and bills, he pays child maintenance to ex (a largish amount); he's paying off credit card debt left from covid which is now 4 years ago - so must be a sizeable debt - he's also paying off debt from when you were on maternity leave??

And you decide (with his blessing presumably) to book an exotic expensiveholiday for October....

Why are you sitting down together and paying off all the debts first?

The problem isn't just with your husband -

Why on earth are you booking exotic holidays when you have credit card debt? Sort your debts out first before the over-spending.

If you feel something is unfair, then make a list of all costs and discuss how to split them. Your DH brings in a wage that you seem to consider reasonable, but you can't expect a big bonus every year, that isn't how it works.

Stop using all of your bonus for things like holidays (lovely though they are). Stash a significant amount in your own account and in your child's account. Partly because at the moment you are working hard for these because you can but you might get to a stage in not so many years, where that isn't viable. Secondly, every woman needs a running away fund, as I call it and I say that as someone who has been married for 35 years. You need a cushion for you and child should you become single. Thirdly, if he isn't pulling his finger out at work, someone will notice and there will be competition from young, thrusting colleagues and he could well find himself on the redundancy list. Fourthly, perhaps he hates his job. Perhaps he'd like to go part time and do something else. You have the drive and ambition, maybe he just doesn't any more. Perhaps the compromise is that you are the main earner and he takes on the roles that enable you to do that successfully. I can only imagine that you are outsourcing a lot of life crap to succeed in this way (well done).

Discuss with him.

Crikey - just adding up there's £20k worth of holidays there (including the wedding abroad).

YABU

How much is the mortgage?

Surely when you get married you agree to inherit all your husbands/wives responsibilities so you can deal with them as a married couple?
I think not, I am not working to pay his child maintenance

Why didn't he pay half the wedding costs? And half the deposit? I think that's where your bitterness is coming from and no wonder.
Regular spending sounds a bit fairer.
Children don't need to go to exotic locations to have fun. Do that later. When they are young go to Spain or Greece on a family trip or an adventure place. Stop wasting money.

How much is the mortgage- big diff between £500 a month and £2000 a month looking at your contribution.

How much is your mortgage and bills?
How much is nursery fees and food?
Why are you both not paying half for child's things and holidays?
Time to sit down and go through financial planning together.

You should’ve put that he pays the mortgage and the bills on the main post as I would think the poll would’ve been different. I’d hope so anyway. My DH paid the mortgage and bills but I paid everything else because we thought that was fair. He still ended up paying more than me though so I think YABU

I am amazed that £400 even touches the sides of a contribution to mortgage and bills. Which part of the UK do you live in?

If your living expenses are low, you should be using any lump sums that you receive to pay off any debt immediately and chunks off the mortgage.

Did you miss the bit that OP pays for nursery fees (often far larger than a mortgage) and all child related expenses? Including her step children?

No, I didn’t. I paid all that as well and it still worked out less

It's impossible to say without looking at the actual numbers.

In our household - mortgage + bills - £400 would be a lot more than nursery + food shop + kids clothes. But we have a huge mortgage

So you spent £32k and are now annoyed about it. Easy answer - stop wasting your bonus on all these holidays, then you needn't get annoyed.

I suspect you'll find the costs add up to a bit more than you think. Simplistically without figures it's likely that mortgage = childcare, shopping = other bills, your £400 = his DC maintenance. You've both received and paid about the same in salary, except your DH is paying down a debt and you got a bonus. Be a better team.

But all this ‘X could be more than Y’ is ludicrous, why on earth not get these figures onto a spreadsheet or a piece of paper and see how it actually balances out?

A joint account would make it simpler, but I do understand that some people don’t want to have one.

This. It all sounds chaotic and badly managed.

If your mortgage deposit was £12k and you're both decent earners, your mortgage should be easily affordable yet you're in debt, possibly because you've spent £20k on holidays and you also took a mortgage holiday while on maternity leave, which surely wasn't necessary as you had savings and can't have a huge mortgage if the deposit was only £12k?

You need to look at this together, make a plan to get out of debt and share expenses fairly.

But also talk about DH job problems. Is it him or the job and is this new or always how he's been? Could he change jobs? Or if his current job isn't working out, could he go PT to drastically reduce the amount of childcare needed until DC is at school?

Have a look at Moneysaving Expert and the financial flow chart for advice on how to go through everything together.

https://ukpersonal.finance/flowchart/

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/