Did my fiancé cheat or AIBU?

[UmberKoala]

I (F31) have a partner (M33) I've been with for 8 years. I wish we were married with kids already but, we're happy and are planning to have a baby soon.
We share a computer, a few months ago I went on and his Facebook account was already open when I went to log in.
A message popped up from a women, I didn't recognise her so I snooped through the messages which, I know was a bit wrong of me! There was nothing too bad and it was mainly her messaging him. I just think what she was sending was weird, she sent a selfie of herself at Easter wearing easter bunny ears and she was constantly trying to start chats with him and asking why he doesn't reply. Another thing I found weird is that she had asked him to have a phone call at one point and he said to give him a few mins as I was upstairs in bed and he'd go for a walk to take it. I confronted him and he said there was nothing to it, she's a colleague from work that messages him and needed some advice. I let it go!
Fast forward a few months to a couple of weeks ago. We had a major argument, I said I was finished - sick of waiting for marriage, kids e.c.t. I've apologised for this and said I was in the wrong. After the argument he stayed at his parents to get some space. I since found out he wasn't at his parents he was somewhere else. I snooped again, there were bookings for two on his emails and a restaurant booking. I saw a future booking for a hotel bar. I confronted him - he said he cancelled the booking and it was originally for me and him. Fast forward to yesterday and I'm absolutely devastated I found him at that booking at the hotel bar, with the colleague I was worried about a few months ago.
He still says he's never cheated. I'm so angry, I know we had a massive argument and I wasn't perfect but for the last few weeks I feel like all he's done is lie to me.
He's obviously been a massive idiot and crossed the line but AIBU to think he's fully cheated. I'm just so confused, I trusted him so much and it feels like my life's just been destroyed.

From what you've written it sounds like he's cheating, and along side his reluctance to commit, I'd move on.

Look - regardless of cheating he doesn’t treat you with respect. After 8 years he’d have committed if he wanted to.

This relationship is done. Just end it.

I’d have to agree whether he’s cheated or not is now irrelevant from the point that he doesn’t seem to want a future with you regardless. If he wanted to commit he would have, instead he’s been lining up his next option while you bicker for months so he can one day flounce out and you blame yourself for pushing him to it, when all along he could have just been honest and ended it himself.

This is over op, sorry. He wants out he just had the guts to say so.

This would be enough for me in deciding I do not want him to be the father of my children. And since this is what you want please find someone trustworthy and who is willing to commit.

We had a major argument, I said I was finished - sick of waiting for marriage, kids e.c.t. I've apologised for this and said I was in the wrong.

Why did you apologise? You weren't wrong.

He has dragged his heels on marrying you and having kids. He's blatantly having an affair. For goodness sake don't marry him or have kids with him.

Oh I am sorry - it's so hard isn't it. It isn't that he doesn't want to commit, he just s doesn't want to commit with you.
Hold you head up high and let him go. You are worth someone who loves you whole-heartedly and truly wants to be with you. This is not your man.

What do you mean by "fully cheated"?

If he was at a hotel bar with her I'd say it's pretty likely he's cheated yes. I think you need to end this. 8 years and no marriage or kids. it's run its course. Keep your dignity and dump him. So sorry

This is going to be blunt.

hes only passing time with you, he doesn’t want marriage and babies with you and is stringing you along until he finds someone else. He’s currently testing the waters to see if the colleague is worth dumping you for.

oh and by the way, getting fed up of waiting and telling him so is nothing to apologise for.

dump him, heal your heart and move on, don’t waste anyone time on him.

Even if he hasn't actually had sex with this other women, he has been devious. He didn't stay at his parents and he arranged in advance to meet her at the bar.

The relationship is dead in the water as it currently stands. I think you should formally put an end to it.

I wouldn't want to have children with a devious partner.

I'm so sorry, like the others have said, I think you know a line has been crossed, even if they haven't had sex. Personally, I would consider this deceptive, sneaky and yes, cheating. He is doing something romantic with another woman.
I think as time goes on you will be thankful you found out now instead of after marriage or pregnancy. But it still hurts, I know.

A friend of mine once said when men are unhappy in a relationship they don't just leave, they wait until there's someone else to go to. It sounds like he doesn't truly want the same future as you, and this is his cowardly way of 'leaving'.

You know your answer, and you deserve so much better!

Yes he’s cheated. He has also strung you along for 8 years and has zero plans of settling down with you.

Please don’t waste anymore time on this guy. You’ve gave away your twenties to him, don’t give away the rest

And what did he say to why he was in this pre booked bar with this colleague?

He cannot have his cake and eat it, he's a liar, be glad you don't have babies with him, run, run now.

Your life hasn't been destroyed, op, it was just saved. Finding out now what a piece of shit he is is literally the best thing that's ever happened to you. I appreciate you may not realise this yet, but you absolutely will in the future. Finding out he's shit now has saved you immeasurable grief and hardship.

Dry your eyes and forge ahead. Your relationship with him is complete, and now you can move on.

He’s been messaging, phoning and meeting at a hotel.

Best case scenario, disrespectful and shady.
Worst case scenario they had sex.
Either one of those scenarios is cheating, it’s not just about sex.

I would not be marrying this dude if I were you.

I'm so sorry OP, he's a cheat and a liar and has been stringing you along. If he hasn't committed by now, I don't think he's planning to. I think you'd be much better off single than with a man who lies and sneaks off to meet another woman. If he didn't stay at his parents, he was with her, wasn't he? Please do yourself a favour and dump him!

Liar and a cheat.
Don't waste any more time with this loser.
You will bitterly regret it if you do.

He’s delaying marrying you or having children. He’s clearly cheating. Clearly.

Please don’t let your desperation to be married and have children mean you accept his appalling behaviour.

He has definitely cheated on you with this woman. Please don’t be blind like I was in the past. Why have you stayed 8 years?
You’re still young, there’s still time. Please don’t waste another 8 years on this man. If you were his one he still wouldn’t be stalling. You deserve better. You could be happily married with a family in a few years and look back at that loser thinking what a lucky escape. Good luck

Sorry OP but he's cheating. Even if its not physical, which I believe is highly likely, what he's doing is still cheating.
He's lied to you multiple times about where he is, he's told you the booking was for you and it was cancelled but went ahead and met her there. Going out for drinks with a random woman he's been messaging and having secret calls with is cheating in my opinion.
Put your trainers on and run a million miles from this man. He won't commit because he's waiting for something better to come along.
Please, please, dont have kids with or marry this loser. You will regret it one day. If anything, thank your lucky stars you've found this out now before any of that happened. He's now shown you who he is, believe him!!!

This is a perfect way to look at it. Please do not waste more of your precious time with him, life is too short.

Don't focus on what did or didn't happen, he lied to you and was meeting another woman behind your back, arranging to talk to her without your knowledge, that aline crosses a line and whatever trust you had has now been destroyed.

You don't have to stay with someone sneaky and underhanded, you can be happy without him

Don't waste another minute on this cheat.

And never ever apologise for wanting perfectly normal things like a baby and marriage. There's nothing to apologise for. If he didn't want those things he should have told you clearly that he wasn't the right man for you, and ended the relationship.